Saturday, October 01, 2005

Yoda: Tummy Trouble

The toughest challenge ever, this would be. Require much meditation on my part to prepare, it would. Some time to prepare before the challenge they gave us, so my meditation chant I started.

"An illusion the food is... specters, ghosts ... has substance it does not... taste like chicken it will..."

"Yoda?" JJ interrupted, "What are you doing?"

"Meditating I am. Shoo."

"Why are you doing... ouch! hey!"

With my cane repeatedly I whacked him. "See can you not how peaceful and calm I am?! Now go away!"

More food meditation chants I tried, "The airplane here comes... Open the hangar... hummmm... the choo choo here comes... open the tunnel... hummm... Know how do you that like it you do not until it you try... hummm... Grow big and strong you will not if eat your beetles you do not... hummm... Many starving children in the world who would love to eat those bantha testicles there are... hummm..."

Making it easy to meditate, Bob the Bantha was not. Yes, still following me around he is. Leave me alone he will not. Kind of sad he seemed today though. Though blind he is and see the food he could not, that bantha bits were on the table he seemed to know. I hope that his "boys" these are not. Stand to eat that part of Bob I could not. Of course, if even Bob still has all of his original parts I know not. Maybe bobbed, Bob has been. Maybe not. Looked down there I have not. In fact, sure I am not that even a "Bob" he is, if what I mean you know.

So my meditation I finished and on my meal I started. Unfortunately, sitting across from me, Solo was. Seen baby chimpanzees with better table manners I have. Making me more nauseous watching him eat was, than having to eat the actual food itself was. What's worse, loving the food he was.

First Course
Not too bad, the scurrier was. Eaten worse things in the Jedi cafeteria I have. At least identify what I was eating I could. However, look it in the face before eating it I could not. So its little eyes I covered.

Having no problem with it, Solo was. Licking his fingers after he had finished, he was. Then, his teeth he picked with the tail. "Those little scurrier fingers get stuck in your teeth real easy. How do my teeth look? Any scurrier meat stuck in them?"

Second Course
Harder this was. Every time that into one I bit, the little screams from all the beetles still in the bowl I could hear. "Uncle Louie, no!" Kind of a downer that was.

Making it worse, trying to crawl back out of my stomach, some of them were. Every time I felt them crawling up, start to rise to the surface my stomach juices would. Shut my mouth and swallow hard I would.

Solo. Still no problems Solo was having. Face-down in his bowl like a dog, he was.


slurp "Yeah?"

"A beetle leg on your face there is. No other side. There, it you got."

After the last beetle Solo had eaten, up to his face he brought the bowl so that slurp all the broth he could. Another gag I had watching him do that.

Third Course
Lived you have not until Spice Ronto intestines you have tried. Then wish you were dead you will. Chewy it was. Chewy, gummy, and gooey it was. Making it worse, started a fist-fight with each other, two of the beetles in my stomach had.

I gagged. Close your teeth, breathe through your nose you must, I told myself. It worked.

Then, right next to me, Bob the Bantha decided to sit. But turned to me his back was, so that right against my face, his butt was. Smell too pleasant, a banthas hiney does not, tell you let me.

Again I gagged. Think happy thoughts I must! I told myself. Happy thoughts! About the many ways I could smite down Dooku I thought. Happy that made me. But still on the verge of gagging I was.

At Solo I looked. A mistake that was. Chewing with his mouth wide open he was. A disturbing sight, chewed up Ronto intestines are, take my word for it you can.

Hard I gagged this time. Up into my mouth, it got. But my mouth I kept closed, then the whole mess I swallowed. My proudest moment this was not.

"Hey, are you alright, there, Pops? You look, well, greener." Finished the intestines Solo had. Starting the bantha testicles he was.

"Having a hard time with these intestines I am."

"Yeah? I thought they were terrific. Not as good as these testicles, though. In fact, I think they kind of taste like pickles."

"No!!!!!!!!" I yelled. But too late it was.

"Wuawwwww!!!!!!" Phblittttttttt!!!!!!!

Right... on... my... face... it was. More than I could take, it was. Badly my eyes stung. Involuntarily choking I started. For air I gasped, but only the funk I breathed in. To my face, all of my blood rushed. Feel the hot juices eat through my esophagus as up from my stomach they rose in a huge volcanic explosion that burst past my mouth, I could. When done I was, even dripping from my nose it was.

Awhile for my vision to return it took. When stinging my eyes finally stopped, at Solo I looked. Blurry he was, but see I could that frowning at me he was. My eyes I wiped so that see more clearly I could. All over his face, my meal was. Well, at least from this something good came.

Qui-Gon : Trippin' on the Beetles

Challenge day. The day that separated the Jedi from the Padawans. The scoundrels from the scum. Where each remaining contestant fought to prove their worthiness for another week.
The week in question was a challenge of intestinal fortitude, and not just that of gutsy chutzpah. Multiple Jawa delicacies were set before each of the remaining men. Each had to go through and choke down every item without unpleasantly revisiting it.
The late Qui-Gon Jinn, though dead, was not one to pass up dinner. The first course was a fried scurrier and had little taste as he gobbled it down with fervour.
On to the second dish. Before him was a steaming bowl of beetles in a thick sauce. The insects twitched and writhed.

"Uh," Qui-Gon began, looking to his Jawa friend, "JJ, man, like, I can't kill something to, like, eat it."

Qui-Gon... The voice was not that of JawaJuice.
Cocking his head to the side with puzzlement obvious on his spectral face, Qui-Gon looked at the bowl again.
The Jawa sighed.
"Look, QG, they are dead. It's just boiling, or something. Feel better? Now just eat them..."
"But they are moving..." The ghost picked up the bowl and looked hard at the beetles. He stuck a finger in and gave the sauce a tentative taste.
Again the voice called out.
"Like, who's there, man?"

Meet the beetles.
Qui-Gon's eyes grew large and he dropped the full bowl to the table, its contents sloshing out. He went completely still.
He was freaking out.

Yellow matter custard dripping from a dead dogs eye.
Everything is helter skelter... It's all too much. I've got a feeling that I need to get back, but I'm so tired. I'm a loser. I should have known better. That mean Mr. Mustard has turned me into a day tripper.
I saw my plant, Floyd, the one with the pink flower. It wasn't brain damage, just one of my turns. With a momentary lapse of reason, I started to run like hell, the sheep were behind me.
"Is there anybody out there?" I called to the marching hammers.
Nobody home. JJ, wish you were here. I'm just having one of these days, man.
Mother, there's an aeroplane up in the sky. No, it's a Zeppelin. Plummeting like it's made of led.
I was dazed and confused. There was a communication breakdown. I trudged on, and saw a stairway to heaven draped in kashmir. I walked along it, seeing at my sides the houses of the holy.
There at the apex, was the Queen of my dreams, Tahl.
"Now I'm here," I said, "Your good old fashioned lover boy." What we had was a crazy little thing called love, a miracle.
My mother love looked at me and said, "Don't try so hard. Just fight from the inside. No-one but you can beat this. You're in the lap of the gods."
She was right. I had to hang on in there. To have a breakthru. Was it all worth it? Yes, it was a worthwhile experience.
Again, the purple haze clouded my brain. Manic depression set in. My foxey lady was gone and there was fire all along the watchtower. I tried to make my way to a red house, past the castles made of sand.
I found myself stuck in Coruscant crosstown traffic. Far in the distance was a paper sun. There, at the corner of the Shanghai noodle factory, were forty thousand headmen, marching my way. Was I feeling alright? Not feeling too good myself, and I had a hole in my shoe. I dashed in through a set of double doors.
Those people are strange and these had been some strange days. I found moonlight drive, and kept going, waiting for the sun. I had really hoped that this was the end.
I had been down the long and winding road. This whole trip had left me nowhere man. I did learn from the things we said today that this Mother Nature's son would have done better if he'd just let it be.

Dooku: Wine and dine

As a Count, I am required to sample many dishes during festivities back on Serenno, and generally find they all go much better with a splash of tea.

No such luck here, I'm afraid.

The First Course:

Out comes the Scurrier on a stick. With a deep breath, I pick it up.



Why, this isn't too bad, what? Reminds me of a somewhat over-done crumpet, actually.


Better make that a very overdone crumpet. With skin. And a tail. And a head. And legs.

The Second Course:

Now the curry beatle soup. I gingerly pick up the bowl, and sip it tentatively.


Hmm. Certainly not up to the standards of
my tea, but a fine concoction none the less. I simply must get the recipe for this - it will make a fine addition to my standard brew.


Into the mouth goes a beatle.



How delightful! When you chew them precisely so, it squirms, and you get this delightful tickle in the back of the mouth. Ooh! Simply marvellous!

The Third Course:

Ronto intestines. What is a Ronto, anyway? And what's this 'secert marinade' the chef uses? I don't like cooking secrets. They make me feel inferior. Hmph.

...down the hatch goes the intestine...


You know, it tastes alot better once you get past the gristle. Then it's just bloody. And blood doesn't taste so bad.

The Fourth Course:

Onto the fourth and final course...

Bantha testicles.


No. No. I can't eat these.

Back on Serenno, we have a...errr...'Gentlemen's Agreement' - noone eats anything taken from...down there. Believe me, it's necessay when you have hundreds of chef training for the top spot of my chef, and some are from rather unsavoury species...and others like practical jokes.

I am a man of principal. I will not let my principles slide for some reality TV contest.


Although...that testicle does look tasty...

Friday, September 30, 2005

Starbucker: Urp

Fluke begins waving his arms, tilting his head back and forth, running in place, twisting at his hips, touching his toes, and doing jumping jacks in place as if preparing for a track meet or something.

JJ: "uh, Fluke? You ok?"

Fluke: (still motioning agressively) "Oh, yeah... yep... you betcha... just, you know... warming up... getting ready... loosening up... gonna fly now... got the eye of the tiger..."

JJ: "oooookaaaaayy... uh, are you worried... I've never seen you quite like this... you seem a little distant - you can handle this, right?"

Fluke: (now sweating) "Oh, sure, sure... no problemo... tummy of iron... taste buds of steel... gag reflex of a sarlacc... fortitude of a cage... versatility of a peanut... skills of a ninja... toenails of a (he stops suddenly at looks at JJ wide-eyed) ... nevermind that... this'll be a snap."

JJ: "Are you all ready? Then.... dig in."

The plates come out and are uncovered. A few groans are heard.
Fluke raises his hand

FLUKE: "Uh, can I get some utensils?"

JJ: "Not unless you brought your own, but Leia was the only one who did."

FLUKE: "Can I use my lightsabre?"

JJ: "I guess so. Sure."

Fluke powers on his lightsabre and cuts the head off his scurrier. He grimaces and begins skinning the remaining carcass, pausing on occasion to turn away and take a few deep breaths. The others are eating away. Fluke cuts away the innards very tediously and cautiously while holding the creature at full arm's length away from himself and after some time, is left with a slight sliver of genuine meat, which he eats grudgingly with a disgusted look on his face. He shudders.

FLUKE: *whew* "OK... Ready for course #2! Bring it on!" he claps his hands and rubs them together

JJ: "Um... you have to finish that Scurrier to move on."

FLUKE: "Oh, I'm quite finished with that Scurrier. Come on, bring out the next one."

JJ: "Um, you're not finished with that... you've tossed the majority of it under the table."

FLUKE: "Well, that stuff's not the edible part."

JJ: "But, you've got to eat it, too."

FLUKE: "Listen, you should be thanking me for doing the cleaning job your cooks should've done correctly in the first place. That stuff's kinda icky."

JJ: "..."

FLUKE: "Well,it is! I mean - just look at it. Icky.... ick-y, ick-y, ick-y "

JJ: "I think you're unclear on the concept here... you're competing against the other contestants to eat the most icky stuff."

Fluke gives him a blank stare

JJ: "We made it icky on purpose."

Fluke's eyebrow twitches

JJ; "We didn't un-icky-fy it on purpose. We want to see which of you could eat the most icky."

FLUKE: "hold on... you mean... I hafta... eat... that?"

JJ: (nodding head slowly) "yyyyeeeeeesssss!"

FLUKE: "are you sure?"

JJ: (nodding head slowly) "yyyyeeeeeesssss..."

FLUKE: "...really?"

JJ: (nodding head slowly) "yyyyeeeeeesssss..."

FLUKE: "...all of it?"

JJ: (nodding head slowly) "yyyyeeeeeesssss..."

Fluke's heart sinks

FLUKE: "...k..."

He begins picking up the parts and shakes and flicks some of the sand off of them. He looks up at JJ with puppy dog eyes.

JJ: "Look - you don't have to eat it...but if you don't, then you won't win the challenge."

FLUKE: "... but I gotta win the challenge."

JJ: "then just eat it... don't think bout it, just do it."

Fluke nods and begins chewing on a chunk of the leathery skin. It's still rather sandy... it's tough... it's flavor makes him think of the way wookie snot smells. He heaves for a sec, and spits it out, but then shoves it back into his mouth. He heaves again immediately, and the chunk again spews out. With eyes watering, he shoves it back in. He yaks again.

Noticing that JJ has his attention diverted, he shoves the chewed and spat piece of meat into his shirt.

FLUKE: "aaaaah, finally choked that one down." He exclaims, garnering some attention.

JJ: "Good job... looks like you only have about, oh... 80% or so left. You probably ought to worry about that head, or those innards first. Save the rest of the succulent skin for last... sort of a creme de la creme."

FLUKE: (dismayed) "uh... yeah, good plan..."

Fluke picks out a small handful of crispy innards, and shoves them into his mouth. *crunch*crunch*

FLUKE: (to self) "hey, these aren't so bad."

then he chomps a mildly slimy chunk of liver.

FLUKE: (gagging) "WHHHO_WARPH!" he holds it in "WHHHO_WARPH!" he continues to hold "WHHHHO_WARRRRPH!"

He notices the severed head in his left hand with little strands dangling out of it


His gags are turning more violent. His eyes, watering immensely. His palms, clammy. His skin, splotchy

JJ: (to self) "OMG, I can't watch this."

Fluke notices JJ turns away and nonchalantly drops the head into the sand and places his foot on top of it in attempt to bury it as he continues to do his best to hold down his ever increasing gagging. He is now completely red, sweating bullets, and has his toes balled up into tight fists. He manages to swallow.

FLUKE: (wiping his eyes and whimpering) "uuugh.... I'm getting there."

It seems the rest are finishing up their scurriers. He takes several deep breaths, and puts a few slimy innards into his mouth. He visualizes the goop swishing around as he tries to chew...
FLUKE: "WhaaaaR_PHHHHH" He holds it in, trying to think of something pleasant... "WooooHHHAARRR_PPPHHHHHHy" he continues to hold in and chew, the thought visualizations turn to the maggots he sees squirming on parts of the remaining rotting carcass... the pungent smell penetrates his nostrils...


Finally, his body purges itself with a force similar to a nova. He hollers as he let's loose. He cups his hands over his mouth, but the pressure is too great, and stomache acids and fluids spew from his fingers in all directions. He grabs onto the table and lets loose completely, screaming and hollering all the while. He shakes violently. The explosion clears the table of his remaining parts and the other contestants. He gets down on his hands and knees and crawls as he continues heaving. He continues to heave and gag and contort well after he is emptied. Everybody watches in horror as it appears he is being ripped inside out stomache first...

FLUKE: (wobbling back to a standing position, catching breath & wiping face with sleeve) "OK,... I think..."swallows hard "...I'm ready..." breathes in & out "...for the next course now?"

JJ: (shaking head slowly) "I'm sorry, Fluke.... oh so sorry...

JJ: (thinking to self) that I had to witness this"

Monday, September 26, 2005

Challenge #10: Jawa Jamboree Cookout

Good morning, Survivors.

For today’s challenge, you’re in for a real treat. I suppose a lot of you are pretty hungry not having much to eat out there. Well, today may just help that.

Today’s challenge is an old fashioned, authentic, Jawa-jump-up jamboree cookout! Here you will sample various authentic if not exotic jawa cuisine. Yum…yum…

Each of you will be given a dish to eat. You must eat everything on the plate in ten minutes or less. There will be four different dishes or courses you must eat.

It will run like this: The first course will come out and everyone tries to finish that course. The last one to finish it (or not able to finish it…or throws it up) is eliminated from that round. Then the next four move on to the second course. The same thing will happen and the last person unable to finish is eliminated there. Three will move on to the third course and then two will move on to the fourth course. The person who finishes the fourth and final course wins immunity…as well as having a fine meal.

Want to see what you’ll be eating?

First course: appetizer….crispy fried Scurrier on a stick.

Sun dried with all the innards still intact then flash fried over an open mesquite fire till its lizard like skin in nice and crispy.

Second course: soup…..curry beetle soup.

Fresh picked Bockle Beetles in a zesty cream of curry sauce. Some of them may still be moving…they’re hearty little buggers.

Third course: Main course……Spice Ronto intestines.

BBQ Ronto is a jawa staple. But it’s the delicious intestines that are the most prized. Marinated for weeks in a secret blend that includes garlic, vinegar, catsup, our famous spicy Sarlacc spittle, and Bantha urine, then seared over an open fire to give it that smoky flavor. Now I must warn you, it’s a bit chewy so you’ll have to really work on this one.

Finally the fourth course: dessert…….chilled Bantha testicles.

Picked from only the finest bull Banthas and chilled in a light cinnamon cream sauce with a hint of mint. Just like grandma Ja’moo’ti use to make.

And there you go. A fine four course meal for the taking.

Are you ready?

Then….dig in.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Tribal Council #9

Welcome back to tribal council. We’re getting down to the short numbers and every vote counts. I’d like to say that everyone here is doing an amazing job. You should all be proud that you’ve gotten this far. Now without further ado, I’ll read the votes.

First vote……………………Typho




…………………Fluke. That’s two for Typho, two for Fluke. Next vote………….


So it looks we have a tie. As per the rules, I will reach in and randomly pick between the two tied contestants………….

The eleventh person voted off Survivor: Tatooine………….


Captain Typho.

Typho….the tribe has spoken.

The rest of you can head back to camp. There will be another challenge tomorrow.