Saturday, October 01, 2005

Yoda: Tummy Trouble

The toughest challenge ever, this would be. Require much meditation on my part to prepare, it would. Some time to prepare before the challenge they gave us, so my meditation chant I started.

"An illusion the food is... specters, ghosts ... has substance it does not... taste like chicken it will..."

"Yoda?" JJ interrupted, "What are you doing?"

"Meditating I am. Shoo."

"Why are you doing... ouch! hey!"

With my cane repeatedly I whacked him. "See can you not how peaceful and calm I am?! Now go away!"

More food meditation chants I tried, "The airplane here comes... Open the hangar... hummmm... the choo choo here comes... open the tunnel... hummm... Know how do you that like it you do not until it you try... hummm... Grow big and strong you will not if eat your beetles you do not... hummm... Many starving children in the world who would love to eat those bantha testicles there are... hummm..."

Making it easy to meditate, Bob the Bantha was not. Yes, still following me around he is. Leave me alone he will not. Kind of sad he seemed today though. Though blind he is and see the food he could not, that bantha bits were on the table he seemed to know. I hope that his "boys" these are not. Stand to eat that part of Bob I could not. Of course, if even Bob still has all of his original parts I know not. Maybe bobbed, Bob has been. Maybe not. Looked down there I have not. In fact, sure I am not that even a "Bob" he is, if what I mean you know.

So my meditation I finished and on my meal I started. Unfortunately, sitting across from me, Solo was. Seen baby chimpanzees with better table manners I have. Making me more nauseous watching him eat was, than having to eat the actual food itself was. What's worse, loving the food he was.

First Course
Not too bad, the scurrier was. Eaten worse things in the Jedi cafeteria I have. At least identify what I was eating I could. However, look it in the face before eating it I could not. So its little eyes I covered.

Having no problem with it, Solo was. Licking his fingers after he had finished, he was. Then, his teeth he picked with the tail. "Those little scurrier fingers get stuck in your teeth real easy. How do my teeth look? Any scurrier meat stuck in them?"

Second Course
Harder this was. Every time that into one I bit, the little screams from all the beetles still in the bowl I could hear. "Uncle Louie, no!" Kind of a downer that was.

Making it worse, trying to crawl back out of my stomach, some of them were. Every time I felt them crawling up, start to rise to the surface my stomach juices would. Shut my mouth and swallow hard I would.

Solo. Still no problems Solo was having. Face-down in his bowl like a dog, he was.


slurp "Yeah?"

"A beetle leg on your face there is. No other side. There, it you got."

After the last beetle Solo had eaten, up to his face he brought the bowl so that slurp all the broth he could. Another gag I had watching him do that.

Third Course
Lived you have not until Spice Ronto intestines you have tried. Then wish you were dead you will. Chewy it was. Chewy, gummy, and gooey it was. Making it worse, started a fist-fight with each other, two of the beetles in my stomach had.

I gagged. Close your teeth, breathe through your nose you must, I told myself. It worked.

Then, right next to me, Bob the Bantha decided to sit. But turned to me his back was, so that right against my face, his butt was. Smell too pleasant, a banthas hiney does not, tell you let me.

Again I gagged. Think happy thoughts I must! I told myself. Happy thoughts! About the many ways I could smite down Dooku I thought. Happy that made me. But still on the verge of gagging I was.

At Solo I looked. A mistake that was. Chewing with his mouth wide open he was. A disturbing sight, chewed up Ronto intestines are, take my word for it you can.

Hard I gagged this time. Up into my mouth, it got. But my mouth I kept closed, then the whole mess I swallowed. My proudest moment this was not.

"Hey, are you alright, there, Pops? You look, well, greener." Finished the intestines Solo had. Starting the bantha testicles he was.

"Having a hard time with these intestines I am."

"Yeah? I thought they were terrific. Not as good as these testicles, though. In fact, I think they kind of taste like pickles."

"No!!!!!!!!" I yelled. But too late it was.

"Wuawwwww!!!!!!" Phblittttttttt!!!!!!!

Right... on... my... face... it was. More than I could take, it was. Badly my eyes stung. Involuntarily choking I started. For air I gasped, but only the funk I breathed in. To my face, all of my blood rushed. Feel the hot juices eat through my esophagus as up from my stomach they rose in a huge volcanic explosion that burst past my mouth, I could. When done I was, even dripping from my nose it was.

Awhile for my vision to return it took. When stinging my eyes finally stopped, at Solo I looked. Blurry he was, but see I could that frowning at me he was. My eyes I wiped so that see more clearly I could. All over his face, my meal was. Well, at least from this something good came.


Blogger JawaJuice said...

Just as long as Han doesn't start eating your portion, we're okay.

7:41 AM, October 02, 2005  
Blogger JawaJuice said...

Also, don't forget to vote.

7:52 AM, October 02, 2005  
Blogger flu said...

I'm telling ya, after this is over, you'll be able to make a killing on ebay with that FOC Bantha.

6:46 AM, October 03, 2005  

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