Saturday, October 29, 2005

Han: Needs To Know

Question 1: Let's say you've been stranded in the past for some reason. For example, you went back in time trying to find out the truth about your father, but there was an accident, and you lost your flux capacitor, blah blah blah. Point is, you can't go home again. What do you do? Do you give up hope of ever reaching your own time again, and try to enjoy the golden age you've found yourself in, even knowing it won't last? Or do you keep on truckin', and try and try to find another way?

Question 2: Let's say you've been on a reality show, and the prize is a hefty sum of credits. And, you really REALLY need those credits. However, you got voted off close to the final round. For the purposes of this question, let's assume you were one of four final contestants, and you had two votes against you. Do you still hunt down and kill all three other contestants, even though one of them is surely innocent?

Question 3: What's a Nubian?

Question 4: Have you guys seen my keys? I think I left them in the cave, but they won't let me go check. Could you look around the couch or something?

Friday, October 28, 2005

Yoda: Why Win This Thing I Should

Before the jury I stood. Tell them why win this contest I should, I was about to.

"Hello. Win why should I? The million credit question that is. Very simple the answer is.

"First of all, need the money, Qui-Gon does not. Dead he is! No good it will do him. In his ethereal form, slip through his pockets, the credits will.

"Secondly, very nice to all of you I have been..."

Typho: "Just a minute. What about all those times you called me 'Typo', and 'Typhoid', and 'Tai-Bo', and 'Tidy Bowl', and..."

Yoda: "Well, I.."

Palpatine: "Yes, and let us not forget the time that you stole into our camp in the middle of the night and, eh, 'made a deposit'."

Yoda: "Yes, but..."

Dooku: "That's quite correct, Old Boy. I say, the time you attacked me on the rock cliff wasn't very sporting at all, I'm afraid."

Yoda: "But..."

Young Skywalker: "An what about the time you made me punch my ownself out just cuz I wuz gonna lay the smackdown on Han, yo? Not cool, yo, not cool."

Han: "Hey, yeah, and what about that time you tossed your cookies all over my clothes?"

Jar Jar: "Yeah! An' the time meesa wassen helden prisoner by de bombad Tuskens, don't forgetsa! Yousa coulda setsa meesa freesa! But yousa letten thosa bombad Tuskensa keepen meesa one moresa day! Yodasa supposa beesa meesa friend liken little Ani!"

Young Skywalker: "I ain't your friend, yo."

Yoda: "OK, listen..."

Young Starbucker: "Ohhh, and don't forget me! No sir! Nuh-uh! Not on your life! Not for one minute! I... what was I talking about? Oh yes! Did you think, my little green friend, that I had forgotten the time I was standing on that pole with a bladder stuffed tighter than bicycle pants on Dom DeLuise? Did you help me in my hour of need? Did you spare me some uplifting words of encouragement? Well, did you? Huh? Did you? Hmm? Hmm? No sir! No, instead you subjected me to 87 choruses of 'Splish, Splash, A Shower I Was Taking'! Why, I... the pony! THE PONY! Get it off me! Get it off me!!!"

JawaJuice: "Yeah, and what about that time you left one of your 'presents' in the voting box... and that time you threw Fluke's boot at me when I woke you up?!"

Yoda: "JJ? A member of the jury you are not. The host you are."

JawaJuice: "Oh, uh, yeah. I guess I just got swept up in the spirit of things. Speaking of people who are not part of the jury, there's someone here who would like to address the group."

Just then, walking in to the circle on crutches, a giant spider was. Casts on several of his limbs he had. Also, a brace on his neck there was.

Yoda: "Steve, you that is? Doing here what are you?"

JawaJuice: "It was part of the settlement to the lawsuit. That little squishing incident of yours put the show in kind of a legal bind."

Yoda: "Look, Steve. Mean to hurt you I did not! Even know that you were real, I did not! I..."

Steve Spider: "Hey, don't worry 'bout it, Kid. You were uh, you know, projectin your hostilities on your therapist, know what I mean? We were makin what you would call your major breakthrough. So forgedaboudit."

Yoda: "Very big of you, that is."

Steve Spider: "I do want to say one thing to the group, though. Listen up yous guys. You basically got two types of people. You got your rats, and you got your snakes. Rats - you ain't gotta worry about rats. You can see rats. But snakes - you don't know when they're gonna bite you, know what I mean? They just hide in the grass there, and sneak up on you. Then they attack. My pal Yoda here is a snake. If he were laying on the side of the road, dying of thirst, I wouldn't even stop to give him a drink of water!"

Yoda: "Uh, Steve. I thought that mad you were not. Remember? 'Projecting my hostilities' I was, you said."

Steve Spider: "Yeah, I know. But I got needs too, you know? Sometimes I gotta do my own projectin'. By the way, here's my card. You got an appointment for another session with me for next Tuesday."

Yoda: "An appointment?! Need a shrink I do not!"

JawaJuice: "Sorry, Yoda. That was part of the settlement, too."

Turning out the way I had planned, this was not. Looking good, my chances were not. A time for desparate measures, this was. Outside the circle I walked, and Bob the Bantha I led in so that see him, the group could. Again, I addressed the jury.

"Vote for me you should, because the money I need. You see, dumped on me... uh, I mean given me Bob the Bantha, the producers of this show have. So, a bantha I will have to support. Another mouth to feed, I will have. Very expensive, his upkeep will be. Go through many bags of Purina Bantha Chow, he will. Also, expensive his medical care will be, too. Blind he is. A gas problem he has. A problem with his nerves there is. So really, voting for me you are not. Voting to help this poor, blind, farty bantha, you are."

Very moved by this they seemed not. Even more desparate measures this called for. Bob I turned around so that facing the jury, his hiney was.

"OK, want to do this I did not, but left me no choice you have. A bucket full of Pork n' Beans, Bob just ate!"

A loud gasp the whole crowd let out.

"Right that is! A loaded bantha I have, and afraid to use it, I am not!"

Vote for me they had better. Bluffing I am not.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Grievous: Cheques payable to...

Well, I'm back... after a long time away. Yes, you do know me - I was here at the beginning. I have three questions and a statement for you:

Question One:
If you win, what will you spend the prize on, will it help the Republic in the War effort?

Question Two:
Why should you win?

Question Three:
Do you want to get off Tatooine?

If bribes are not considered wrong by you, you can make a cheque out to:

General Grievous,
Room 1,
The Invisible Hand,
Somewhere in the Universe

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Anakin: Quiz Show!

Anakin sulks into camera range. "Din't want to come back to this whacked planet... third time now, yo," he is muttering.

"Okay, ya'll," he says, finally realizing that he isn't there to simply pout. "Questions for ya. Cause, you know, fate of the giz-ame an all that. So first of all, when do I get to be a mizaster? I mean, shuh, I'm all powerful an spit and ya'll..." (he points at Yoda) "keep holdin me back. So that's my first question, yo.

"Second question... if you could be any tree in the forest, what kind of tree would you be? An... what're the main planets in the Republic an their capitals in Huttese-alphabetical order?"

He smirks at the camera and walks away.

Qui-Gon : To Answer Typho's Questions...

“First question: I’d like each of you to tell me why I should vote for you and not your opponent."
*thinks long and hard* This is a tough one.
Seriously. I can't, like, think of anything that would be, like, cool to say. I mean, this is Master Yoda. I can't be mean to the guy that, like, took over my training after Dooku switched sides. He was the one who, like, cut my Padawan braid. Sometimes he has to show us tough love so that we, like, learn.
So yeah...
Why to vote for me?
Because Master Yoda has his eye on your Diet Pepsi, man.

“Second question: If both of you had been voted off earlier, which two other contestants would you have liked to see in the final round – and why?”
As for, like, the two that I'd, like, like to see here instead, I'd love to see Fluke take on Dooku. Fluke just has this way with, like, dealing with him. He's all like "DOOKU! You are DOOKU!" I can't, like, do it, but, like, you know. It's really, like, funny, man.
Choosing Dooku, man. I'm sorry. He's, like, my former Master, man. He's all prim and proper, and like, wicked evil, but I remember the, like, days that we were, like, cool with each other. The touring and the training and the crumpets, man. He went bad, but I can't, like, hold a grudge. I still, like, think some where deep inside, the noble Lord von Kikaz still exists.
I just, like, want to see them face off, Master of the Spores and Master of Prim and Proper way to kick some butt, man.
That'd be, like, far out.
But no, like, sparring. Too violent. They could play chess. Or Tiddlywinks. Dooks was a master of Charades, man.
Thing is, Fluke'd win, man. The Dark Side can't, like, win this gig, man. Then, like, all the little kids that, like, are addicted to the programme think that, like, evil is cool because good is dumb. Sorry, Dooks, but you have to know that, like, bad guys usually don't get happy endings. It's, like, in the fine print.

Palpatine: Jury Member #2

Palpatine steps up to the podium. He turns to slowly review the assembled jury.

Those that voted him off…..

Those that betrayed him……

Treachery and deceit fills the air ……

As much as they like to sit on their high moral ground…the Jedi…Senators…assorted species… they would all make good Sith.

…if they could only be turned?

J.J. speaks, “uh, chancellor? Do you have any questions?”

I collect myself.

“I will ask you both the same two questions. Two shall be the count, and the count shall be two. I shall not stop at one, nor shall I continue to three. Two is the correct number of questions, and the questions shall be two. FOUR is right out…”

“Chancellor!” J.J. admonishes me.

“Sorry.” I collect myself again.

Other members of the jury look at each other questioning my sanity…as they should.

“Master Yoda. Master Qui-Gon. Congratulations on your arriving at this point in the game. I am sure that neither of you have done anything to your teammates that you should be ashamed of, hmm?” I give them a pointed look.

Other members of the jury continue to look at each other questioning my sanity…as they should.

“First question. I am thinking of a number between 1 and 100. Name it.”

“Second question. What is the airspeed velocity of an un-laden swallow? And don’t say African or European, because we ALL know we are on Tatooine and there are no swallows here. I am specifically referring to a swallow on Kashykk.”

Typho: Runaway Jury

Typho looks at the other members of the jury.

Hmm. It looks like everyone’s waiting for someone else to get this started.

He stands and addresses Yoda and Qui-Gon.

“Congratulations on making it to the final round,” Typho says. “I can’t say that I’m that surprised to see who made it to the end.”

He pauses for a moment, then says, “First question: I’d like each of you to tell me why I should vote for you and not your opponent.

“Second question: If both of you had been voted off earlier, which two other contestants would you have liked to see in the final round – and why?

Typho awaits their answers.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Trial of the Two!

Master Yoda…Master Qui-Gon…welcome to your final tribal council.

It’s been a long game and now it comes down to just you two.

This week, each of you will need to post a statement as to why you think you deserve to win and thus the million credits. This is your chance to put forth your reasons for the rest of the audience as well as all those who will be voting for you.

Also, this week is also open to the entire past Survivor: Tatooine contestants who wish to participate. Any one of you may post this week to ask our two remaining people any questions of them that you that you can think of. This is your opportunity to get into the minds of our finalist because in the end, you will be voting for one of these two people to win. Ask them anything. What will they do with the money? Why do they deserve to win? What would they do differently? What underwear to they prefer? Anything at all.

If any of the past Survivors post a question, it is up to both Yoda and Qui-Gon to answer the questions in the comments area as best as they can.

All of you will have a week to do this. By next Monday morning, the actually vote will commence. The vote will be open to all the Star Wars United Forum members, giving an opportunity for everyone who has been following this game a chance to participate. But more on the vote next Monday. Right now, it’s time for Yoda and Qui-Gon to state their plea and answer questions from their former tribe mates.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Qui-Gon : Yours and Mine

The cave only held two figures, as opposed to the group that once dwelt there. The two mulled around, picking through the remains of the camp. There was a smouldering ring, where the nightly fire kept the team-mates warm and the predators away. In nearly every corner, there were small spots that resembled nests, light beds consisting of scraps of cloth and dewback hide. The cooling bot hummed from the back corner of the cave, with the small hamster wheel inside squeaking. The big screen holo-vid and the Toshy XXL-Box(R) were off. There were beer cans running up the side of one wall next to an etching of 'Ben was here.' Around the cans, there was an orange haze coating the floor. A single tarnished credit glimmered faintly in the setting suns of Tatooine shining through the entrance.
The spectre, Qui-Gon Jinn, floated around, head hanging low. His face was long and he sighed often.
Master Yoda hobbled around, leaning heavily on his gimer stick, tapping at the remains. He stooped to collect the credit from the ground.

"That's Han's," Qui-Gon said, with a morose tone.
The small master gave a grunt.
"Hmmf, if Han's it were, taken it with him he would have."
The ghost simply nodded. He used a touch of the Force to levitate a piece of Cheeto, covered in the thick mud of the cave. "This was Ben's."
Yoda stopped and shot a glare at Qui-Gon's translucent form. "Then eat it you should, to remember the good times you had." His words were short.
"But it's, like, all mouldy, man."
The living master sighed. "Have I taught you nothing, my former Padawan?" He held out a small hand and drew the item near him. "Attachment to physical objects matter not. The memories, you must treasure."
Qui-Gon looked thoughtful for a moment and his face broke into a smile. "You have taught me well, my Master."
Yoda's face mimicked the shining smile of his companion. "Well then, the big screen holo-vid and the Toshy XXL-Box, you do not want."
The ghost laughed. "They're yours, man. However, like, the dewback blanket is, like, mine. Not for the memories, but, like, for the art-deco value."
Yoda nodded and scooped up a tan poncho lying over a rock.
"Hey, man," Qui-Gon said, pointing a glowing finger in the small masters direction, "You, like, know that's mine."
Yoda tossed it out to the ghost, who caught it in mid-air. "Yours, it is? To use as a snot rag, I was going to." He let out his familiar warm chuckle.
Qui-Gon laughed.
"Hey, since it's, like, our last night, let's, like, get in some more memories of playing that Toshy Box thing."
The warm glow of the large screened holo-vid lit the night, and echoes of laughter as well as video game music rang out through the desert.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Tribal Council #12

“And now it comes down to three. Tonight is the last night of regular tribal council. Yoda, who won the endurance challenge now, has immunity from this nights vote. As a result, Both Qui-Gon and Fluke’s vote cancels each other out, so it is up to Yoda to cast the deciding vote. Yoda…?”

Yoda slowly hobbles over to the voting table with the help of his cane. Slowly he walks over…ever so slowly. The others wait with anticipation and bated breath and trepidation and even the willies. Still Yoda carefully walks over to the voting table…the tip tip tap of his cane echoing off the pre fab stone floor of the mock up runway the producers designed. Tip tip tap….tip tip tap…

An exasperated sigh comes from J.J. “Eh…any time there, Yoda…”

“Patients. Must learn patients. Old I am…need time to think I do too. Very difficult this vote is…most difficult.”

He then started to walk slower while at the same time all of us around the fire could have sworn we heard the little bugger giggling.

Finally he reached the table and grabbed a piece of parchment and a pen. Then he just stood there pen in hand, poised to write a name.

The other two contestants were on pin and needles, crimson and clover, howdy and doodie. Their anxiety was palpable. Not only that, I could begin to feel it too.

Still Yoda just stood there.

“Eh…Master Yoda…um…we don’t have all night you know….Just write down a name.”


“um….Yoda? Are you thinking?”

Still nothing.

I walk over to the voting table. “Master Yoda?”



“Wha-Who where???? Oh…It’s you. What happened?”
”You fell asleep. How could you fall asleep at a tense moment like this? We’re all waiting for your vote!”

“Hummph! Hard to sleep in, the cave is. Very relaxing these torches are. Remind me of candle light dinner with Dolly, they do.”

“That’s all well and good, but you need to write down a name of the person you want voted off.”

“Yes, know this I do. Rush me, do not. For Jedi only, Force wedgies are not. Remember. Old I am. Much time I need to think. Perhaps Alzheimer’s I may have. Sad you would be if true, hmmm? Now step back you must. Write the name…I will now.”

And with pen in hand, Yoda carefully writes a name down and folds the paper up. J.J. quickly picks up the urn with the paper in it and takes it back to the fire pit. Yoda now quickly follows. “Don’t know why I couldn’t just say the name out loud. Faster it would be. More fun to watch person’s dreams shatter before me, it would be too.”

Yoda sits down and J.J. holds up the urn.

“The person voted off tonight will be asked to leave immediately…I’ll now read the vote…”

J.J. grabs the vote and unfolds it.

“………….The fourteenth person to be voted off….”

“…….of Survivor Tatooine……………………”


“……………this person here…………………..”

“……………..who's name is written on this piece of parchment………….”

“………………..which reads………………………”

“………………the name of……………………..”



“Fluke Starbucker….the tribe has spoken.”

“As for the last two, you can head back to camp. You have all tomorrow to pack up everything you want to take with you and say goodbye to your camp in whatever fashion you want to. Then Tuesday come back here to tribal council and I will inform you on your final hurtle and the rules on becoming the sole Survivor. I’ll see you two then. Goodnight.”