Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Qui-Gon: Tatooine Horticulture 101

This is Jarvis.
He is a cacti, genus Tryppicana, from the Tryppinowt Family, only native to this dust-bowl of a planet. See, Jarvis and I, we had a talk. Established a nice, like, rapport. You see, Jarvis is a cacti with ambitions. He's seen speeders and he's seen the suns. He knows there is more to life than photosynthesising. He wants to join a band, see the galaxy. He just isn't ready to set up roots out here. And for some reason, he reminds me of Master Yoda.
Jarvis is special, though. See, he was out behind this one seedy bar in Mos Eisley. Him and like 47 of his closest relatives. Behind some camo tarps and barbed wire fences. With a Warrt as a guard. And lasers and ion-cannons.
Jarvis and his family make this pretty flower, white to yellow in colour. That flower is very special. When you make tea out of the dried leaves, it makes you start seeing the world like I do most of the time. Swirling tie-dyed colours and nouns. But, these are more serious than any brownie you could ever have. Jarvis is illegal in 389 systems. There are a few that still grow wild way bloody out in the desert, but Javis and his ilk were right here by Mos Eisley.
I was all stealth going in to the stronghold. Sneaking and rolling. Not making a sound. Then I was like, I'm dead and a ghost. What can they do to me? Hit me with positively charged ectoplasmic slime and proton packs and suck me into a sophisticated ghost catcher? On Tatooine?
The Warrt barked. The lasers shot through me, breaking windows which discharged the ion cannons, proceeding to blow up the swing-set and kiddy-pool out back. Poor kids. No 60C summer fun for them, man.
Yeah, so needless to say, after out little talk, I snagged Jarvis. Thank goodness I grabbed him, as the other plants I remember are really uncool and heavy.
There are something like three plant species that I can remember from Horticulture 127 : The indigenous Plants of Barren Wastelands. The Tryppicana Cacti, the Gun-Sentry plant, and the WaezAsh Cacti are all native to Tatooine. There are other evil plants that I've seen out here, but I've forgotten anything about them.
The Gun-Sentry Plant, genus Ultra Violencia, from the Stabbage family, has been known to shoot off its barbs at incredible speeds at the morons who are strolling through the desert to look at plants. It is a popular plant for warlords to spruce up their prisons and torture chambers and for masochists.
The only other plant out here is, like, the WaezAsh, genus Smerkious Jhirkia, Cacti. This cacti is aptly named due to the wise arse grin on its 'face.' People dying of thirst often pass this cacti, see its mocking smile, knowing that it is filled with sweet, sweet, cactus water, and attempt an attack. Then they are not only dying of thirst, but suffering from lots of unwanted acupuncture. An assortment of hole filled corpses are often near by the plants.
So, J.J., Jarvis, like, followed me home. Can I keep him?

4 Comments:

Blogger flu said...

so...if we make tea, does he die?

7:51 AM, August 11, 2005  
Blogger JawaJuice said...

Wow, you do know your plants.


...I think we can make room for him in the den.

9:18 AM, August 11, 2005  
Blogger Master Yoda said...

This reminds of the time when talking to your shoes you started. Those too you named, if correctly I remember.

9:36 AM, August 11, 2005  
Blogger nativeplants said...

We are state certified tree nursery specializing in native plants and trees, shrubs, fern, and perennials as well as pond plants and wetland mitigation species.

1:15 AM, October 04, 2009  

Post a Comment

<< Home