Friday, September 02, 2005

Starbucker: Fear the Shear

FLUKE: Gimme them clippers... outta the way... Peck!

Oh, boy -oboy-oboy! It's been some time since I sheared me a Bantha.

*Flashback to an earlier day*

INTERIOR: MASSASSI -- BANTHA SHEARING BRIEFING AREA.

Dodonna stands before a large electronic wall display. Fluke and several other volunteers are to one side of the giant readout. The low-ceilinged room is filled with barbers, cosmotologists, manicurist/pedicurists, and a sprinkling of R2-type robots. Everyone is listening intently to what Dodonna is saying.

DODONNA: The banthas are heavily covered in fur which will require the efforts of all of you - but together you're greater than half the local salon fleet. It's defenses are these two main tusks - designed around a direct large-scale assault. Luckily, a small one-man clipper-cutter should be able to penetrate the outer defense.

Gold Leader, a rough looking man in his early thirties, stands and addresses Dodonna.

GOLD LEADER: Pardon me for asking, sir, but what good are clipper cutters wielded by volunteers going to be against that?
DODONNA: Well, the banthas don't consider a small one-man clipper-cutter to be any threat, or they'd have a tighter defense. An analysis of these plans has demonstrated a weakness in the bantha defenses - without their tusks, they become as docile as clomps of red clay mud that's been setting out drying in the sun for an hour or two - give or take 20 minutes.

Artoo-Detoo stands next to a similar robot, makes beeping sounds, and turns his head from right to left.

DODONNA: The approach will not be easy. You are required to maneuver straight up the bantha's backside and skim the upper surface to this point. The target areas for removing the tusks are only two feet wide. The tusks - while large and strong - have only a series of small two-inch in circumference roots, right around the perimeter of the main shaft. These roots anchor the tusks and lead directly to the beast's central nervous system. A precise snapping of these roots will start a chain reaction - which should cause the tusk to fall freely while striking the beast's nervous system, ultimately rendering the bantha incapacitated, thus allowing each of you to shear at will.

A murmer of disbelief runs through the room.

DODONNA: But only a precise hit will set up a chain reaction. The roots are like thick twigs, so you'll have to use both hands.

Fluke is sitting next to Wedge Antilles, a hotshot pilot about sixteen years old.

WEDGE: That's impossible, even for a professional.
FLUKE: It's not impossible. I used to snap twigs the size of those fat Sharpie markers that your brother is chewing on over there while I was dangling from the wing of my pa's T-sixteen back home. They're a tad bigger bigger than two inches in circumference.
DODONNA: Man your shears! And may the Force be with you!

*Back to the here and now*

Fluke remembers his training and works intently, incapacitating and shearing three bantha's in the hour limit:

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Don't worry, their fur AND their tusks will grow back soon enough!

I just hope three is enough.

Starbucker out

8 Comments:

Blogger Captain Typho said...

ROFL!! That's probably the best post in this whole blog.

7:30 AM, September 02, 2005  
Blogger JawaJuice said...

I agree! Too funny.

Odd...Banthas look really different when sheared...

7:39 AM, September 02, 2005  
Blogger flu said...

thanky, thanky!

It was a tough post... but somebody had to do it ;-D

9:24 AM, September 02, 2005  
Blogger flu said...

oh, poo my little winking big grin guy fell onto the great divide.

Here he is:

;-D

9:25 AM, September 02, 2005  
Blogger Qui-Gon Jinn said...

Man, that was fanfriggingtastic, Fluke!
Like, totally far out...
QGJ

11:27 AM, September 02, 2005  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

It's like that big hairy monster that Bugs Bunny used to clip all the time, then all that was left was a pile of fur.

12:02 PM, September 02, 2005  
Blogger JawaJuice said...

Don't forget to send in your vote after you post...

6:45 PM, September 02, 2005  
Blogger Master Yoda said...

Very funny this was.

9:24 PM, September 02, 2005  

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