Yoda: The Secret Meeting

-By Yoda as told to his Stupid Intern

Dusk. The lonely silouette of a small hooded figure stands atop a round dune as each of Tatooine's twin suns start to disappear behind opposite horizons. This simultaneous setting of the suns occurs only once every twenty-seven years in this part of Tatooine and is celebrated as holy by the native inhabitants. As the result of this rare cosmic event, the sky becomes an eery maroon color, causing the sand to take on faint shades of red.

The small hooded figure, a Tusken Raider by birth, race, and trade, scans the nearby landscape in nervous anticipation.

A voice calls out from behind him, "Here I am. Call me here, why did you?"

The Tusken Raider spins around to face the voice, blaster in hand. Suddenly, he feels his weapon knocked out of his grasp, not by another's hand, but by some invisible force. He's here, he thinks to himself, his heart racing as he fears this encounter may be his last.

"Where are you?" he asks, attempting to sound as if he's demanding an answer, hoping to conceal his fright.

"Down here," comes the calm reply.

The Tusken Raider looks down to see a the tiny Jedi Master standing before him. All of the legends and stories he had heard about this supposedly mighty warrior had led the Raider to picture him as a tall, muscular figure. He had not imagined him to be barely over two feet tall. "You're Master Yoda?" he asks without thinking.

"Yes, quickly state your business here you must or die soon you will."

The matter-of-fact way in which Yoda says this convinces the Raider that this is no bluff. He can see there is a weariness in this tiny creature's face. A weariness caused by centuries of battles fought, hard living, and enemies smited. Yoda does not appear to be the type who tolerates fools, or those who waste his time.

"Master Yoda, thank you for meeting me. I was afraid if I had met with any of the younger Jedi, I would be quickly slaughtered before I had a chance to speak."

"A wise decision that was. However, though young I am not, impatient I can be. Stated your business, still, you have not."

"It's the Gungan. We have him. It's time you got him back."

"Intimidated by threats I am not..."

"Wait! I'm not here to make threats! We want to return him to you."

A look of panic briefly flashes upon the old Jedi's face. "No! You must not! Uh, I mean... planning on slaughtering you my friends are. Forward to it they are looking. Putting into it much effort and planning they are. Be fair to them it would not if spoil it I did by bringing back the Gungan."

The Tusken doesn't believe his ears. "You don't understand! We can't take him anymore! He won't shut up! We've even tied his hands and feet together with his own tongue, but he still won't shut up! And what's worse, I can never understand a single word he says! He's about to drive us crazy!"

"Hmm. Yes, annoying he can be."

"Then you understand where I'm coming from?"

"Yes, very well I understand."

"Good! Then you'll take him off our hands."

"No, no. Say that I did not."

The Tusken grows exasperated. "But, you've got to take him! Look, we're willing to pay you handsomely to take him back."

Despite the raider's pleas, Yoda seems unmoved. "No. Negotiate with kidnappers, the Republic does not. Our strict policy that is."

The desert bandit tears at his own robe in frustration. "Ok, how about this? If you don't take the Gungan back, he gets it! You understand?!"

Suddenly, the old Jedi's eyes light up. "Really? Uh, I mean, be intimidated we will not!"

"I don't understand! I'm offering to give you your friend back for free!"

"Go now. Over this meeting is," Yoda says as he turns to leave. Then, suddenly, as he's walking down the dune he turns back one last time to face the Tusken. "You know, when shooting a Gungan, aim for the heart you must. Very small their brain is. If for the head you aim, miss it you likely will."

A wave of hopelessness sweeps over the Tusken as he watches the small Jedi Master turn and walk away down the dune, and finally into the encroaching darkness.