Thursday, October 20, 2005

Qui-Gon : The Stench of Failure

Qui-Gon Jinn sat in Lotus-Position atop his pillar standing high above the sands of Tatooine. His spectral eyes were closed and a gentle look of peace blanketed his translucent face. He was deep in meditation, as he had been for several days.
The harsh sun shone through him, reflecting on his brightness making him glow more so. The brutal heat of the desert did nothing to effect him. His soft, worn poncho fluttered with the occasional breeze, but other than that, he was totally still.
The talking of the others on the poles, as well as the diminutive Jawa host, went completely unnoticed.
When starting into the meditation, Qui-Gon used the standard breathing techniques he had been taught many years before. Though there was no breath in him, as he lacked a living form, he allowed his spectral body to follow the motions of the breath. In and out. Inhale and exhale. Rhythmic. Gentle and soft. Simple motions that drew him into a state of peace.
While in the state, his mind cleared. The mundane thoughts of the day were chased away by light, like the rays of the sun through the leaves of the trees. Peace covered him and he was one with all. The tiny beetles skittering on the ground. The desert cacti drinking in the sun. The herds of massive Bantha roaming wild through the scorched countryside.
The peace was still there, but after several days, Qui-Gon's mind began to wander. He recalled the Bantha he bathed during one challenge, Jim. His natty fur became soft as silk. His horrid smell was gone. The ghost knew that the Bantha was out there, roaming with the herd.
He suddenly wondered why his mind when astray. He knew that meditative peace was lasting unless one were to break free or to be roused by some powerful outside force.
His first reaction was a rather violent retch. As he had no physical form, he was not physically sick. He threw his hand, draped in his poncho over his nose. His eyes darted open to see a large mangy Bantha back-end right at his face.

"Oh, WOW! What a stench!" he exclaimed, rising to his feet.
There was the sound of very familiar giggling.
Qui-Gon's eyes went wide.
"oh, like, no..." He knew to whom the giant Bantha bottom belonged to.
"Bob, this is. Know him you do," the small green Jedi, on the pillar nearest the ghost, said. Master Yoda was busy rubbing under the Bantha's chin. Bob moaned deeply, rocking the pillars. His long, slimy pink tongue jutted from the corner of his mouth. His glossy blind eyes fluttered behind their crusty lids. He was in a Bantha state of bliss.
The spectre knew this Bantha by reputation only. He had heard the hours and hours of horror stories from the diminutive Jedi master. This was Bob, the blind Bantha with a certain gastrointestinal issue brought on by the utterance of a single word. The power of his wind was legendary.
The ghost stood, quaking, on his post.
"Please, like, Master Yoda, man... Don't..."
"Don't what?" the grinning green one interrupted.
Holding his nose, Qui-Gon waved a hand out.
"Don't, like, say, that word..."
"What word of which you speak?" Yoda's eyes twinkled and his grin grew ever wider. "Pickles?"
There was a mighty rumble that drown out the sound of Qui-Gon's yell. Bob, unceremoniously and with a mighty moan of "Wuaaaaarh!," broke wind. Phlpppt!
Suddenly, the green glowing form and tan poncho of the ghost was a blur, flying at high speed far out into the desert. It rolled a few times and went totally still.

JawaJuice jumped at the massive sound, his bare feet splashed in his wading pool.
"Sweet Aunt Mee'be, what the hell was that?!"
He looked around to see Yoda holding his sides laughing and a massive Bantha standing beside his perch.
The Jedi master wiped the tears from his eyes and looked down to JJ.
"A bit of gas Bob had. Not to worry." He began to chuckle again.
JJ looked over his trendy light-shades and noticed the vacancy at Qui-Gon's pillar.
"Where is Qui-Gon?"
Yoda simply pointed out into the desert where a faint green light flickered.
JawaJuice's jaw dropped and he blinked for a moment before breaking into a run to the light.
The sand warmed the soles of his feet as he ran and the wind from his speed blew at his robe. The form came into view. And it was rolling comically.

"Qui?" JJ asked tentatively.
The shifting green and tan figure stopped and looked up.
"Oh, wow, JJ, man."
The Jawa stepped nearer, but halted suddenly and flung his hand up to cover his nose. "Stinks..."
Qui-Gon heaved a small sigh. "Yeah, like, I know. Bob, like, ripped this massive fart, man. Blew me off my, like, perch. Bummer."
With nose tightly pinched, JJ nodded.
"So, like, I lost."
Again, JawaJuice nodded.
"Yeah, so, like, if you need me, I'll be out here. Rolling in the sand. Trying to get the rank Bantha poot smell off my poncho. For, like, the next four hours."
JJ looked as if he were to say something important, but he merely shook his head. "Good luck with that, man. See ya' in four hours then." He made sure to walk out of earshot before breaking into fits of laughter.


Blogger Master Yoda said...

Hee hee hee hee! Good bantha. Good blind farty bantha.

11:30 PM, October 20, 2005  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Bummer, man.

5:21 AM, October 21, 2005  
Blogger flu said...


My heart is now broken for you like the wind.

Pretty colors, though.

6:50 AM, October 21, 2005  
Blogger Nic said...

Loving this post! Feel for you I do Quiggy but, this gave me a much needed laugh today! Thanks. :) And thank you Master Yoda for providing the comic relief for this.

12:27 PM, October 21, 2005  
Blogger Adi Gallia said...

Have you ever smelled a Palpatine fart? It is actually quite simular to what you described.

3:51 PM, October 21, 2005  

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