Yoda: Tummy Trouble

The toughest challenge ever, this would be. Require much meditation on my part to prepare, it would. Some time to prepare before the challenge they gave us, so my meditation chant I started.

"An illusion the food is... specters, ghosts ... has substance it does not... taste like chicken it will..."

"Yoda?" JJ interrupted, "What are you doing?"

"Meditating I am. Shoo."

"Why are you doing... ouch! hey!"

With my cane repeatedly I whacked him. "See can you not how peaceful and calm I am?! Now go away!"

More food meditation chants I tried, "The airplane here comes... Open the hangar... hummmm... the choo choo here comes... open the tunnel... hummm... Know how do you that like it you do not until it you try... hummm... Grow big and strong you will not if eat your beetles you do not... hummm... Many starving children in the world who would love to eat those bantha testicles there are... hummm..."

Making it easy to meditate, Bob the Bantha was not. Yes, still following me around he is. Leave me alone he will not. Kind of sad he seemed today though. Though blind he is and see the food he could not, that bantha bits were on the table he seemed to know. I hope that his "boys" these are not. Stand to eat that part of Bob I could not. Of course, if even Bob still has all of his original parts I know not. Maybe bobbed, Bob has been. Maybe not. Looked down there I have not. In fact, sure I am not that even a "Bob" he is, if what I mean you know.

So my meditation I finished and on my meal I started. Unfortunately, sitting across from me, Solo was. Seen baby chimpanzees with better table manners I have. Making me more nauseous watching him eat was, than having to eat the actual food itself was. What's worse, loving the food he was.

First Course
Not too bad, the scurrier was. Eaten worse things in the Jedi cafeteria I have. At least identify what I was eating I could. However, look it in the face before eating it I could not. So its little eyes I covered.

Having no problem with it, Solo was. Licking his fingers after he had finished, he was. Then, his teeth he picked with the tail. "Those little scurrier fingers get stuck in your teeth real easy. How do my teeth look? Any scurrier meat stuck in them?"

Second Course
Harder this was. Every time that into one I bit, the little screams from all the beetles still in the bowl I could hear. "Uncle Louie, no!" Kind of a downer that was.

Making it worse, trying to crawl back out of my stomach, some of them were. Every time I felt them crawling up, start to rise to the surface my stomach juices would. Shut my mouth and swallow hard I would.

Solo. Still no problems Solo was having. Face-down in his bowl like a dog, he was.

"Solo?"

slurp "Yeah?"

"A beetle leg on your face there is. No other side. There, it you got."

After the last beetle Solo had eaten, up to his face he brought the bowl so that slurp all the broth he could. Another gag I had watching him do that.

Third Course
Lived you have not until Spice Ronto intestines you have tried. Then wish you were dead you will. Chewy it was. Chewy, gummy, and gooey it was. Making it worse, started a fist-fight with each other, two of the beetles in my stomach had.

I gagged. Close your teeth, breathe through your nose you must, I told myself. It worked.

Then, right next to me, Bob the Bantha decided to sit. But turned to me his back was, so that right against my face, his butt was. Smell too pleasant, a banthas hiney does not, tell you let me.

Again I gagged. Think happy thoughts I must! I told myself. Happy thoughts! About the many ways I could smite down Dooku I thought. Happy that made me. But still on the verge of gagging I was.

At Solo I looked. A mistake that was. Chewing with his mouth wide open he was. A disturbing sight, chewed up Ronto intestines are, take my word for it you can.

Hard I gagged this time. Up into my mouth, it got. But my mouth I kept closed, then the whole mess I swallowed. My proudest moment this was not.

"Hey, are you alright, there, Pops? You look, well, greener." Finished the intestines Solo had. Starting the bantha testicles he was.

"Having a hard time with these intestines I am."

"Yeah? I thought they were terrific. Not as good as these testicles, though. In fact, I think they kind of taste like pickles."

"No!!!!!!!!" I yelled. But too late it was.

"Wuawwwww!!!!!!" Phblittttttttt!!!!!!!

Right... on... my... face... it was. More than I could take, it was. Badly my eyes stung. Involuntarily choking I started. For air I gasped, but only the funk I breathed in. To my face, all of my blood rushed. Feel the hot juices eat through my esophagus as up from my stomach they rose in a huge volcanic explosion that burst past my mouth, I could. When done I was, even dripping from my nose it was.

Awhile for my vision to return it took. When stinging my eyes finally stopped, at Solo I looked. Blurry he was, but see I could that frowning at me he was. My eyes I wiped so that see more clearly I could. All over his face, my meal was. Well, at least from this something good came.

Challenge #10: Jawa Jamboree Cookout

Good morning, Survivors.

For today’s challenge, you’re in for a real treat. I suppose a lot of you are pretty hungry not having much to eat out there. Well, today may just help that.

Today’s challenge is an old fashioned, authentic, Jawa-jump-up jamboree cookout! Here you will sample various authentic if not exotic jawa cuisine. Yum…yum…

Each of you will be given a dish to eat. You must eat everything on the plate in ten minutes or less. There will be four different dishes or courses you must eat.

It will run like this: The first course will come out and everyone tries to finish that course. The last one to finish it (or not able to finish it…or throws it up) is eliminated from that round. Then the next four move on to the second course. The same thing will happen and the last person unable to finish is eliminated there. Three will move on to the third course and then two will move on to the fourth course. The person who finishes the fourth and final course wins immunity…as well as having a fine meal.

Want to see what you’ll be eating?

First course: appetizer….crispy fried Scurrier on a stick.

Sun dried with all the innards still intact then flash fried over an open mesquite fire till its lizard like skin in nice and crispy.

Second course: soup…..curry beetle soup.

Fresh picked Bockle Beetles in a zesty cream of curry sauce. Some of them may still be moving…they’re hearty little buggers.

Third course: Main course……Spice Ronto intestines.

BBQ Ronto is a jawa staple. But it’s the delicious intestines that are the most prized. Marinated for weeks in a secret blend that includes garlic, vinegar, catsup, our famous spicy Sarlacc spittle, and Bantha urine, then seared over an open fire to give it that smoky flavor. Now I must warn you, it’s a bit chewy so you’ll have to really work on this one.

Finally the fourth course: dessert…….chilled Bantha testicles.

Picked from only the finest bull Banthas and chilled in a light cinnamon cream sauce with a hint of mint. Just like grandma Ja’moo’ti use to make.

And there you go. A fine four course meal for the taking.

Are you ready?

Then….dig in.

Tribal Council #9

Welcome back to tribal council. We’re getting down to the short numbers and every vote counts. I’d like to say that everyone here is doing an amazing job. You should all be proud that you’ve gotten this far. Now without further ado, I’ll read the votes.

First vote……………………Typho

Next………….Fluke

…………..Dooku

……………Typho

…………………Fluke. That’s two for Typho, two for Fluke. Next vote………….

……………Han.

So it looks we have a tie. As per the rules, I will reach in and randomly pick between the two tied contestants………….

The eleventh person voted off Survivor: Tatooine………….

……….is…

Captain Typho.

Typho….the tribe has spoken.

The rest of you can head back to camp. There will be another challenge tomorrow.