Saturday, August 20, 2005

Yoda: A Run For the Border

For some reason, after doing That Which Speak of Ever Again We Shall Not, very hungry I was. Qui-Gon said the "Munchies" I had. Heard of this disease before I had not. To the doctor for my check-up very regularly I go. Pretty sure I am that no diseases I have.

A strange craving for Taco Bell I had. Qui-Gon and I decided that find one we would when to the hotel we got. I knew that one in the resort there must be. A Taco Bell, all fancy places in the Republic have.

But too nice this resort must not have been, because no Taco Bell they had. Hmph! Several blocks away, the nearest Taco Bell was. Well, just float there Qui-Gon could. But very tired my legs were. So to carry me there on his back, I "convinced" a local passerby.

Like this it went:

*Waves hand* "Carry me on your back to Taco Bell you will."

"No way, pal. That's way out of my way. Besides, you look heavy."

*Waves hand again* "Take Yoda to Taco Bell now you will."

"Get lost."

*Wacks local man with cane* "Carry me to Taco Bell you will!"

"Ow! Ok, Ok."

Order much I did not - Three Chalupas, four Gorditas, two Border Bowls, one order of Nachos Bell Grande, two Giant Stuft Burritos, and three orders of Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes. Oh, and one small Diet Pepsi. Watching my figure I am.

After eating, very tired I was. To "crash", as Young Skywalker says, I wanted. A good thing it was that wait for me outside, I made that local man. Otherwise, have to walk all the way back to the hotel myself, I would.

Finally, laying on my bed I was. A coin slot next to the bed I noticed. A credit I slipped in. Suddenly, to shake, the bed started. At first, kind of relaxing it was. But then, queasy I was getting. More violently, the bed shook! To get it to stop with the Force I tried, but too weak I was. To roll off the bed I tried, but do it I could not! Nothing I could do but lay there and wait it out there was.

Unfortunately, wait it out with me, my tummies could not. Stop the inevitable I could not. Tell you let me, look much different sprayed on the ceiling than they do in the restaurant, Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes do not.

Friday, August 19, 2005

Leia: A can of spray-paint can go a long way.

Everything here is so white, and clean and stuff. It sickens me. It's like a trap for the free soul. I mean, there's no room for creativity and stuff. Thank god I have everything I need to spiffen this place up...

Ketchup, mustard, barbecue sauce.

Candy wrappers, toy owls, orange dust bunnies?

This painting has got to go...

That's better. What else around here needs spiffying?

Aayla: Watto's Casino

I'm most definitely enjoying the luxury here, especially the showers. There was no privacy to wash all that sand off back at the cave-well we had. Every time I'd try, Fluke would "casually" stand nearby.

ME: Do you mind?

FLUKE: Not at all.

ME: I'd like to bathe....

FLUKE: Don't let me stop you.

Needless to say, his afternoon was my first official shower since the day before I came to Tatooine.

My room is on the 1,203rd floor, and even though it has quite the lovely view--sand in every direction just past the oasis--I closed the blinds. I've had enough of the desert. I'm going to enjoy a sand-in-places-sand-shouldn't-get-free evening.

..Anyone up for a swim? In the meantime, I'm going to be slipping into various rooms to "borrow" the little chocolates they place on the pillows. Don't worry...I'll leave the wrappers.

Jar Jar Binks on freeloading

Freeloadin' issen an ancient Nubian tradition. Der Naboo unt der Gungans both hassen a long-standen history of pilferen anyting complimentary (or not so complimentary) wesa can layen oursa hands on from a hotel. Mesa wassen delighten to finden dat among der complimentary items in mesa room wassen several packets of moisturisen cream, which mesa issen runnen out of. Mesa at once set off to looten der hotel of anyting thassen noah nailen down. Der trick issen in yousa creative definitions of whatsa issen complimentary (anyting yousa can easily fit in yousa suitcase) unt whatsa issen not (der furniture unt der walls).

What mesa finden...
1. Mesa drawen der line at taken bottles of milk from der fridge in mesa room. But milk powder issen another matter entirely.
2. Thissen pot-plant looken like itsa might just growen in der Beggar's Canyon.
3. Surely der casino men noah needen thissen many dice. Yoink!
4. Do coconuts counten as food? Nah - yousa only drinken der inside stuff.
5. Hmm... thissen beer glass could be useful.
6. Come to tinken of itsa, mesa will taken three.
7. Bedsheets, bedsheets, bedsheets.
8. And der duvets unt der pillows as well.
9. Thissen twi'lek figurine issen noah a berry tasteful ornament... But whosa caren?

Yousa mussen all tryen to looten thissen place for as much as yousa can!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Typho: Stylin' at Watto's

The first thing I did once the transport dropped us off at Watto’s Casino was check into my room, hit the shower and wash away the grime of the last few weeks.

Talk about filth. I felt about five pounds lighter when I stepped out of the shower.

I debated whether or not to shave, since I think the beard suits me, but in the end I went for it.

I changed my clothes, but instead of hitting the buffet line, I hit the bar first. I was just thinking what a stroke of rotten luck it was that Siri had gotten voted off last week (this would’ve been a great chance to get to know her better), when what do you know? I ran into her girlfriend Oola, the Twi’lek exotic dancer.

Small galaxy!

She said, “You look lost, Typho, let me take you under my wing.”

She introduced me to the Gella twins, Ann and Tan, and yet another Twi’lek lady, Lyn Me. I thought I was on Ryloth for a second.

We discussed the state of the economy, sports, the upcoming Senate vote on legalizing prostitution in the Core Systems and what kinds of fragrant oils are best for massages.

I’m supposed to catch up with Han so he can give me some Corellian gambling tips, and I really should get something to eat if I’m going to be drinking all night, but it would be terribly rude of me to abandon these ladies at this point.

I’ll keep my eye out for my teammates, though...

And the winner is...

J.J.: Times up! And it looks like both teams we’re able to finish just under the wire, but it was Ooteeni who finished first! Great job everyone. I didn’t think you had it in you.

Eh….here’s a vomit trough if anyone needs it.

Most of the contestants race over…

J.J.: Thank you, Jabba for coming out here today and participating.

Hmph! Never has the great Jabba the Hutt been so humiliated. Do not call me again for any favors, meh bookie, or I will crush you on sight. And….and keep those two away from me….you FREAKS!!!

hokey dokey.

Yoda: Hmmmm, new colors I see that did not exist before…hmmmm…pretty colors….

J.J.: eh...must be something that affects green skinned people. Well since everyone finished in the required time, you can all get on that transport there and head off to the Casino and Resort right away. Enjoy your 24 hour stay. Mabbitt, I’ll see you at tribal council afterwards.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Yoda: Groovy It Was

The line I should have drawn here. Care nothing for my dignity, do I? A respected Master of the Jedi Order I am. Somehow, managed to live almost 900 years without licking a single armpit I have. At least, I think I have. Some parties in college there were where so clear my memory is not... never mind! A revered member of the Jedi Council I am now. So, refused to do this I should have.

But for losing that challenge with the obstacle course, some blame me. Unfair that is. Defending myself and the Galaxy against a Sith Lord I was. Appreciate me no one does.

However, determined I was that blame me for losing again no one else would. So a trooper I would be. My eyes I closed, my tongue I stuck out, and for Booger Head's armpit I dived...The deed I did. Then, something strange happened.

An odd feeling I got. The same feeling I got that time Qui-Gon's "spiced" brownies I tried. So many different colors I saw. Pretty colors. Pretty, swirly colors. Far out it was. Floating I was. A different reality I was experiencing. All good it was.

Then, hard I crashed. And very hungry I felt. Spinning my head was. More Jabba I had to have! For the Hutt I rushed, but already running back at him the other Ooteenis were! My Jabba he was! Trying to steal him they were!

"Alright, that's enough now," Jabba said, "Hey, get off me people! Stop it! This is getting gross even for me! You people are disgusting! Help!"

Talking to the rest of these hosers, he was. Not to me.

Hanging on to him for dear life and licking our hearts out we were. But trying to run away he was. Actually, more like he was trying to slither away it was. Anyway it matters not. The point is, ruining my buzz he was.

The next thing I know, spraying us with water hoses, the show's producers were. Let go of Jabba then, we had to. Remember much after that I do not. A headache I have now. Have some chocolate Ho-Hos, do you?

Typho: Slugs Taste Good

What would you do for a million credits?

I'm finding out that I'd do all sorts of things. Things I didn't want to know I was capable of like... licking the armpits of a Hutt. I was ready to fold, but the Ooteeni tribe has lost three challenges in a row. I didn't want to be the one who lost this one.

So as I approached Jabba to do this odious deed I kept saying to myself, "Jabba is a snail. Snails taste good. Jabba is a slithering two ton plate of escargot."

And don't you know, it worked? Damn if he didn't taste like something you'd order in a fine restaurant! I think I must've hypnotized myself, because I almost bit him. Not that he would've noticed -- he's got no lack of padding.

My teammates must've used similar mind tricks on themselves, 'cause they launched themselves at Jabba like leeches. I almost felt sorry for the Hutt.


Aayla: Lick

We didn't have much time left...Nope..not much at all. About ten seconds to be correct, thanks to Jar Jar, who tried to eat the armpit.

I quickly made my way to the giant booger, ready to face the disgusting taste of Jabba's pits. They smelt similar to Obi-Wan's beard, so I knew I figured I could withstand the pressure...Despite the strange-looking mold that was growing in there. I drew a deep breath and stuck my tongue out to just barely touch Jabba's armpit. Gross. That's all I can say. It tasted like a mixture of bantha poo and old musty cheetos.

Alright. The lick was halfway over with. Now I just had to remove my tongue. One problem, though; it wouldn't come off of the hutt's armpit skin. Licking a hutt is one thing. Licking its armpit is the same thing...but getting your tongue stuck to it? Disgusting! Fortunately for us, Leia and Fluke managed to pry me free just before time ran out..I don't think we ended up on top, though...

Does anyone have any mouthwash?

I have the feeling this taste isn't going to leave my mouth for a few days...


Oh, S***, we're almost out of time!
Runs up...
Wow, that tasted awfully like Jar-Jar spit.

Starbucker: Diving in

FLUKE: Oh, goodness, gracious, me-oh-my-oh! Not much time left.... must hurry!

runs over, sheds blaster helmet- tossing it to the side, dives for Huttpit - tongue out......*lick*


Image hosted by

...and what's this crap on my face now?

uughhhhh! *faint*

Starbucker's out

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Jar Jar: Here mesa goin...

Jar Jar steps up to Jabba, preparing to lick.
Jar Jar: Okeyday, thissen noah problem.
He extends his long snakey tongue and sticks it into Jabba's armpit, and licks.
Jar Jar: Hmm...
He keeps licking repeatedly, with great gusto.
Jar Jar: Soo... disgusting... but soo... enticing...
Leia: Jar Jar! Get out of the way!
Aayla: It doesn't count if you do the licking for us! Move!
Their cries are in vain. After several minutes, Qui-Gon steps in and knocks Jar Jar out with a quick application of force power. But the time on Mabbit's clock has been fatally eroded...

Monday, August 15, 2005

Qui-Gon : How Many...

We come upon our Hippie Hero with his nose in a book. To be exact, the Padawan Force Usage Handbook, reading the chapter "So You're Dead and One With the Force, Now What?"
"Oh wow!" Qui-Gon exclaims. "That's, like, totally it, man!"
Qui-Gon stands, hucks his book to the side, and squares his shoulders. He inhales deeply, prepairing him for the challenge, and the metric tonne of lard, before him. He sticks out his ethereal tongue, and charges.

Mister Jabba, how many licks of you does it take to make a deceased venerable Jedi Master ralph?
Oh-shoobah! (Let's Find Out!)

Ew, dude. One.
Does anyone know of anything that will take choco-barf out of my poncho?

Leia: whoaaa

Dude, what happened?
(scratches butt)
(scratches armpit)

Challenge #5: Never mind. You gotta see it to believe it.

J.J.: Welcome Survivors. Today’s challenge is a little different. Especially in the fact that we have a guest today that will be an integral part of your challenge. So without any further ado, let me bring out….Jabba the Hutt.

Han and Leia take out their blasters while various Jedi’s draw their lightsabers.

J.J.: Now hold on there. Today Jabba's here as a guest. And an important part of todays challenge. In fact you could say he is the challenge.

Han: I got a bad feeling about this...

Today, each member of the tribe must…..lick Jabba’s arm pits!!!

….that’s it! ...That’s the entire challenge!

You have five minutes for both teams to complete this task. The team that comes in last will have to go to tribal council this Friday.

But…since this is such a deplorable challenge, if both teams complete the challenge in the required time, then both teams will receive the reward. -Just the team that comes in second will have to go to tribal council.

The reward? Well I bet after four weeks out here you're are all hot and tired of this desert and could use a little refreshing pick me up, eh?

How about a 24 hour stay at….

Watto’s Dune Sea Oasis Casino and Resort! That’s right. All the drinks will be comped, each of you will have a room, you get 50 credits each for gambling, you can eat all you want at the buffett, you can relax by the pool. All of this is yours….if you complete this task. A transport is ready to take you away the moment your team finishes.

Sound worth it? Good. Now if everyone is ready……? Go!

Sunday, August 14, 2005

The mystery of the Idol…revealed!

Just moments ago one of the survivors tried to rub the lost idol’s belly. Unfortunately it was Qui-Gon and his hand could not make contact with the idol. But no sooner did Qui-Gon step away then Princess Leia walked up to the idol, mumbled some strange words about ice cream I think, and rubbed the its belly.

Wait….I see a strange glow appearing around the idol. Yes. It’s definitely a strange glow…and it looks like the idol is disappearing. What a jip!

But wait!!! There’s now a brilliant glow around Leia. It’s covering her from head to toe. I…I can’t see what’s happening…..

There we go….the glow is dissipating. And in its place is……..


It appears the idol has made Leia……a man!!!!!!

(The effects of which will last exactly 2 weeks!!! On August 27th, you will return back to normal. Have a nice day.)

Palps: Voted off!?!?! What!?!?!

Palps: Voted off??? Perhaps I should introduce you all to the true power of the force . . . . . .

I raise my hands...

JJ: Whoa, Whoa! You signed a waiver, no force use at Tribal Council!

Fluke: Palps…dude. Relax, It’s just a game.

Qui-Gon: Yeah man…it’s not like you needed the money or anything.

Leia: *sniff* I’ll really miss you, Palpy.

I pause and look around at the team and then put on my black robe to cover my milky white, speedo clad body. As I lift the hood on my cloak, I resort to my low, raspy voice.

Palps: So be it…Mabbitt. You shall all pay for your lack of vision.

I stomp off. The tribe all looks at each other….

Aayla: Wonder what he meant by that??

Jar-Jar: Mesa tinkin, that may have been a bombad idea, votin him off.

Leia breaks down, sobbing.

Leia: He was like a father to me. We used to sit around the campfire, eating Oreo’s at night and swapping stories. * crying *

Fluke: Hey!! You had Oreo’s and you didn’t tell the rest of us?

Leia: *sniff* huh?? Oh…sorry. I meant to tell you guys, but they were so creamy and good. He had a whole case? Didn’t he share them with you all too?


Leia: Oh. *sheepish grin*


Creamfeet, the bringer of ice cream and goddess of all that is cool and milky! O goddess, what doth thou command?

*rub rub rub* ...


Qui-Gon : Idol hands

Oh wow.
That's bloody hideous.
But, as I'm already dead, I don't want my other team-mates to risk their life and tangible limbs.
*waves an ethereal hand over the idol and passes straight through*
Oh, bum.
*tries to rub the idol again, with no luck*
I can't. I, like, guess the Force will let me crack eggs for brownies but not rub thousand year old idols.
I wish that was in the Padawan Force Usage Handbook, Master Yoda, man.

Strange Survivor News...

Mysterious idol found uncovered in the dune sea near the Survivor encampments. Experts say it might have lain buried there for thousands of years. The only distinguishing marks are a simple phrase carved at the base which reads

“Time for a change…you will see.
Be the first…to rub my belly?”

Viewers are holding their breath with anticipation watching the commentary post, wondering who will be the first.