Friday, September 30, 2005

Starbucker: Urp

Fluke begins waving his arms, tilting his head back and forth, running in place, twisting at his hips, touching his toes, and doing jumping jacks in place as if preparing for a track meet or something.

JJ: "uh, Fluke? You ok?"

Fluke: (still motioning agressively) "Oh, yeah... yep... you betcha... just, you know... warming up... getting ready... loosening up... gonna fly now... got the eye of the tiger..."

JJ: "oooookaaaaayy... uh, are you worried... I've never seen you quite like this... you seem a little distant - you can handle this, right?"

Fluke: (now sweating) "Oh, sure, sure... no problemo... tummy of iron... taste buds of steel... gag reflex of a sarlacc... fortitude of a cage... versatility of a peanut... skills of a ninja... toenails of a (he stops suddenly at looks at JJ wide-eyed) ... nevermind that... this'll be a snap."

JJ: "Are you all ready? Then.... dig in."

The plates come out and are uncovered. A few groans are heard.
Fluke raises his hand

FLUKE: "Uh, can I get some utensils?"

JJ: "Not unless you brought your own, but Leia was the only one who did."

FLUKE: "Can I use my lightsabre?"

JJ: "I guess so. Sure."

Fluke powers on his lightsabre and cuts the head off his scurrier. He grimaces and begins skinning the remaining carcass, pausing on occasion to turn away and take a few deep breaths. The others are eating away. Fluke cuts away the innards very tediously and cautiously while holding the creature at full arm's length away from himself and after some time, is left with a slight sliver of genuine meat, which he eats grudgingly with a disgusted look on his face. He shudders.

FLUKE: *whew* "OK... Ready for course #2! Bring it on!" he claps his hands and rubs them together

JJ: "Um... you have to finish that Scurrier to move on."

FLUKE: "Oh, I'm quite finished with that Scurrier. Come on, bring out the next one."

JJ: "Um, you're not finished with that... you've tossed the majority of it under the table."

FLUKE: "Well, that stuff's not the edible part."

JJ: "But, you've got to eat it, too."

FLUKE: "Listen, you should be thanking me for doing the cleaning job your cooks should've done correctly in the first place. That stuff's kinda icky."

JJ: "..."

FLUKE: "Well,it is! I mean - just look at it. Icky.... ick-y, ick-y, ick-y "

JJ: "I think you're unclear on the concept here... you're competing against the other contestants to eat the most icky stuff."

Fluke gives him a blank stare

JJ: "We made it icky on purpose."

Fluke's eyebrow twitches

JJ; "We didn't un-icky-fy it on purpose. We want to see which of you could eat the most icky."

FLUKE: "hold on... you mean... I hafta... eat... that?"

JJ: (nodding head slowly) "yyyyeeeeeesssss!"

FLUKE: "are you sure?"

JJ: (nodding head slowly) "yyyyeeeeeesssss..."

FLUKE: "...really?"

JJ: (nodding head slowly) "yyyyeeeeeesssss..."

FLUKE: "...all of it?"

JJ: (nodding head slowly) "yyyyeeeeeesssss..."

Fluke's heart sinks

FLUKE: "...k..."

He begins picking up the parts and shakes and flicks some of the sand off of them. He looks up at JJ with puppy dog eyes.

JJ: "Look - you don't have to eat it...but if you don't, then you won't win the challenge."

FLUKE: "... but I gotta win the challenge."

JJ: "then just eat it... don't think bout it, just do it."

Fluke nods and begins chewing on a chunk of the leathery skin. It's still rather sandy... it's tough... it's flavor makes him think of the way wookie snot smells. He heaves for a sec, and spits it out, but then shoves it back into his mouth. He heaves again immediately, and the chunk again spews out. With eyes watering, he shoves it back in. He yaks again.

Noticing that JJ has his attention diverted, he shoves the chewed and spat piece of meat into his shirt.

FLUKE: "aaaaah, finally choked that one down." He exclaims, garnering some attention.

JJ: "Good job... looks like you only have about, oh... 80% or so left. You probably ought to worry about that head, or those innards first. Save the rest of the succulent skin for last... sort of a creme de la creme."

FLUKE: (dismayed) "uh... yeah, good plan..."

Fluke picks out a small handful of crispy innards, and shoves them into his mouth. *crunch*crunch*

FLUKE: (to self) "hey, these aren't so bad."

then he chomps a mildly slimy chunk of liver.

FLUKE: (gagging) "WHHHO_WARPH!" he holds it in "WHHHO_WARPH!" he continues to hold "WHHHHO_WARRRRPH!"

He notices the severed head in his left hand with little strands dangling out of it


His gags are turning more violent. His eyes, watering immensely. His palms, clammy. His skin, splotchy

JJ: (to self) "OMG, I can't watch this."

Fluke notices JJ turns away and nonchalantly drops the head into the sand and places his foot on top of it in attempt to bury it as he continues to do his best to hold down his ever increasing gagging. He is now completely red, sweating bullets, and has his toes balled up into tight fists. He manages to swallow.

FLUKE: (wiping his eyes and whimpering) "uuugh.... I'm getting there."

It seems the rest are finishing up their scurriers. He takes several deep breaths, and puts a few slimy innards into his mouth. He visualizes the goop swishing around as he tries to chew...
FLUKE: "WhaaaaR_PHHHHH" He holds it in, trying to think of something pleasant... "WooooHHHAARRR_PPPHHHHHHy" he continues to hold in and chew, the thought visualizations turn to the maggots he sees squirming on parts of the remaining rotting carcass... the pungent smell penetrates his nostrils...


Finally, his body purges itself with a force similar to a nova. He hollers as he let's loose. He cups his hands over his mouth, but the pressure is too great, and stomache acids and fluids spew from his fingers in all directions. He grabs onto the table and lets loose completely, screaming and hollering all the while. He shakes violently. The explosion clears the table of his remaining parts and the other contestants. He gets down on his hands and knees and crawls as he continues heaving. He continues to heave and gag and contort well after he is emptied. Everybody watches in horror as it appears he is being ripped inside out stomache first...

FLUKE: (wobbling back to a standing position, catching breath & wiping face with sleeve) "OK,... I think..."swallows hard "...I'm ready..." breathes in & out "...for the next course now?"

JJ: (shaking head slowly) "I'm sorry, Fluke.... oh so sorry...

JJ: (thinking to self) that I had to witness this"


Blogger JawaJuice said...

Too f***ing funny!!!
I need to catch my breath now...

12:22 PM, September 30, 2005  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Very funny, in a gross kind of way.

1:40 PM, September 30, 2005  
Blogger Noel of Neptonian said...

Just reading it made me feel sick. It was very funny tho.

1:48 PM, September 30, 2005  
Blogger Master Yoda said...

Very funny.

2:43 PM, September 30, 2005  
Blogger Captain Typho said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:46 PM, September 30, 2005  
Blogger Captain Typho said...

That's one of the finest descriptions of nausea I've seen.

3:47 PM, September 30, 2005  
Blogger jedisiri said...

hahahahahaha fluke you rocks! hahahahahaha

10:42 PM, September 30, 2005  
Blogger Nic said...

Oh dear stars, I started to sympathy gag more than once right along with you. That definitely captured the essence of "holding it in" as well as you can. Bravo, brave little warrior. Well written! Not to mention I laughed so hard I almost tinkled. One of the best posts I've read in a while.

12:14 AM, October 01, 2005  
Blogger Qui-Gon Jinn said...

Oh, wow, Fluke, man,
I'd have held your hair, but, like, you've got that blast helmet on.
Poor guy, I'd, like, offer a brownie, but I don't want any more ralphing, with the included detailed description.

8:45 PM, October 01, 2005  

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