Friday, October 28, 2005

Yoda: Why Win This Thing I Should

Before the jury I stood. Tell them why win this contest I should, I was about to.

"Hello. Win why should I? The million credit question that is. Very simple the answer is.

"First of all, need the money, Qui-Gon does not. Dead he is! No good it will do him. In his ethereal form, slip through his pockets, the credits will.

"Secondly, very nice to all of you I have been..."

Typho: "Just a minute. What about all those times you called me 'Typo', and 'Typhoid', and 'Tai-Bo', and 'Tidy Bowl', and..."

Yoda: "Well, I.."

Palpatine: "Yes, and let us not forget the time that you stole into our camp in the middle of the night and, eh, 'made a deposit'."

Yoda: "Yes, but..."

Dooku: "That's quite correct, Old Boy. I say, the time you attacked me on the rock cliff wasn't very sporting at all, I'm afraid."

Yoda: "But..."

Young Skywalker: "An what about the time you made me punch my ownself out just cuz I wuz gonna lay the smackdown on Han, yo? Not cool, yo, not cool."

Han: "Hey, yeah, and what about that time you tossed your cookies all over my clothes?"

Jar Jar: "Yeah! An' the time meesa wassen helden prisoner by de bombad Tuskens, don't forgetsa! Yousa coulda setsa meesa freesa! But yousa letten thosa bombad Tuskensa keepen meesa one moresa day! Yodasa supposa beesa meesa friend liken little Ani!"

Young Skywalker: "I ain't your friend, yo."

Yoda: "OK, listen..."

Young Starbucker: "Ohhh, and don't forget me! No sir! Nuh-uh! Not on your life! Not for one minute! I... what was I talking about? Oh yes! Did you think, my little green friend, that I had forgotten the time I was standing on that pole with a bladder stuffed tighter than bicycle pants on Dom DeLuise? Did you help me in my hour of need? Did you spare me some uplifting words of encouragement? Well, did you? Huh? Did you? Hmm? Hmm? No sir! No, instead you subjected me to 87 choruses of 'Splish, Splash, A Shower I Was Taking'! Why, I... the pony! THE PONY! Get it off me! Get it off me!!!"

JawaJuice: "Yeah, and what about that time you left one of your 'presents' in the voting box... and that time you threw Fluke's boot at me when I woke you up?!"

Yoda: "JJ? A member of the jury you are not. The host you are."

JawaJuice: "Oh, uh, yeah. I guess I just got swept up in the spirit of things. Speaking of people who are not part of the jury, there's someone here who would like to address the group."

Just then, walking in to the circle on crutches, a giant spider was. Casts on several of his limbs he had. Also, a brace on his neck there was.

Yoda: "Steve, you that is? Doing here what are you?"

JawaJuice: "It was part of the settlement to the lawsuit. That little squishing incident of yours put the show in kind of a legal bind."

Yoda: "Look, Steve. Mean to hurt you I did not! Even know that you were real, I did not! I..."

Steve Spider: "Hey, don't worry 'bout it, Kid. You were uh, you know, projectin your hostilities on your therapist, know what I mean? We were makin what you would call your major breakthrough. So forgedaboudit."

Yoda: "Very big of you, that is."

Steve Spider: "I do want to say one thing to the group, though. Listen up yous guys. You basically got two types of people. You got your rats, and you got your snakes. Rats - you ain't gotta worry about rats. You can see rats. But snakes - you don't know when they're gonna bite you, know what I mean? They just hide in the grass there, and sneak up on you. Then they attack. My pal Yoda here is a snake. If he were laying on the side of the road, dying of thirst, I wouldn't even stop to give him a drink of water!"

Yoda: "Uh, Steve. I thought that mad you were not. Remember? 'Projecting my hostilities' I was, you said."

Steve Spider: "Yeah, I know. But I got needs too, you know? Sometimes I gotta do my own projectin'. By the way, here's my card. You got an appointment for another session with me for next Tuesday."

Yoda: "An appointment?! Need a shrink I do not!"

JawaJuice: "Sorry, Yoda. That was part of the settlement, too."

Turning out the way I had planned, this was not. Looking good, my chances were not. A time for desparate measures, this was. Outside the circle I walked, and Bob the Bantha I led in so that see him, the group could. Again, I addressed the jury.

"Vote for me you should, because the money I need. You see, dumped on me... uh, I mean given me Bob the Bantha, the producers of this show have. So, a bantha I will have to support. Another mouth to feed, I will have. Very expensive, his upkeep will be. Go through many bags of Purina Bantha Chow, he will. Also, expensive his medical care will be, too. Blind he is. A gas problem he has. A problem with his nerves there is. So really, voting for me you are not. Voting to help this poor, blind, farty bantha, you are."

Very moved by this they seemed not. Even more desparate measures this called for. Bob I turned around so that facing the jury, his hiney was.

"OK, want to do this I did not, but left me no choice you have. A bucket full of Pork n' Beans, Bob just ate!"

A loud gasp the whole crowd let out.

"Right that is! A loaded bantha I have, and afraid to use it, I am not!"

Vote for me they had better. Bluffing I am not.

2 Comments:

Blogger Captain Typho said...

Hmm. That "snake" and "rat" speech seems oddly familiar...

You should've gone with the "three types of people in the world" speech from Team America.

10:41 PM, October 28, 2005  
Blogger Han Solo said...

Young Skywalker: "An what about the time you made me punch my ownself out just cuz I wuz gonna lay the smackdown on Han, yo? Not cool, yo, not cool."

By the way, Yogurt, thanks for that. I owe you one. I'll even take you off the hit lis-nevermind. Let's just say, we're even.

11:07 PM, November 01, 2005  

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