Friday, October 21, 2005

Qui-Gon : Dramatic Title STAT!

He sensed it mere seconds before the fall. The young man known as Fluke Starbucker was in eminent danger and the Force pushed him to help.
Qui-Gon Jinn leapt up, mid-roll in the desert sands, and dashed to the hero's side. With enhanced reflexes, he caught the man using the Living Force as a net.
"Fluke!" he cried, slowly laying the fallen one to the sandy ground. Franticly, he checked his pulse. He found none (though he was unable to actually depress the skin in his spectral form).
JawaJuice had joined the two, watching with a questioning look on his face.
"No, Fluke, man..." Qui-Gon panted, checking his vitals. "You can't go like this. You can't DIE!"
"Die?" JJ said, leaning down and observing Fluke. "Um, Qui? He's breathing."
Qui-Gon held a translucent hand out in front of JJ, blocking his view. "Like, give us some room, man!" He knelt beside Fluke, desperately thinking, clenching his fist and teeth.
"Right! JJ, like, I need a BP, CBC, Chem 7, Lytes, and, like, a Tox screen. Type and cross match for, like, 2 litres and I want him on, like, Saline Solution IV Push, man. STAT!" Qui-Gon was near frantic.
JJ's eyes went wide. "What?"
"You heard me, man! Stat!"
"Qui," the Jawa said, putting a calm hand on his shoulder, "We don't have any of that stuff."
The ghost was at a loss. "What? You don't have any atropine? Or, like, a laryngoscope?"
JJ pointed to a small table with a sweating pitcher of iced drink. "I have some lemonade."
Qui-Gon clenched his fists, seething. "No! I've got to get his body temp down! Stat!"
JawaJuice motioned to his small foot tub. "There's my pool."
The ghost used the Force to gather up the young man and dragged him to the blue plastic basin, with a cartoon turtle design.
JJ frowned. "Qui, he peed his pants. If you dip him in there, it'll make the water all nasty."
"I'm trying to save his life! Stat!" the incorporeal one barked, dumping the unconscious young man in.
Fluke's right eye opened a sliver and he moaned softly.
High atop his perch, Master Yoda mimicked the sound of a flat-lining monitor.
"NOOOOO! Live!" Qui-Gon cried, pouring the remaining contents of JJ's pitcher over Fluke's head. "You have to live!! Live for your 47 children! Goober Mae! Little Bubby! Soppy Sue-Bob is going to Academy next year! And Cruddy Joe needs that new appendix!" Tears ran down the ghost's face, as the Jawa looked on in hushed shock. "Live for the New Jedi Order Wannabe Wannabe's! Live for the FOOF'ers!" He Force splashed the young man and sniffled, his voice breaking. "But mostly, man, ya' gotta live for ol' Quiggy..." Qui-Gon bowed his head, his shoulders shaking.
Fluke opened his eyes slowly. "Uh..."
The ghost looked on the sopping wet young man in a small tub of water, with his legs hanging over the sides. "Fluke?" he said, emotionally, tears and spectral snot running down his face.
"Why am I in a kiddie pool with Snotty the Friendly Ghost standing over me?" Fluke shook a lemon wedge off of his head.
"You're alive!" The ghost sobbed, giving Fluke a formless hug. He sniffled and wiped his nose on his soggy poncho sleeve. "I, I thought I'd lost you." His chin quaked.
"Uh," Fluke said, with a confused smile, "No. I'm good. Are you sure I'm what you thought you lost?"
JJ chimed in, "Thought?"
Fluke sat up in the several inch deep water. "Can I get up now? I can't feel my feet."
The ghost's eyes went wide. "No... In my, like, haste to save you, I've left you paralysed!" He stood dramatically and bit his clenched fist.
JJ held out his hand and helped Fluke to his feet. "Qui," Fluke said, "I'm all right. Really. Just, um, sitting like that in 3 inches of water in a plastic novelty pool made my feet go to sleep."
Qui-Gon turned around, shocked to see Fluke standing. "You're a real trooper, man. Wow. The healing power of the Living Force..." He shook his head, smiling, chin wobbling.
Fluke nodded and gave another confused smile.
"You're sure you're all right?"
Fluke gave a quick nod and started on his way to the cave. A few paces out, he stopped, and looked as though he remembered something. He turned back the ghost and the Jawa. "Thanks Qui," he said, in an over-acted sort of way, "Thanks for saving my life."
Qui-Gon and JJ shared a non-realistic sitcom smile.

Qui-Gon turned to JJ. "So, uh, do you think that was, like, dramatic enough, man?"
JJ nodded, getting himself a cold Ol' Mos Eisley from a crew cooler. "Oh yeah. That was pure Emmy material right there. It was so realistic, I wasn't sure what to think."
The spectre shook his head. "That was just, like, way out of character, though, man. Don't you think that the critics will, like, notice?"
JawaJuice took a long swig of beer. "Naw," he said, "It's Sweeps week. They only watch that one week a year anyway."
"Oh, right right. What about my fans?"
The two shared a laugh.


Blogger JawaJuice said...

I think I saw the exact same episode on General Hospital.

7:55 AM, October 22, 2005  

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