Saturday, November 12, 2005

Qui-Gon : Share the Wealth

Several days had passed at the Casino. The guests had been living it up, eating exotic foods, basking in the Tatooine suns at the pool-side, or gambling the nights away.
A special meeting was called at the Watto's Banquet Hall on the ground floor of the building. Every Survivor was invited, as well as the few fans that voted.
The day of the gathering, Qui-Gon was busy behind the scenes. He was working to ensure every aspect was perfect.
The room was simply laid-out, with three large dining tables. Two were parallel and the other connected them at the bottom. Each table had places set for every person, with the name elegantly written in calligraphy across the front. There were standard dinner settings, and a rich assorted buffet lining one wall.
Qui-Gon paced, mulling over his paperwork in a small back room, as the first few guests arrived.
Noel, Siri, Leia, and Aayla observed the setting with awe and wonder obvious in their eyes. They took in the elegant set-up and took their seats, which were all near-by each other.
Next, Anakin and Padme entered, both holding mixed drinks, and each others hand. Dorme was a few steps behind. They broke their grip as Anakin made his way to the buffet, diving into the steaming ban marie brimming with large grey shrimp. Padme and Dorme found their seats and proceeded to observe Anakin's backside as he gathered food.
Count Dooku, Grievous, and Senator Palpatine followed. Dooku took his seat, bowing graciously to those around him. He drew his maroon cape around his shoulders and sat, smiling with a look of contentment on his face. Grievous sat beside him, switching his named envelope on the table to the far side of Dooku with that of Typho, who was beside the Count. Palpatine went straight for the end of the buffet and the multiple packets of fresh Oreos.
Typho, Jon, and Han entered, talking of effective combat techniques. The three sat across from each other, still continuing their heated discussion.
In his particular idiom, JarJar sauntered in and started in on the sautéed frogs-legs.
Yoda entered briskly, with a melancholy Mace Windu in tow. The younger master whined on as they took their seats.
With an opened bag of Cheetos and a beer in hand, Obi-Wan came in, belching a jaunty tune. He squinted at the writing on the envelopes, one after another.
Master Yoda waved, "Obi-Wan, over here you are." He breathed a sigh. "Next to me. A reverent joy this is. Stuck between a doofus and a girly-man."
The next two to enter were announced rather loudly by the bellowing drunken Jawa, JawaJuice. "The Juice and the Fluke's have entered the building!" Fluke kept a hand under the inebriated Jawa, as the small one staggered about spilling his glass of liquor down the front of his robe. The seating did not allow Fluke near JJ, but Siri was kind enough to trade seats, and Fluke ensured that the diminutive one was sitting with a fresh glass of Jek Porkins whiskey before taking his own chair.
The group chatted for a few minutes before their host made his appearance. Those with food took their seats. He slipped in from the service entrance and took his place at the front of the tables.
"Hey, guys," Qui-Gon said.
The chatting continued, no-one paying mind to the green ghost at the front of the room.
Again, no response.
The Jawa piped up. "HEY! LISTEN TO QUI!" He swayed in his chair. Fluke held one hand out to steady him, and his other over his own throbbing ears.
"Uh, thanks, man." The ghost smiled at JJ.
Obi-Wan continued munching on his Cheetos loudly, chewing with his mouth open, much like a cow.
The group turned to stare at the loutish master. Palpatine held one hand aloft and made a crushing motion. The bag flattened, exploding, covering Obi-Wan in a fine orange dust.
Once the Jedi wiped the chaffy powder from his eyes, hacking, he licked at his hand. His red irritated eyes went wide. "Whoa..." He was suddenly preoccupied with licking himself clean, and silence again reigned.
Qui-Gon looked away from his former Padawan and sighed. "Guys, you've probably, like, put it together why I've brought you all here."
"Those bribes your promised us?" Han asked with a good-natured smile.
There were a few scattered chuckles and Qui-Gon smiled widely. "You'd be right." He waved a hand to the tables. "In front of all of you is, like, an envelope. Open it."
Everyone did so. Obi-Wan caught on after a tick and tore into his orange letter.
Jaws dropped. Eyes blinked.
"That's right. Those are cheques. Every cent of my winnings. 60,000 standard to each Survivor. 10,000 to the fans that voted." He shot a wink to Noel. "And additional money to the finalists."
JJ opened his envelope with fervour. "Wait. Wait wait wait. Wait. Hold on. Step back. Go previous. This is a cheque. Made out to me. For 60k." He hiccupped loudly. "I wasn't a Survivor. I was sipping Mai-Tai's while Fluke was barfing his guts out and sunbathing whilst you lot were sand-surfing."
The ghost smiled, shaking his head. "You were a Survivor. You were there with us every step of the way. You were with us when we took the book with the Auryn cover from the bookst... Wait, huh... Brownie flashback. Sorry, man. No, like, what I'm trying to say is that, like, you got a bum wrap from that Survivor Fascist Dictator. You deserve the credits just as much as anyone else."
There was a sniffle, and JJ proceed to drain his glass, breaking into overly emotional sobs when he finished.
Fluke patted the weeping Jawa's back. "Little too much excitement and Smirhoth, I think."
The ghost nodded. A large proud smile broke over his features. "There's more, man."
A group of finely dressed hotel staff members came out of the service entrance, delivering wrapped packages to each attendee. Qui-Gon followed behind, redistributing the boxes to those who shifted seats.
"Before you is a..." The spectre began, but was interrupted by the sounds of ripping paper.
Palpatine had opened his gift first and with astounding speed. From the narrow box, he removed a sleek lightsabre, its hilt playing the light in the room off the walls.
"Yeah, well," Qui-Gon scratched at his neck, sheepishly. "It's a lightsabre, man. But, like, better than that is that it's a far out ink pen too."
The black robed senator clicked a button on the sabre's side and a ball-point pen head popped from the tip.
"I was thinking that with you being in the Senate, and Padme had those issues with the assassins, it would be good for protection and, like stuff. All they had was red, though."
The senator smiled wickedly. "Good," he said, his voice filled with darkness. "My favourite colour." His speech returned to that of aged innocence.
"You might need some training..."
Palpatine was out of his seat, sabre extended, waving it through the air like a master.
JJ snored lightly.
"Huh," was Qui-Gon's only reply. "Right, well, open 'em up, guys!"
Master Yoda tore into his large gift, revealing a rather nice holo-vid unit and a small gold key taped to the side of the box.
Qui-Gon stood behind his once master and said, "They're installing the lock on the, like, door to your room now, man. Just, uh, keep Bob away. I don't know if it's Bantha proof."
The ghost then looked on Typho. The guardian held his new blaster pistol fast. "Nice, ain't it? It's a new '06 model. And like, try the scope. It's especially fitted to someone with, like, your uh, mono-occular capacity."
Han looked disappointed. "A mirror? You gave me a mirror? I could have used a new blaster."
Qui-Gon shook his head, gathering up the small shining mirror with a bit of the Force. It was platinum and lavishly carved, engraved with Han's initials. He clicked a tiny button on the side. "You're missing the best part." He held the object out, revealing a small compartment. Inside were a set of keys, with two black dice attached. "There is a small place for smuggling. Or hiding those extra Sabacc cards, man."
Qui-Gon passed up Mace, who had already begun penning into his new personalised diary.
Padme smiled up at Qui-Gon as he walked by. "Like, wow. Day passes at Bail's Day Spa are so totally exclusive. Should I, like, ask how you got these? That place is always booked, even for me! And not, just, like, me, but Dorme too? Wow!"
"My secret," the ghost said with a wink.
Anakin was busy adding the 'bling' attachments for his robo-claw, as well as the Commtech add-on chip. Soon, he would be able to not only receive phone calls on his hand, but he'd be able to play the first three levels of Tetris for free.
Siri and Aayla were showing each other what they had received. Siri had an Orb of Thessula and a set of Ithorian Tarot cards, while Aayla had an impressive Espresso maker, with an assortment of fine coffees. Noel had opened her Karaoke machine and was checking out the track listings on the included audio-disc.
Leia was trying on her Fork Utility belt, equipped with multiple shiny forks. There was a glowing gold one in her hand.
"That," Qui-Gon said, "That is just a mere glimpse of the power of the Fork, Leia. Your first step into a larger world."
The certificate for one year of Crunchy Raw Unboned Real Dead Frog (R) from Whizzo Chocolate Company Inc. sat beside an empty box of the snacks. JarJar had already started in on the second.
Grievous had placed his lightsabres in the fine rack he had received. There was a shiny new one at the top rung. He had more than a lightsabre, necessitating the use of a rack.
Count Dooku tried on his spiffing new top hat and cape. "Very fine, my former Padawan. Sophisticated and in my colour too. Black." He laughed aloud.
Jon looked sceptically at his box-set of the Complete Max Headroom series. "Cool." He smiled politely and went back to reading the back of the box.
The squeaking wheel of the Survivor Cooling Droid made Fluke smile. He patted the top, looking up at Qui-Gon. "You kept it!"
"But of course, man. So, what do you think of your new toy?" The ghost beamed.
Fluke took the hand-held IM-Pod. "Very cool."
"You can, like, wire that bad boy into your, like, blaster helmet, and you won't have to listen to Sprock sing about any more Hobbits." Qui-Gon grimaced. "Unless you like that song."
Fluke shook his head quickly.
"JJ can open his later." The spectre patted the small sleeping Jawa on the back. "It's, like, the merchandising rights to me and Dook's reunion tour. Make him a mint, man."
Fluke looked at the spectral master. "You gave away everything you won? How'd you buy the gifts?"
"Part of my brownie money. It's only bread, man." Qui-Gon smiled.
Obi-Wan looked around at the others, still sucking the orange out of his robe. He put a hand on the wrapping on his gift. A look of confusion was written on his features. "Uh, why's the hotel givin' me presents?"
"From Qui-Gon, they are." Yoda said, his ears drooping.
Obi-Wan tore in. He opened the box and his jaw dropped. His eyes slipped closed.
Master Yoda leaned over, trying to peak in the box. "What get you, did he?" The small one gasped.
Obi-Wan laid a hand on the worn fabric nestled in the box. "His poncho."
The chatter of the others died down as Obi-Wan held the garment up.
"But that's..." Fluke was a loss for words.
In his hands was the single item that represented Obi-Wan's fallen master than anything that he'd ever known. It had been cleaned and the fire damage and holes had been mended. He looked up.
And saw the shimmering green form of Qui-Gon Jinn.
"Qui-Gon..." he said, his voice breaking.
The ethereal master met his gaze.
Suddenly the room filled with cheesy sitcom reconciliation music, but the united Master and Apprentice did not hear it.
Han, however, did. "When did this turn into a 'very special episode'?"
"Han-Dogg, with Qui, it's always som'in' sappy," Anakin said, working on a text to Padme's Commtech.
Qui-Gon sniffled, translucent tears of ether slipped down his cheeks, pooling at his smile. "You can see me! That is so seriously, like, far out, man!"
Obi-Wan's tone had changed. His accent sounded more sophisticated and civilised. "My Master, for many years I did not see you and I was but lost. Now I can truly become a Jedi master."
The ghost held out his arms, calling for an embrace.
Obi-Wan ran for him, his arms out as well.
The music became even sappier.
Palpatine rubbed at his stomach. "Indigestion from the high-levels of saccharine-sweet fluff. And this scene is just disturbing."
Obi-Wan met Qui-Gon's arms.
And phased right through him, losing his balance and ramming into a large marble support pillar.

Obi-Wan Kenobi regained consciousness slowly. He faded in and out, mumbling about bad bologna and how Cheez-Nips were not a suitable substitute for Cheetos.
He opened his eyes. "Duh?" His head was resting on something soft.
Mace Windu smiled down at the man.
Obi-Wan gagged a bit and sat up. "Whatta sight to wake up to. What am I at?" His accent was thick and lacking the grace that he had found before.
"Remember you do not?" Yoda said, leaning back to avoid the smell of Kenobi's breath.
"Uh..." The younger man scratched at his head. "Duh, nope! Huh. Git 'er done!" He propped himself up on his elbow, his fingers grazing against a bit of fabric. Looking on it, he suddenly looked as if he recalled something. "That's that there floatin' poncho that JJ can make fly! Hoo-wee! That was a hoot!"
The spectre hung his head.
Count Dooku scooped up the garment, flashing a glare to the Jedi on the floor. He handed it over to Qui-Gon. "It is not the right time, Padawan. Soon."
The ghost shrugged the poncho on. "I'll just get him fishing stuff."

The giving had ended hours before and Qui-Gon sat in a lone chair, deep in thought. His attention was broken by the yawn of JawaJuice.
"Hey JJ."
The Jawa waved sleepily. He slipped out of his chair and wandered over to the ghost.
"That poncho thing didn't work. But at least it's clean."

Party at Watto's

I've been watching Survivor Tatooine religiously, the various challenges, the tribal councels, everything. I was very elated to see that when Qui-Gon won, he invited just about everyone to Watto's for a party. Quickly, I sprung into action, jumping into my trusty ship the Danger Sled and warping on over to the desert planet.

Warp technology is great. As an aside, I have to comment how nice it is that there is such a device that allows us to have adventures like this every week.

I got to Watto's a little later than I expected, crossing the galaxies can take longer than you might think. I wanted to get there for dinner because I heard that the buffet's nerf roasted in bluemilk was the best that you could find. Fortunately, the buffet is open all night. More importantly, the bars were open all night, too.

I went to one of the lounges and met Fluke and Jawa Juice. Fluke had a few and was Fusing the Spores to levitate some drinks. JJ had a few, too, and his glowing eyes looked glazed over.

"See JJ, first we Fuse the Spores, then nature chews the Spores, then we use the Spores!"

JJ mumbled something semicoherently.

"No no no, JJ, you're missing the timeless beauty of it. First we Fuse the Spores, then nature chews the Spores, then we use the Spores!"

JJ mumbled something again.

"No no no, you're still missing it, First we Fuse the Spores, then nature chews the Spores, then we use the Spores!"

JJ mumbled once more.

"See now you're getting it."

"Say guys, what's going on?" I ask.

"Oh, Jon Jon Jon, this is so cool, check this out," slurred Fluke. "First we Fuse the Spores, then nature chews the Spores, then we use the Spores! It's like totally cool."

JJ mumbled again.

"Yeah, hey you know there's a show going on," I pointed down the corridor. "You guys going?"

"Oh yeah, I hear that guy is so awesome," replied Fluke. "I totally wanna check it out. I have to tell you something first. See, Jon, first we Fuse the Spores, then nature chews the Spores, then we use the Spores!"

"Gotta go." I took off. Jawa mumbled. I couldn't tell if he was mumbling through the drinks or the hood or what.

I saw Mace and Yoda talking in a sports bar. They seemed to be arguing over one of the football games.

"I love those Tusken Raiders helmets. They're dark and shiny and strong. Just like me."

"Strong running game leads to play action, play action leads to touchdown, touchdown leads to victory," said Yoda watching the screen.

"I love those Space Buccaneers helmets. They are tough and shiny like me. They are tough and protective, like me. They are red and pewter, like me. Say, Yoda, would I look good in a red and pewter robe or would I look good?"

"Feh, pewter I do not like," Yoda replied. "A very nice orange the Buccaneers had. Like a delicious creamcicle they looked." Yoda took another swig of his drink.

"Hey, gang," I walked up to them. "You going to the show?"

"Oh yes, I look so good in the dark of the audience," said Windu. "I'm ready to go."

"I am ready, too," said Yoda. "I hear that it is a very good show."

"Master Yoda, you're talking... backwards," I said.

"I am, ahem," Yoda cleared his throat and regained some composure. "Drunk I am."

The waitress seated us and the show began. Elvis Spaceclone #23 was onstage and he was rocking the house.

Elvis was singing:

Twin sun desert gonna set my soul
Gonna set my soul on fire
There's a whole lot of credits that are ready to burn
So get those stakes up higher
There's a thousand pretty Twileks just a-waitin out there,
And they're all livin' Devaronian-may-care
And I'm just the Devaronian with love to spare
Viva at Watto's
Viva at Watto's

And how I wish that there were more
Than twenty-eight hours in the day.
But even if there were forty more,
I wouldn't sleep a minute away.
Oh, there's sabaac, holo-chess and Podracing bets.
A fortune won and lost with no regrets.
All you need are blasters or superfast jets.
Viva at Watto's
Viva at Watto's
Viva at Watto's
Viva at Watto's
Viva! Viva!

The crowd stood up, cheering and roaring. I sure wish that I had a camera or better photomanipulating skills so I could show my friends back home.

"Thank you, thank you very much," said Elvis. "I'm gunna take a short break. Thank you, thank you very much."

Watto came up on stage, flapping his wings.

"Oh wasn't that great, everybody? Elvis Spaceclone #23!" He called out. "You know, we have a special party here tonight, eh. We also have a special visitor who's traveled a long way to be here. Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, everybody!"

Lights shone on me, I reluctantly stood up and waved to the applauding audience.

"Say, Jon," continued Watto. "Why don't you come up and sing for us, eh?"

"Oh no no, I couldn't," I said.

"Nonsense, nonsense," he replied. "Come on up, eh!"

I gave in to the cheering crowd, went up on stage and grabbed a microphone.

"OK, OK, this one's dedicated to Qui-Gon. He's the reason we're all here." The audience applauded for Qui-Gon, his spectral form waved and saluted everyone with his banana daiquiri.

At first I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But then I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned how to get along
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive (hey-hey)

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
But now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
and now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
Did you think I'd crumble
Did you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

The audience stood and applauded (it didn't hurt that everyone had been drinking pretty much all day).

"Let's get the winner up here, everyone. Come on up here, Qui-Gon!" I called out.

Qui-Gon tried to wave everyone off, but the crowd wouldn't have it. With a shrug, the specter reluctantly floated up to stage to address the cheering crowd.

"Thank you everybody," he said. "It's, like, cool, man."

"Sing! Sing! Sing!" yelled the crowd. Remember, they had been drinking.

"Oh no no, man," Qui-Gon said. "I gave up my singing days long ago."

"Oh please, old chap," called out Count Dooku. "Belt one out for us!"

"Alright, alright, I do know one song," the ghostly Jedi conceded.

"I'll sing with you," I offered.

Qui-Gon was silent for a moment.

"Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring bananaphone!"

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Watto's: The first few hours I remember...

All right, let’s get this party started.

I put on my best robe, lit up one of my famous 2 credit cigars and splashed a hint of Old Sarlacc cologne behind the eyes and walked into Watto’s Casino and resort ready to finally let loose. First stop…the bar, where I started the day with a couple of shots of Jack Dactillion. Ahhhh…that hit the spot.

t was still too early to hit the casinos just yet so I opted to walk around a bit. I think I was the first one here. No wait…there’s Padmé on the slots dropping credits like she’s downing margaritas. Oh…and it looks like she’s downing margaritas too.

I made a quick stop in my room to change. I’m determined ta hit every bar in this place so my next stop is the pool side bar. I then started to hear some hooting and hollering outside in the parking lot, so I took a look outside the window. Sure enough, there was Obi-Wan and Anakin trying to impress some local girl as only they can.

I grabbed a towel and skedaddled back down to the pool. I think I spent the next five hours just floating and drinking anything with an umbrella in it.

And this is just the beginning….

I hope I got enough brain cells to lose this weekend…

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Qui-Gon : Inviting Advert

Master Yoda sat in his special chair in the empty council room. He leaned back, kicking his small feet out, crossing them at the ankles. Idly, he flipped through channels on the projector holo-vid. He settled on a syndicated episode of the Golden Girls, placing the remote at his side, and resting his hands behind his head.
"No interruptions," he muttered to himself. "Peace and quiet I need."
There was a snuffling sound at the door, followed by a chime. "Master Yoda?"
Yoda's ears drooped. "What is it, Padawan Harvey?"
"Um," the small voice stammered, "I think that Bob wants to be wif you. He don't want no more rides."
The master rested his head on his hand, his elbow popped up on the armrest. "Master Yoda's time this is. Go and play. For a walk you should take him."
With a sudden hiss, the door slid open and in stomped a large natty bantha, with a small boy, looking sheepish, in tow. Showing the grace of Wampa, the wooly beast parked himself beside Yoda's seat, his mangy locks hanging in the small master's face. Harvey sat on the opposite side of Yoda, his view of the chair blocked by the mammoth bantha.
Yoda gave and exasperated moan, pushing the fur aside.
"Even after the bath, like poodu you smell!"
Harvey chimed in. "Master, that was me. Sorry."
Yoda simply shook his head and tried to focus on the programme playing before him. He absently stroked the bantha's fur. Bob gave a low guttural purr and his long slobbery tongue hung from his mouth.
"Master?" Harvey asked. "Do we have to watch the show wif the old ladies? Can't we watch wrasslin'?"
There wasn't a second for thought before Yoda's reply of, "No! Your mind wrestling rots!" He expelled a small sigh and took up the remote with his free hand. "Maybe something educational we can watch."
Harvey whined loudly and Bob gave one of his quietest belches.
Yoda shuffled through the stations and caught something very familiar. It was a shot of Watto's Casino. He left the station to play.

* * * *
Watto's Casino shown, secluded far out into the reaches of Tatooine's desert wastelands. The sky was powder blue and cloudless. There was a slight breeze that gently blew at the healthy palms decorating the entrance. Bright lights flickered up the length of the building. Twin suns shone in the background.

The translucent form of Qui-Gon Jinn stepped into view. He was in his standard Jedi uniform, but lacked his dilapidated poncho. JawaJuice came up to stand beside the ghost.

"Like, hey, guys, this is Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master, and, like, Soul Survivor from the really popular programme, Survivor : Tatooine. I'm, like, here to make an announcement to my, like, fellow Survivors and our fans, man." He motioned to his friend, JJ. "This is JawaJuice. He's here to translate for the Force Ghost Visually Impaired." JJ waved.
"So, like, right," the spectre began, "I'm here to invite everyone..."
JJ held up a sign saying "OBI-WAN."
"To this far out shindig..."
Another sign was held up, "BIG PARTY."
"Out here at Watto's on Tatooine..."
"And, like, it's on me, man."
"Live I've got some stellar food lined up. Gourmet stuff and then the classics, Cheetos, beer, Oreos, and, like, brownies, of course."
"And, like," Qui-Gon smiled, "A special surprise for you guys, man. You'll like it."
"Just meet me here at Watto's. The whole place has been rented out for the next five days. Everyone's got a free room and whatever munchables you want. So, yeah, I'll like see you here. And, guys, thanks."
* * * *
Yoda sat still for a moment.
"Are youse goin' back to Tatooine, Master?" Harvey crawled into view, looking up at the green one with big brown eyes.
Bob snuffled, pushing into the gentle strokes Yoda was petting him with. He shook his head, slinging slobber all over Master Windu's seat.
Yoda looked at the seat and down to Harvey.
"Summoned I am. Away I must go. Just tell Master Windu about his chair, we will not."
Harvey smiled and gave a big nod.
The Master climbed up on the purring bantha, pulling at the dreads and shimmying his way to the curve of beast's neck.
"Bob, back to Tatooine we are going."
The mammoth stood and headed for the door, stopping abruptly when Obi-Wan dashed into the open chamber.
The younger master panted, his eyes bright, a smile lighting up his flushed features. He skidded to a halt before the bantha and his rider.
"Hoo whee! Did ya'll see that there advert, Master Yoda? Free Cheetos! I'm goin' back ta' Tatooine fer' sure!"
Yoda shook his head and dragged a hand over his face. "A long weekend this will be," he muttered to himself.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Survivor Epilogue

Wow. My oh my. It’s been a long and crazy ride since July 14th. Twelve challenges, sixteen contestants, 208 posts…who would have thought this would work? I didn’t. Not at first anyway. In the beginning I thought it would be kinda cool if there was some special blog to bring all those in the SW universe together and interact with each other. Who knew it would last three and a half months? (Unforeseen illnesses not withstanding.)

But I was looking over all the posts the other night and I must say….wow. What an amazing body of work! If any of you out there have the time to read over it all again, I suggest you do so. There are some hilarious and wonderful gems of writing…eh…reporting I mean, in there. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, you all have done a fantastic job.

At first I really didn’t think it would work out. For the first few weeks there were a few people who neither posted nor voted. They just didn’t show up so I thought, “Well this is a bust. Oh well.” But as it turned out, we were just getting used to the situation and getting down to the strong characters.

If I were to do this again, I think I would do a few things differently though. First off, have only fourteen contestants max (and merge at seven or eight). This would help with shaving off a few weeks to make things go a little quicker. I would also have implemented the “no-vote: you’re voted off” rule from the beginning. This would have helped clear away those people who weren’t really interested in the first place. (As a side note, I think I would also try and make sure those who signed up we’re truly committed to the project. I think that was the only real discouraging thing for me about the game when it started) But after the first month, things took off and the remaining players shined like the twin suns of Tatooine!

One other thing I definitely would change: dealing with the dreaded ties at votes. I hated having to randomly determine a tie at vote time. In a game that already relied on chance to determine who won and got immunity, it just seemed too much. Next time…eh, if there is a next time…I think I would do it this way---

Ties would be determined first by how many posts that person has at the time of voting. If you have placed more posts than the other person, you’re safe and the other person gets voted off. This would encourage players to post beyond the one post a week minimum and would have solved all but one of the tie votes for this past game!

But that’s neither here nor there. It was a learning process and I had fun doing it. I loved thinking of crazy challenges and loved even more when the winner who was posted had to figure out how in the world they were going to win. (Or in the case of Han on the swoop bike race, how in the world did he ever come in last?!?) It’s these types of challenges that make the game fun. I think next time I would also put in more creative writing challenges like the Pillar of Doom or the Three rings of Fear, since those type of challenges really pushed the envelope on people’s writing skills. But come on…ya gotta have fun gross stuff like the Hutt lick and jawa BBQ too.

I must say though, I was a bit surprised there wasn’t more posts that dealt with just the simple day to day actions of the characters in camp. I really thought Yoda and Dooku would have it out in some kind of smack down confrontation. There were some, however. I loved the little stinky present given to one of the tribes by the other tribe late one night. And the budding romance of Typho and Siri began in these episodes (Although we all know how well that worked out eventually, don’t we…) That’s why I also added other oddities for you guy to write about: sandstorms, a Tusken raider raid, a crazy idol that changes gender (ooo, I was so hoping Fluke would get that one..) which for the most part all of you did very well with. I am well aware of the burden a second blog has on people, so honestly, I ain’t complaining.

I do have one question for all the contestants though, something that I’ve been wondering throughout the entire game. Were there any secret alliances? Did any of you secretly E-mail each other to say, hey…this is how were going to vote and all? And if not…why not? That’s what Survivor is all about! I’m surprised there wasn’t more of that on the posts too.

Anyway, here is the voting record for all the Tribal Councils.

Names in green denote that that tribe (or individual) won immunity.

The name in bold red was voted off. (If a tie the names will be in bold and the one gone is in red.

An asterisk shows that person didn’t place a vote.

(And remember, this is just a game, so don't hold any grudges on who voted for you.)

Week 1
Ooteeni Tribe

Qui-Gon: Palps
Fluke: Grievous
Palps: Qui-Gon
Aayla: Grievous
Grievous: Obi-Wan
Jar Jar: Fluke
Leia: Grievous
Obi-Wan: Grievous

(It’s a shame Grievous got voted off so early. I always thought he would have some good posts down the road.)

Week 2
Mabbit Tribe

Anakin: Han
Dooku: Mace
Han: Han
Siri: Han
Mace: *
Padmé: Mace
Typho: Mace
Yoda: Mace

(Yes, you’re seeing it correctly…wracked with guilt from the build a droid fiasco, Han voted for himself…and nearly got voted off.)

Week 3
Although Mabbitt won the reward challenge in the obstacle course both tribes went to tribal council

Anakin: Padmé
Dooku: Padmé
Han: Siri
Siri: Dooku
Padmé: *
Typho: Padmé
Yoda: Padmé

Qui-Gon: Palps
Fluke: Obi-Wan
Palps: *
Aayla: Palps
Jar Jar: Obi-Wan
Leia: Obi-Wan
Obi-Wan: *

Week 4
Another reward challenge only with Mabbitt the winners of that.

Anakin: Siri
Dooku: Siri
Han: Siri
Siri: Dooku
Typho: Dooku
Yoda: Siri

Qui-Gon: Palps
Fluke: Palps
Palps: Qui-Gon
Aayla: Palps
Jar Jar: Palps
Leia: Palps

Week 5
Ooteeni Tribe

Fluke: Aayla
Aayla: Qui-Gon
Qui-Gon: Jar Jar
Jar Jar: Leia
Leia: Fluke

An unusual way to call for a tie, have everyone vote for everyone forcing random determination the loser.

Week 6 and the two tribes merged

Aayla: *
Anakin: Aayla
Dooku: Aayla
Fluke: Anakin
Han: Aayla
Jar Jar: Dooku
Qui-Gon: Typho
Typho: Aayla
Yoda: Aayla

Week 7

Anakin: *
Dooku: Jar Jar
Fluke: Anakin
Han: *
Jar Jar: Typho
Qui-Gon: Typho
Typho: Jar Jar
Yoda: Jar Jar

This week had the person who had immunity (Fluke) give a special immunity to someone else (Qui-Gon)

Week 8

Anakin: *
Dooku: Fluke
Fluke: Anakin
Han: *
Qui-Gon: Typho
Typho: Fluke
Yoda: Fluke

Tired of the no-votes, I implemented the no-vote/ get voted off rule in which after a tie on that, Anakin got voted off. Just think though…had Anakin and Han voted, Fluke would probably have been voted off then.

Week 9

Dooku: Han
Fluke: Dooku
Han: Typho
Qui-Gon: Typho
Typho: Fluke
Yoda: Fluke

A really tough tie! I hated randomly picking this one. Had the idea of the person with the most posts wins been in play, Typho would have won this one.

Week 10

Dooku: Fluke
Fluke: Dooku
Han: Yoda
Qui-Gon: Dooku
Yoda: Fluke

Another too close tie!!

Week 11

Fluke: Han
Qui-gon: Han
Han: Fluke
Yoda: Fluke

That made three in a row that Fluke beat the odds. He seemed almost unstoppable until…

Week 12

Qui-Gon: --
Yoda: Fluke
Fluke: --

Since Qui-gon and Fluke canceled out each other, it was Yoda how cast the deciding vote.

The Final Vote

And just in case you were wondering who cast the last big votes…

Dooku: QGJ
Typho: QGJ
Siri: Yoda
Noel: QGJ
Grievous: QGJ
Jar Jar: QGJ
Han: QGJ
Palps: QGJ
Fluke: QGJ
Jon: QGJ
Leia: Yoda
Dormé: Yoda

I’ve got to say I really thought Yoda was a shoe in from the beginning. He hardly ever got any votes against him which made this last vote quite surprising to me.

But hey Yoda…at least you got the chick vote.

Well, that’s about it. I think I’m going to sleep for a month. I hope everyone had a fun time doing this not-so-little adventure. I know I did. I think I might have had the best time of you all cos all I had to do was throw out some bizarre challenges and stuff then sit back and read all the ingenious, hilarious posts.

Will I ever do this again?


Not right away obviously but who knows… Maybe a few months down the road, when the dust has settled and perhaps a new crop of SW bloggers are furiously writing away I may just come back with…oh, I don’t know…Survivor: Hoth?

...We’ll see.

In the meantime, thanks for playing along.

It was a blast.


-J.J out!

P.S. I hear Palps is selling the yellow spedo he wore on the show on Ebay even as we speak.

Friday, November 04, 2005

And the Winner of Survivor: Tatooine is....

Welcome to the special live show finale of Survivor: Tatooine; live from studio R2 in Palpatine Plaza on Coruscant. I’m your host, J.J. and with me are the two survivor finalist, Jedi Master Yoda and Force Ghost Master Qui-Gon Jinn.

Behind me we also have the other fourteen members of Survivor: Tatooine here with us tonight.

Most of which have already cast their votes, but this Survivor is a little different. This time we expanded to include all those in the SW community, some who have watched each episode since it aired way back in July to take part in this monumental vote. As of air time, we have received a healthy 12 votes.

At stake tonight, a million credits. So, without any more rambling, it is time to read the votes. Remember, the votes cast are for who is to become the winner – you want to see their name to win. I’ll now read the votes.

……………first vote……….Qui-Gon

Second vote……………….Yoda








……….Qui-Gon again


………….and Qui-Gon

The winner of Survivor: Tatooine by a vote of 9 to 3….

Qui-Gon Jinn!!!

Congratulations!!! You have just won a million credits along with this trophy as well as these five “Tales of the Jedi” comics by Dark Horse Comics straight from my own personal collection.

As for you, Master Yoda, congratulations to you also. You played a good game and truth to tell this last vote even took me by surprise. But you won’t be walking away completely empty handed. Bring her out, boys. That’s right, you still get to take home with you Bob the mangy, blind FOC bantha. As good as a second place prize as we have ever given out.

Also I would like to say congratulations and thanks to all the contestants who played in the game. You all have done an amazing job and should be very proud of the posts you have placed.

Well, that’s almost it for me. Come back tomorrow for a special wrap-up show finale where I will reveal all the voting strategies from all the votes, talk about some behind the scene antics, what I would do differently and give some final thoughts.

And now…eh…jeez…do I really have to do this? Alright. Well I guess the producers want me to end on a song so here it goes….ahem….

Here he is….Mister Survivor…
Walking down the carpet…
Waving his hand…

Mister Survivor…
He’s got some luck…
Now with his million credits…
He can tell the world to take a flying f--*

(roll credits)

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Qui-Gon : Focusing on Reality

The cave was lit by several lights in decorative Tiffany glass shades. The multicoloured brightness shone on the two residents.
Qui-Gon Jinn, the Force Ghost, and Ogopogo, the Sarlacc, were engaged in a game. There was a map before them, with several well painted pewter figurines placed in strategic squares. Dice of many shapes and colours were scattered around.
Qui-Gon sat, cross-legged, in front of a notebook and a pencil.

"The room you are in smells of mould and rotting flesh," Ogopogo said, his voice like gurgling grinding. "The walls are smeared with dark blood. You can see several hobgoblins, who are mumbling in the corner. There are..."
Qui-Gon interrupted. "Hey, can I use your 'fresher again, man?"
The Sarlacc stopped rolling dice over in his tentacle. "Again? Geez! Go on, just make it quick. I want for your Half-Elf to see the power of the +2 Sword of Wounding."
"Thanks." The apparition dashed off. He returned a few minutes later.
Ogopogo regarded him with a concerned eye-less beak as he floated by.
"I didn't even know that ghosts use the can, man. Are you nervous?"
Qui-Gon laughed, the fray of his nerves obvious in his voice. "Nope. No way, man. You'd know if I was nervous 'cause, like, I'd throw up."
The ghost settled back down.
"You ready?" Ogopogo asked. He took up his two sapphire dice in his ropy tentacle.
Qui-Gon sat still for a moment. There was a sudden acute look of distress that ran across his features and he bolted for the entrance of the cave, a hand clapped over his mouth. Once outside, he dropped to his spectral knees and proceeded to empty his ethereal stomach on the chilly night sands. He sat on his heels and regained his composure, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. Slowly, he rose and re-entered the cave.
The Sarlacc asked him,
"You all right there, man?"
Qui-Gon nodded. "Sorry. Must have been something I ate."
"Looked more like everything you ate. How many brownies did you have?"
The ghost shook his head. "Not that many."
A long tentacle reached out to pat the incorporeal being on the shoulder, but merely phased through him. "You're nervous. You can't lie."
Qui-Gon sat hard on the floor of the cave. His gaze dropped to the downward. "I can't deny it. I'm really nervous."
Ogopogo pushed several dice together over the map. "It's okay, buddy. It will all be over tomorrow."
Qui-Gon smiled. "It's not that, man. I'm cool with, like, whatever happens, you know? But, see, with Survivor leaving the holo-vid airwaves, that means that they'll need some new reality programme to fill its place. Even if I win, maybe next month I'll be singing for a spot on Alderaan Idol. Or working as an Apprentice to a Hutt. Or, like, even living some Surreal Life with all these wacky stars from years past."
"Creepy. See where you're coming from." The Sarlacc shrugged a tentacle and pulled his dice behind his fold-out screen. "Let's make the best of it here then."
"Cool. Your focus determines your reality."
Ogopogo continued narrating the mission. "Yeah! Well, your reality is that the hobgoblins have spotted Jard, your hero! Roll for 'inish'!"

Monday, October 31, 2005

The BIG Vote!!!

Alright, some of you have had a chance to ask some questions to our two finalist…not sure I understand most of them, but there you go. We’ve also had a chance to hear both Qui-Gon and Yoda’s reasons for wanting to win the million credits….now it’s time to vote!

Not only is the vote open to all the members of Survivor:Tattoine but as a reward to those who have been patiently reading this blog for the past three months, the vote will also be open to all those in the Star Wars community.

If you are a member of the Star Wars United Forum you can cast your vote now! Just send me an e-mail or personal message through the forum. (This is to insure who sends in the vote only votes once.) Remember…you’re voting for the person you want to win, not be cast out this time.

Yoda, Qui-Gon and myself can not cast a vote but that still leaves potentially twenty-eight other people.

Voting will end this Friday (Nov. 4th) at 9 am pacific time, so vote early…vote now!! Tell your friends! Gather the kids! Let out the frogs!

Good luck to both of you. You both have done a great job, as have all the other contestants of this crazy game.

Alright…..get ready……VOTE!!!