Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Yoda: Bob the Bantha

Difficult for someone my size, walking down a crowded street is. See you, no one does. Still, polite I try to be. "Excuse me, please. Coming through, a tiny Jedi Master is. Step on me do not, please."

Working, this approach was not. But surprised you would be at how effective, hitting people in the shins with my cane is. Especially if hard enough I hit them so that fall down in pain, it makes them. Just be careful I must that fall on me they do not.

Anyway, walked around this stupid place for over two hours looking for a pet shop, I had. Where I was I knew not. See above the crowds I could not! So tired I was. So, to the side of the street, away from the crowds I stepped.

Just then, a voice behind me I heard, "Hey. Hey you. Little green man. You wanta buy a Bantha, eh?"

Around to look at him I turned. A small fluttering creature with a long nose and little wings, he was.

"Bantha?" I asked him, "A bantha for sale you have?"

"Sure, sure. Banthas I have. Lotsa banthas. Maybe you like a big strong one, eh? So you can get around, yeah? You don't hafta worry about getting stepped on, eh? I gotta just the one for you. Come on, you follow me now." He said, then gestured with his hand that follow him I should.

Around back behind his shop he took me. A wooden stable with several banthas, there was.

"This the one you need, right here. Shesa my best bantha. Look, very strong, yeah? You can ride her all over the city, eh? Tower over everybody, yeah?"

"Very fine she is yes."

"Tell ya what Ima gonna do for you, my friend. Ima gonna make you special deal. This bantha very strong, but I give her to you for... 100 credits, yeah? A good deal, eh?"

"100 credits?! Afford that I cannot."

"Whatta you talkin, eh? Ima giving you good deal here. What? You want I should give you the bantha for free, eh? Ok, tell ya what Ima gonna do here. Maybe 90 credits, yeah? But you don't tell nobody, yeah? I only do for you, eh?"

"Have 90 credits I do not."

"How many credits you got, eh? Maybe we can make a deal."

"Only 4 credits I have."

"4 credits? What? You think Ima charity here? Get outta here."

Around I turned, and about to walk away I was.

"Hey, wait a minute. Maybe I gotta something for you, eh? Here ya go, look here. Itsa name is Bob."

The mangiest, sorriest-looking bantha that ever seen I have, he showed me.

"Still alive, that thing is?" I asked.

"Whatta you expect for 4 credits, eh? A thoroughbred, eh? Ima doing you a favor here."

"Ok, take it I will."

My money he took, and then he said, "Ok, I gotta tell you about a little problem it has, yeah?"

"A little problem?"

"Yeah, itsa blind in the eyes. It don't see nothing. But don't worry. Itsa gonna be OK. You just lead him around with these reins, eh? Justa like this. Don't worry."

"Blind?! Supposed to get him around, how..."

"Itsa nothing. Don't worry. Oh, and a one more thing. Itsa gotta problem with its nerves. Don't do nothing to scare it. It'll be ok."

"A problem with it's nerves?"

Then close to me he leaned and whispered, "And don't say 'pickle'."


"WUAWWWW!" the thing yelled, and then out of it the most awful smell came. Badly, my eyes started to sting. Pass out, it made the other banthas.

"Look what you do! What?! You gotta big ears. Whatta you, deaf? I told you don'ta say that! Its afraid of that word!"

"What word?" I asked.



*Cough* *Hack* *Cough*. "Do that *cough* why *cough* does it?"

"Its gotta little *cough* gas problem. Don't worry. Itsa nothing. Justa don't say that word no more. You gonna be alright."

Do what, could I? Only 4 credits I had. Running out of time I was. Go back empty-handed I could not. So the reins I took, and leading the stupid thing away I started.

"Oh, and one more thing."

"What?!" I said, "another thing?!"

"Yeah, don't worry. Itsa just...don't try to ride it, eh? It don't like that."

Great. A blind, nervous bantha with a gas problem I had, and even ride it I could not. Lead it all the way back through town, I would have to. To lead it, I tried, but very big it was, and very small I am. See anything it could not, so into things it kept running. Knock over people it would. What's more, trouble figuring out where I was, I was having.

Crowded the streets became again. About to give up I was! But then, an idea I got. Around I turned Bob so that pointing down the street, his hiney was.



Quickly, the street cleared out! For their lives, everyone who was still conscious ran. Still, trouble finding my way, I was having. And running out, time was.

Lost for two hours I had been. About to give out, my legs were. Finally JJ and the Mabbitt tribe I saw. Several blocks down the street they were. Waving to me they were. Almost done I was! But, walk anymore I could not. So, up on Bob I climbed.

Like that, he did not!


He bucked and bucked, so that off I fell. Away he started to run, but tangled in the reins my hand was! Let go I could not! So down the street, the bantha dragged me, away from where I was supposed to go!

At some point, knocked unconscious, I was. When I woke up, laying in a pile of garbage I was. All over, I hurt. Ripped my clothes were. Nowhere to be found, Bob was. Great, I thought, live this down, I will not.


Blogger flu said...

I've never seen or even heard of an FOC Bantha before!

That should've been worth a LOT more than four credits - that merchant had NO IDEA what he gave away there!

You literally STOLE it from him for only 4 credits!... and then lost it... man, that blows.

I would sell all my possessions for an FOC creature. I heard about an FOC Rancor before, but not a Bantha! And I never believed the stories were true! You should feel lucky that you were even able to personally witness it!

WoW! I'm shocked and amazed. My free time will now be devoted to hunting that elegant, mystical FOC creature!

7:46 AM, August 11, 2005  
Blogger JawaJuice said...

Very inventive!
But another example why you kids out there should never buy a Bantha from a Toydarian...or a Toy from a Banthdarian for that matter.

9:13 AM, August 11, 2005  
Blogger Master Yoda said...

Young Starbucker,

If looking for FoC creatures you are, hang around the Temple more, you should.

9:18 AM, August 11, 2005  
Blogger Captain Typho said...


12:09 PM, August 11, 2005  
Blogger flu said...

FOC=Flatulate on Command.

I always thought the prepetrators at the Temple were just letting them slip, I didn't realize they had control!

Man, my civilization is so far behind!

12:36 PM, August 11, 2005  
Blogger Master Yoda said...

Young Starbucker,

Incomplete your training is. Know the Jedi Toot Trick you do not.

However, by FOC, Full Of Crap, I thought you meant. Unfortunately, that description a lot of Jedi fit.

2:36 PM, August 11, 2005  
Blogger flu said...

Oh, I am familiar with the Jedi toot trick... but that's just a trick - there's no way a Bantha could pull that one off!

Bob the Bantha had to be the real deal!

The legend lives!

2:43 PM, August 11, 2005  

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