Saturday, October 08, 2005

Yoda: Stupid Fears!

Through the first ring I stepped. At first, surrounded by blackness I was. Then, surrounded by a very bright white light, I was. Actually, an off-white it was. Then, more of a fuschia it turned into. Getting annoying it was.

"Enough with the special effects already!" I yelled.

"Yeah, kind of gets on your nerves, doesn't it?" a voice behind me said.

Around I spun. Sitting comfortably on a chaise lounge and holding a peanut-butter sandwich in one hand, a big, ugly, hairy spider was! Huge it was! Maybe seven feet tall! And talking to me it was! Immediately, a new pair of shorts I required.

"Please, Mr. Spider, bite me do not!" Shaking too much to run, my legs were.

"The name's Steve, Steve Spider. Nice to meet ya." One of his hairy legs he extended to me to shake.

Bring myself to touch it, I could not. "H-h-hello. Yoda my name is."

"Yeah, I know who you are, Yoda ol' buddy. Have a seat." Next to him he gestured. Want to I did not, but too scared not to I was. So down next to him I sat.

"That's better," he said. "Look, I gotta tell ya about this whole biting business. You're blowing it way out of proportion. I don't wanna bite you anymore than you wanna bite me. Uh, you don't want to bite me, do you?"

"N-n-no, want to b-b-bite you, I do not."

"Good. Just checkin'. You know how it is. You get all kinds of weirdos in this ring of fear thingy."

"So, want to bite me you do not?"

"No, of course not! Look, we spiders, we don't even like how people taste. I mean, if I could go my whole life without biting anybody, I would. Know what I mean? Of course, there's a couple of bad apples that give the rest of us spiders a bad reputation. You know, goin' around, just biting people all willy-nilly. But most of us, we're nothin' like that, I tell ya. I mean nuthin' like that. Most of us? The only way we're going to bite somebody is if we're real scared."

"Scared, spiders get?"

"Oh sure! We're more afraid of you than you are of us!"

"Really? Just something we tell younglings, I thought that was. But, so big you are! Scared of someone like me, how could you be?"

"I'm this big because you made me this big."

"What?"

"Yeah, that's right. In your mind, this is how you usually see us spiders. I mean, I might be really small in real life, but to you I might as well be some big creature right out of them old horror pictures because that's how scared you are. Get it? OK, look. Let me put it this way - right now, I'm this big because that's how afraid you are of me. Understand now?"

"Beginning to understand I am, I think."

"Good. 'Cause if you didn't understand, we'd both be wastin' our time here. Sometimes, I get some real airheads in here, know what I mean? I explain it to 'em. They don't get it. I draw pictures. They don't get it. There was this one lady, I tell ya, I was doin' charades for her and she still wasn't gettin' it. A real airhead, you know? Now that's one lady I did feel like bitin', just for the heck of it. I mean I didn't, you know, bite her. But I sure felt like it, let me tell ya."

"But so scared of us why would spiders be?"

"Think about it. I mean, if I were my real spider size, could I crush you to pieces just by steppin' on ya? Could I kill ya just by rolling on top of ya by accident? Could I destroy your house just by walkin' into it? Well could I? You know, if I was little, like spiders are most of the time?"

"No, do all that you could not."

"That's right. But you could do all that to me, plus a whole bunch more. And that, my friend, is why we spiders is afraid of you people. Get it?"

"Wow. Never thought it of that way I have."

"Don't get me wrong," he said as a bite of his sandwich he took. "I ain't holdin' a grudge or nuthin'. That's just the way it is. Don't mean we have to have bad feelings between us, does it? Say, you want some of my sandwich? It's pretty good."

See I could that peanut-butter it was. "No thank you. I could not."

"Oh that's right. You're afraid of peanut-butter too, ain't ya? Well, maybe it's time for that flash-back now."

"Flash-back?"

"Yeah. You know, a cheasy plot device that will explain your fears in a totally non-creative way? Anyway, let's get this puppy started."

Before me, wavy lines appeared. (A flash-back it is not, if wavy lines there are not.) Then, transported to another time and place we were. A kitchen it was. A youngling sitting at the table there was.

"That little guy look familiar?" Steve asked.

"Yes," I said, "Me that is."

"And the female standin' at the counter makin' sandwiches?"

"My Mommy, that is. Oh no, that day it is, isn't it?"

"Yep, it's exactly that day."

"Bear to watch, I can not."

"Sure you can. Besides, you ain't gotta choice. You're here to face your fears, remember?"

To watch the scene, we both turned. Making sandwiches, the female finished. One to the youngling she gave. Eating it quickly, 'mini-me' started. Then, suddenly he stopped. At his sandwich he stared.

"Found it he has. The spider in his sandwich he sees." I said aloud.

"Yeah, but look at him," Steve said, "Does he look too scared to you?"

"No, more grossed out he is." Surprised I was at this.

Finally, my younger self spoke. "Eww, yucky. Mommy, a dead spider in my sandwich there is."

Around the female spun. Angry she looked. "Eat it!"

"But mommy..."

"Going to eat that sandwich you are!" Getting louder with every word, her voice was. "Tired of how ungrateful you are, I am. Very hard at my job just to provide for you and your brothers and sisters I work. Then come home and wait on you kids hand and foot I have to. Tired of your drama I am! Going to eat that sandwich you are!"

One of his hairy legs, Steve put around my shoulders. "She used to yell at you a lot?"

"All the time she did not. Only when stressed out she was. Or when annoyed she was. Or when busy she was. Or when awake she was."

"How'd it make you feel when she yelled at you like that?"

"Upset I would be. Very hard to be a good little boy I tried. But no pleasing her there was."

"The little guy, he looks pretty scared now, doesn't he?"

"Yes, the first time she yelled at me like that, this was. Many times after this, there would be. But the first time this was."

"Do you think that maybe when you see a spider, you're not really afraid of him, but what you're really afraid of is being yelled at by your Mom?"

"Yes, yes, perfect sense that makes to me! Really good at this you are!"

"Yeah, I know. Let's go sit back down."

Soon, back where we were before, we were. A long time, Steve and I talked. A good guy he is. It turns out, a fan of Dolly Parton he is too. Very well, we got along. A bite of his sandwich he offered me again.

"I think you're ready to try this now." Half of his peanut-butter sandwich he tore off and gave to me.

A bite out of it I took. Very good it tasted. So free, I felt.

"So," Steve asked, "how is it?"

"Goog," I said, "Bug ig sgigging to the gop of my moug."

Steve smiled. "You did it, Buddy. Ya faced your fear from the past."

A bright light flashed. On the sand between the rings I found myself.

Through the second ring I stepped. At the grocery store I was, the frozen food aisle. Instinctively, to the ice cream I went and for Ben and Jerry's Chunky Munkey I looked. None on the shelf, there were. To panic, I started.

A stock boy I grabbed. "The Chunky Munkey where is? Some Chunky Munkey I have to have!"

"I'm sorry, sir, but we're out."

"Then call Ben and Jerry's and order more, you must!"

"We can't do that."

"Why?"

"Because they stopped making it. Say could you let go of my neck, now? That's starting to hurt."

"Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!" I yelled. "Stop making this flavor they can not!"

"Pretty attached to that flavor, aren't ya?" Familiar that voice sounded.

Around I turned, and there Steve was! Only much smaller he was this time. Almost my height, he was.

"Steve, smaller you are."

"Well, you ain't so afraid of me no more. Anyway, you look pretty upset. What's wrong?"

"Out of Chunky Munkey they are. And stopped making it they have! My worst mightmare this is! Know what I am going to do, I do not! Afraid this would happen I was."

"Why do you think you like that flavor so much?"

"Know I do not. Because very good it is, I guess."

"Really? Is it much better than Phish Food? Everything But The...? Chubby Hubby? How about Cherry Garcia? Is it better than Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough? Fossil Fuel? Karamel Sutra? What about Marsha Marsha Marshmellow, or Dublin Mudslide?"

"No, better than those flavors it is not, I guess."

"Would you be so upset if they cancelled one of those?"

"No. Go on my life would."

"Then why are you so afraid of them cancelling this flavor? What's so special about Chunky Munky that you've stock-piled over a hundred pints of it in that big deep freeze down in the Temple basement?"

"Know I do not."

"Think back. Think back to that day with your mom. What did you do that night?"

"Well, some ice cream I got myself, and then a bowl of it I ate."

"Do you remember what flavor it was?"

"Let's see... oh, wow. Remember now I do. Very similar to Chunky Munky it was. Yes."

"But that ain't the only time you ate that flavor, was it?"

"No. Every time my Mommy yelled at me, eat some of it I would."

"Did it make you feel better?"

"Yes. I see. Saying you are that because with Chunky Munkey I comfort myself, so afraid I am that they might cancel this flavor, the reason is?"

"Nope. You said it. And you're absolutely right."

"Wow. Really, really good at this you are."

"Thanks. Say, it looks like there's a pint of Chunky Munkey you overlooked right there."

"Alright that is. Need it any longer I do not."

Another bright flash. Again on the sand I was. Through the the third and final ring I stepped.

In one of the many trailer parks on Tatooine, I was. In a really messy yard in front of one of the trailers I was standing. A couple of old air speeders sitting on blocks, there were. Also, an old water heater and toilet with plants growing out of it, there were. On the steps of the trailer, an old fat drunk spitting out his chewing tobacco, was sitting. Take me long to realize who he was it did not.

"Kenobi," I said, "you that is?"

Recognize him I could. Even though old he was, a mullet under his NASCAR hat, he was sporting. Wearing one of those "wife-beater" shirts and old cut-off jeans, he was. Up he looked at me and coughed. Out of his mouth a large orange cloud of Cheeto dust came. "Hey there, Master."

"Just like you pictured him, isn't it?" A tiny voice said.

"Say that who did?" I asked.

"Down here, Yoda! It's me, Steve!"

Down I looked. There he was. Steve. But this time, the size of a regular spider he was. Psycho-analyzing me again, he started.

"You're pretty afraid Obi-Wan will turn out this way, aren't ya?"

"Yes. About this all the time I worry."

"That's why you're so rough on him, isn't it?"

"Yes. Want him to turn out like this I do not."

"You don't worry as much about the other Jedi, do you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Like a son, Kenobi is to me."

"Have you told him that?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I.. I know not. Tell him that I can not."

"Did your Mom ever tell you stuff like that?"

"No. But need to she did not. How she felt about us kids we all knew."

"But it would've been nice to hear it, wouldn't it have?"

"Yes. It would have been I guess."

"Do you think maybe that's why you don't know how to say things like that to other people?"

"Maybe."

"And maybe that's why you're kind of rough with people in general. Because that's the only way you know how to relate to others?"

"It could be, yes."

"Don't you think you should tell Kenobi... gack!"

On Steve I stepped. Getting annoying he was. Driving me crazy, all of this Psychology was.

Over to Kenobi I walked. "Kenobi, something to tell you I have."

Burp! "Yeah, what is it?"

"Lean closer you must."

"OK, what do ya want to tell me... OUCH!"

With my cane I wacked him. "Doofus!"

Suddenly, another flash of bright light there was. Back on the sand I found myself. Waiting for me, JJ was.

"So, what was it like?"

"Very interesting," I said, "...but stupid."

Friday, October 07, 2005

Starbucker: I may have whizzed myself

JJ: "You may bring your weapons...but you will not need them.

So…if there are no questions….?

Then let’s begin.

Go."

FLUKE; (to self) "Fears huh? I hope they're rational. At least no one else will know what lurks inside everyone else's ring... I hope. I'm taking my lightsabre anyhoo - ju-ust c-c-cause. uh...what am I stammering for? I got nothing to worry about..." *gulp*

Fluke steps into the first ring. All grows dark. There are noises in the distance.... gurgly, sloshy, liquid noises. A faint light grows in front of him, revealing a door in the distance. He hears a faint cry for help from beyond the door...

FLUKE: "Odd. I like helping people... this isn't scary."

Fluke begins sprinting toward the door, and as he runs - the cries grow louder, but the distance to the door seems to increase. He runs harder. The cries seem to be muffled by liquid. The gurgling sounds drown out the cries. He runs harder, but the distance continues to seem to expand in front of him. He determines to run faster and faster to overcome the strange perception. He closes his eyes, and runs with all his might...within a second of having his eyes closed...

WHACK!

He runs smack into the door and falls. The cries are as urgent as ever beyond the door. He grasps the knob and turns... and turns... and turns... and turns...

FLUKE: "Well, this is as frustrating as all get out..."

Finally the door opens into him, knocking him backwards. He gets up, and without a second thought is through the door. It's a bathroom. A gurgling toilet sits in the corner. Oddly, the toilet is where the cries for help are coming...Gurgle, gurgle... hack, cough, gurgle...HELP!

TOILET: "Help me *gurgle*... I'm clogged... *hack*... Wookies have been here...*Wheeze*... Ack, ptooey... HELP!!"

Free Image Hosting - www.supload.com
*this dramatic visual representation has been cleaned up for the benefit of the viewing audience.


FLUKE (to self - now in a panic) "OMG! I remember having this nightmare when I was a wee kiddo... Oh, NO! This means I'm a..."

Free Image Hosting - www.supload.com
"Nooooooooooooooooooo!"


Fluke defies gravity and his own will and gets plunged over and over and over countless times. He tries and tries to shut his mouth as he continues to get plunged over and over and over, but because he's now a sturdy, rubber plunger, he cannot...

... finally after what seems to be countless hours of the torture, he is tossed back out of the bathroom, and lands in sand, outside ring one.


JJ: "Wow Fluke, you're completely soaked with sweat! That must've been some intense fear!"

Fluke, still shuddering from the experience, sobs quietly...moments pass and he asks JJ which ring is next. JJ points to the second ring. Fluke closes his eyes and jumps in...

...this time he is greeted by a computer in a nice office. The office is centered between a cubicle farm to one side, and a large production-type area on the other. There is much tapping and busy-work going on all around. He sits down and looks at it. It's screen is riddled with many amazing game icons. He touches the mouse, it responds wonderfully. He moves it to double click on an icon. His heart sinks as he's greeted with a BSOD... he begins to freak out, because he senses the computer is necessary for the operations to run smoothly at this place...


Free Image Hosting - www.supload.com
This is more how Fluke feels - not how he looks

Suddenly, a head pops into the doorway

EXTRA: "HEy, we need those sales reports for the Q3 presentation in ten minutes! OH, BTW, the VP is here with a few members of the Board of Directors!... Hey, what did you do to your computer?"

FLUKE: "Oh, uh... Nothing, it's all under control. Fix the VP some coffee, I'll have the presentation completed in 10, thanks so much, buh-bye, get out."

Fluke begins re-booting, he notices the extra continuing to stand at the door

FLUKE: "C'mon - chop, chop! Go away."

the extra exits, and Fluke begins a start-up sequence... but then...

Image hosted by TinyPic.com

Whirrrr-irrrr-irrr, KABLOOEY!

Fluke panics

FLUKE: "AAAAUGHHH!"

He turns on a soldering iron, and begins picking up some pieces. He mutters to himself...

FLUKE: "Oh, crap, crappy, crapens, crapola, crap-o-la!"

He picks up the main circuit board and clamps it into a holder to begin studying it... He swigs on the stale, cold coffee in the dusty cup at the corner of the desk.

FLUKE: "Eeeeewwwwwyuck!" *shudder* "OK, I can fix this... I'm a technical guru."

He studies the board... something bothers him about it... it doesn't seem right... he searches his desk for a magnifying glass... precious moments pass... he finds one and peers through it..."

FLUKE: "WTH?"

Free Image Hosting - www.supload.com
Never seen a card quite like this one...

FLUKE: "This is madness!"

At that point the extra from earlier in the scene re-appears at the door...

EXTRA: "OK, he's on his second cup of coffee, our three engineering departments from overseas are on-line witht he teleconference, and you're presentation is next on the docket."

Fluke calmly stands. He takes one long final draw from the cold, dusty coffe mug on the desk, getting the grounds from the bottom of the cup all in his teeth. He chokes down the last swallow with a grimace...

FLUKE: "Let's
rock"

He makes the presentation of a lifetime using flip charts, whiteboards, and scale models made on the spot using popsicle sticks. He gripes defiantly about the cuts in budgets and demeans the shoddy equipment that the tightwad VP forces him to rely on - blaming them squarely on the absense of the PowerPoint he was intending to use for that very presentation. He sweats, he curses, he gloats, he scratches where it itches when it itches without regard to who might see, and he ends up impressing the hell out of the VP, who realizes the error of his ways and offers his own corner office to Fluke.

Then suddenly, Fluke is back in the sand.


JJ: "Hey, Fluke, you seems to be making good time. Just one more ring to go... Future fear. Get in there..."

He shoves Fluke in as Fluke starts to say something...

FLUKE: "But wai....ahhhh!"

Fluke is again greeted by darkness. His eyes adjust and he sees he is in yet another hallway. This one has a dim light at the end, and a door on either side of the hallway just about in the middle length-wise. He beings walking in the direction of the doors. All is deathly silent.

As he approaches the doors in the middle, he is tempted to open them, but decides better of it, and then decides it best to continue on to the door at the end.

The hallway is long, but it does not appear to grow longer as the first one did.

At the very moment he is directly between the doors on either side of the hallway, the one on the right creaks open slowly.

Fluke stops dead in his tracks...

Silence continues to fill the air.

Curiousity gets the best of him, and he moves to peer inside...

A lightsabre ignites inside!


Free Image Hosting - www.supload.com
Oh, CRAP! Anakin!... and he looks PISSED!

FLUKE: (stammering) "I uh, ba... wha.... I .. it's no....wha? ... uh...."

Anankin approaches the door, lightsabre drawn. Fluke reaches for his lightsabre, but it's not on his side any longer.

Fluke goes to shut the door as Anakin lops off his left hand. Fluke shrieks and begins backing up.
.

FLUKE: "I didn't see nothing! I'm innocent! I'm defenseless! I'm completely unarmed!"

Anakin continues approaching him slowly...

ANAKIN: "You're gonna be, yo."

Fluke reaches for the door across the hall with his one good hand, opens it, and jumps in.

This isn't a room at all - it leads outdoors, and Fluke himself feels different as he goes through the door. As he strides, he feels as if he's gliding, or leaping... and covering great distances as he goes. Soon, he finds himself face to face with an unusual creature...


Free Image Hosting - www.supload.com
If he ribbets, would his eye fall out?

CREATURE: (Speaking carefully, in frog subtitles) "You're doomed, little froggy. That big masked, caped toad is coming after you."

Fluke looks back to see a toad with a oddly familiar helmet on, appearing and disappearing in and out of the grass as it hops closer and closer

FLUKE: (in little froggy subtitles) "Jumpin Jehosiphat! Where do I go, what do I do?"

The unusual creature gestures in a direction, Fluke takes off. He leaps and bounds with all his might, hardly slowed by his missing hand.

FLUKE: (to self in froggy subtitles) "Oh, gosh, I gotta get outta here. I hafta locate an exit."

He makes an incredible jump onto a very tall flower that has not yet blossomed, hoping to be able to see a great distance from it's height. It bends under his weight, and he dangles precariously from the end of it. He realizes he is now suspended over a seemingly bottomless pit. There is no escape as the masked toad begins walking up the bent stalk toward him.

DARTH TOAD: (in Darth Toad subtitles) "There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the pond."

FLUKE: (In froggy subtitles) "This is flippin' insane... and I'll never join you!

DARTH TOAD: (Toad Subtitles) "If you only knew the power of the dark side. The old croaker at the lilly pad never told you what happened to your father."

FLUKE: (frogspeak) "He told me enough! No-Wait! What are you talking about?!?!?"

DARTH TOAD: (Toadtalk) "I am your father."

Shocked, Fluke looks at the lumpy toad in disbelief

FLUKE: (as before) "No. No. That's not true! That's impossible!"

DARTH TOAD: (yep) "Search your feelings. You know it to be true."

FLUKE: (...) "No! No! No!"

DARTH TOAD: () "Fluke. You can destroy the Bullfrog. He has foreseen this. It is your destiny. Join me, and we can rule the pond as father and son. Come with me. It's the only way."

Free Image Hosting - www.supload.com
Between a rock and a hard place

The toad holds his hand out to Fluke. A calm comes over Fluke, and he makes a decision. In the next instant he releases his grip that was keeping him from falling. The Dark, Fly Eating Lord looks under the bud and sees Fluke falling far below. The wind begins to blow at his's cape and the torrent finally forces him back down the stem, and into the grass. The wind soon fades and Fluke the wounded froggy drops fast, unable to grab onto anything to break his fall.
...and he lands, in human form, unharmed, in the sand outside the third ring... and then he assumes a fetal position... and sucks his thumb while weeping softly for the next 20 minutes as JJ looks on...


Starbucker Out.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Challenge #11: The Three Rings of Fear!

Welcome Survivors.

It’s been a long road to get here, but you’re almost done. You …are the final four.

That doesn’t mean we’re going to let up on you. Today’s challenge may be the toughest challenge of the whole game.









Do you see these ancient, mystical rings behind me? These are what are known as Force Rings. Not be be mistaken by McDooku's Super-Sized onion rings...although I must admit, they do look awfully similar. By stepping through them you are suddenly transported to another place and another time. There, everything will look and feel very real to you. There you must confront your fears. You will have three rings to walk through before you are done. The first ring you must confront a personal fear from your past…the second ring you will confront a personal fear from the present…the third ring you will confront an unforeseen fear of your future.

Each person’s experience will be unique, for these fears come from deep inside of you. You may not even be aware of some of them, they may have laid hidden deep within you…until now.

Your objective is to go through each of those rings…and successfully face your fears. Only when you have successfully conquered them…what ever they may be…will the next ring appear for you to go through. The first person to exit all three rings wins immunity.

You may bring your weapons...but you will not need them.

So…if there are no questions….?

Then let’s begin.

Go.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Tribal Council #10

J.J.: Welcome back to tribal council. At least this time I can say that you guys are at least well fed.

Some low nauseating grumbles echo across the council area, except for Han.

Han: Darn right. When’s dinner?

J.J.: Eh….that’s it Han. The rest of your meals you’re gonna have to forage on your own.

Han looks a little shocked

Han: Yeah but…what about the leftovers…there’s gotta be some leftover I can…we can have, right?

J.J. shakes his head no. Han looks down, dejected. The others, a grateful sigh.

J.J.: Okay, now to the matter at hand; the vote. As you know, Han won and is therefore immune to tonight’s voting. It’s time to vote.

After everyone scratches down and name and puts it in the canister, J.J. walks over and starts the reading of the votes.






First vote…………..Dooku









Next……………..Dooku







…………………Fluke






…………………Fluke








Last vote………………






……………..Yoda. Once more we have a tie. I will now randomly pick a name between Fluke and Dooku.






11th person to be voted off Survivor: Tatooine……………….









……..Count Dooku.











Dooku….the tribe has spoken.

Once again, amazingly Fluke has dodged another bullet. We’re down to the final four now…let’s see how long that luck holds out. The next challenge is tomorrow. You can head back to camp.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Han: Appetite

Another week, another challenge.

J.J. led us out to the site. Before we got there, I could already smell it: like a wet wookie, in a small room, vomiting fish.
Han: J.J., what's this?
J.J.: It's a cookout.
Food? FOOD?!?

I was so hungry...words cannot describe it. My stomach had long since stopped growling, and now just gave the occasional weak whimper. There was this tasty rock I'd had my eye on back at the cave. It looked like a loaf of bread. I'd been saving it for a special occasion. Looks like I can save it for a while longer.

When we got to the site, I saw quite the spread. A full four-course meal! The smell was even stronger here, and my stomach was starting to wake up and rumble.
J.J.: Are you ready? Then....dig in.
Well, he didn't have to tell me twice!

First up was the appetizer, a crispy fried scurrier. I swear, they must have given me the smallest one. It barely made a dent in my hunger! In fact, it probably just made me hungrier. I wished I had thought to bring a mirror though. It felt like I had scurrier pieces in my teeth, and I had no way to check.

Fluke got sick at this point, and they took the rest of his food away. What a waste!

I asked for another scurrier and J.J. told me that we only got one serving of each course. Tch! Lousy cheapskates. Well, I didn't pay for it, so I guess I didn't get a say.

Second up was the soup, curry beetle. Just like Chewie used to make! With live beetles and everything! Oh, glory day! I tried using the spoon they gave us, but it was taking me too long so I just stuck my face in the bowl and gulped them down. Get in my belly! I could feel them wriggling! I drank the broth, but it looked to me like I was the only one. Everyone else was just eating the beetles. Fools! The broth is the best part!

Qui-Gon tripped out at this point. I wonder what got into him?

Third up was the main course, spice ronto intestines. You haven't lived until you've tried spice ronto intestines. Then you'll think you've died and gone to heaven. Actually, these intestines weren't the best I'd ever had. Don't get me wrong, they were good, and filling, but I've had better. I don't know. Maybe not enough bantha urine.

Finally, fourth up was the dessert, chilled bantha testicles. What a treat! When I was growing up, my foster parents used to make the greatest Testosteroni (the Correlian treat! Just add testicles!), very similar to these bantha testicles.

Whew! Delicious! My compliments to the chef! I looked around the table. Dooku hadn't started dessert yet, and Yoda was still working on the main course.

Thinking Dooku might be full, I asked him if he was going to eat dessert.
Dooku: Would you like mine? Please, help yourself!
What a great guy! Sure, he's screwed me over before (the Dune Sea surfing race comes to mind), but on the other hand, he gave me food. That counts for a lot in my book.
Dooku: J.J., look! As you can clearly see, I've finished all four courses.
J.J.: I was standing right here! I saw you switch plates with Han!
Dooku: (shrug and a smile) What can I say? I can't fight my nature.
Yoda was STILL struggling with the main course. I tried encouraging him, but about then Yoda had once of the worst cases of flatulence I've ever witnessed (of course, he blamed his pet bantha. SURE, Yoda). And then he got sick (I wonder if some sort of flu is going around?), all over the table and all over me!

I was disgusted. Some Jedi Master! Wasting food like that...it's despicable! He better hope I can get this mess off of me, otherwise I'm going to smell like partially digested intestines for the next few weeks. And we live in a small cave. With no ventilation.

Anyway, at least I got a meal out of it.
Han: (pushing away from the table) J.J., that was one awesome treat. So, what's today's challenge going to be?