Saturday, September 10, 2005

Typho: Surf City Tatooine

How does JJ come up with these challenges?

Once again I found myself rooting around in a junky Jawa sandcrawler gathering parts. I was able to pounce on some plastic shower curtains before anyone else could grab them. A major coup there! The curtains weren’t quite big enough, so I augmented them with some fiberplast panels and what looked like maternity clothes.

Finding something akin to a surfboard was harder. I had to make do with landspeeder fins and parts from a bookcase. Count Dooku was nice enough to help me and Han by donating some parts he didn’t need.

I finished my windsurfing board in the nick of time.

The race started.

I was kicking ass!

Jedi were eating my sand!

WOO HOO!!

And then...

Well, let’s just say, “nice” and “Sith Lord” are incompatible terms.

GRRR!

So close this time. Dammit.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Yoda: Spiders I Hate!

Difficult to do a challenge with a love-sick bantha following you around all the time, it can be. Think I'm his mother or something Bob must, because stop following me he will not! Blind he is, so know how he can tell where I am, I do not. Tell you I can, crowded in the cave it has become.

Asked the show's producers to take Bob away, I have. But evil they are. They think that funny it is. So take him away they will not! Stupid producers!

Anyway, another stupid challenge they gave us. Build a wind-surfer and surf across the sand, we were supposed to. Next, what is? Cross-country skiing through Mos Eisley?

Into the sandcrawler to look for parts I went. Thankfully, outside Bob stayed. Many parts I rummaged through. All useless parts, they were - more clown wigs, a bunch of those giant foam "#1 we are" fingers, tons of those AOL cds that in the mail you get, about a hundred Betamax VCRs, boxes and boxes of Tiger Beat magazines, useless things.

So up a few levels to the crew area I went. To stop me a Jawa guard tried. A blaster rifle he pointed at me.

"This is a restricted area. You can't come in here. Move away. NOW!"

My hand I waved at him. "A loser you are."

"I'm a loser."

"Beat yourself over the head repeatedly with that rifle, you will."

"I think I'll beat myself repeatedly over the head with this rifle."

Necessary to add the rifle-beating it was not. But because pride in my job I take, the extra mile I always try to go.

Anyway, into a conference room I went. An important meeting they seemed to be having. Care I did not.

"Using that large conference table are you?"

"As a matter of fact, yes we..."

"Think so I did not." With the Force, I whipped it away from under them.

"Hey!"

My board I had. But a sail I still needed. Back down into the parts section of the sandcrawler, I went. Just then, into a bunch of cobwebs I ran!

Running in, Solo came. "What's wrong? Who's screaming?"

"Out of these cobwebs get me! And screaming I was not!"

"You were screaming like a little girl. Here, I'll get you out, you big baby."

"Hurry! Before the sp...., before the sp..., the sp...."

"The spiders?"

"Say the 'S-word', do not!" As know, many of you may, like sp... I do not.

"Look, Short Stuff, there aren't even any spiders left in these webs. They must all be dead."

"Sure that dead they all are, are you?"

"Listen, Your Greenness, I didn't sign on here to baby-sit some ancient monkey while he works out his little phobias. I've got a challenge to do."

Such a caring man he is.

While getting out of this blanket of cobwebs I was, it occured to me that make the perfect sail, these cobwebs would. All those cobwebs I took, and like a sheet I spread them out.

Ready I was now. Time to take off it was, because time for the race it was. But taking off I was not. Perhaps not enough wind there was. Have to manufacture my own wind, I would. Be a problem that would not.

"Here, Bob."

Bob the bantha I stood on the board, and towards the sails I pointed his bottom.

"Pickle!" I yelled.

"Mwawwwrr!" *Phlibbbtttt*

Like a rocket we took off! And everytime pause or touch down we would -

"Pickle!"

"Mwarrr!"

Making great progess we were. A chance at winning we had. Then, a most hideous thing I saw. Walking along the web, a sp......, a sp......, a sp....., a little crawly thing with eight legs was! That noise that Solo mistook for screaming, but screaming it most definately it was not, I made. Off of the sand-surfer I tried to jump. But scare Bob, the noise I made did. The whole sand-surfer to tip over, this caused.

So, what happened to me that was. In a pile of bantha, cobweb, and conference table, I ended up. Know what happened to the sp..., you-know-what, I do not. See it on me you do not, do you?

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Jar Jar: Goodbye, Tatooine

Ooh, mesa skin... Mesa hassen been here for too longo already. Mesa issen almost glad to leaven. Well... tanken yousa all for der great memories. *sniff* Noah maken a scene, Jar Jar, noah maken a scene... WAAAAAAAAAH! BOOHOOHOOWAAAAAAAH! *snif* *snif*
*Ahem* Well... thassen it. Now, off to der spaceport.

Challenge #8: Dune Sea Surfing

The place: the edge of the Dune Sea

The time: very, very early in the morning.

Welcome Survivors. Today we’re at the northern most part of the Dune Sea. It’s here that you will start another race. As you can feel, it gets pretty windy here this time of year. That’s actually going to help you because this is a wind surfing competition. The only difference is that you will be surfing on sand and not water, as illustrated by my lovely assistant Mitzy.










You will have from suns rise to suns fall to complete the race from the north end of the Dune Sea to the south end by Womprat Ridge. There is a catch…








Remember the spare parts in the sandcrawler you used to construct your cooling droid? Well, you’ll be using the same junk pieces to construct your wind-surfer. So not only will you have to build your wind-surfboard you will then have to use what you built to hopefully take you to the finish line.

I can tell you now that your wind-surfer will not be as good as the one Mitzy was riding. There is little cloth in there for sails and what there is, is not in very large pieces. You’re going to have to use your imagination for this one.

Also, we took out all the power sources. The one defining factor of your wind-surfer is that it must be powered by the wind. …so no using the force either.

So if there aren’t any questions, the suns are about to rise. Once I give the word, you can all race into the sandcrawler and begin building your wind-surfer. Once it’s built…off you go.

And……..Go!

Tribal Council: Week Seven

J.J.: Welcome to tribal council. It’s been a long week. As you know, Fluke here won the Bantha shearing and as such, wins imunity. He also had a rare opportunity to name someone else to receive immunity and he named Qui-Gon. You can not vote for these two people. So let’s begin the vote.

*Turn by turn, the survivors walk over to the podium and write down a name…only to return to their seats and their game of Mega Plumber Brothers XXIV on the driod.*

J.J.: All right…I’ll now read the votes.





First vote………………..Typho





Second vote……………………Anakin





Next…………………..Jar Jar







…………………..Jar Jar






……………………Typho That’s two for Typho, two for Jar Jar.





………………last remaining vote………………..






……………..Jar Jar.











Jar Jar, the tribe has spoken.

Monday, September 05, 2005

Han: A Close Shave

Well, the tribes merged, and us former Ooteenis moved into the Mabbitt cave. Ah, out of the sunlight and into the air-conditioned shade. Well, semi-air-conditioned. The AC didn't seem to be a high-output model, but still... Glorious.

Best of all is the super deluxe Toshy© XXL-Box hyper-mega game system, complete with a high definition plasma screen and six robo-controllers. I mean, c'mon! The Toshy© XXL-Box! Super deluxe model! Seriously, if you're going to get a Toshy©, you've got to get the Super deluxe.

I was going to get my retro-game on this morning, but JawaJunior or whatever his name is sent us a rock-mail with a challenge on it. Wild Bantha Shaving. Oh, yeah, I'm going to rush out and shave wild banthas. I'll get right on that.

Unfortunately, we all have to go out there, but fortunately, the Super deluxe Toshy© has portable gaming robo-controllers. Gotta love that! I grabbed Mega Plumber Brothers XXIV and headed out.

Man, I hadn't played MPB24 in YEARS! I had forgotten how much fun it was. I just wish those pickle powerups came more frequently. There's like, only one per level!

And I kept getting distracted, by Fluke saying "Oh, boy-oboy-oboy!" over and over again, and Yoda screaming in distress. Whatever. Once I save the princess, I'll get down to business and start shaving me some banthas.

What? The princess is in another castle? Dagnabit!

... (much, much later) ...

Curse you Emperor Crouton! I can't believe I'm out of lives already. Sorry, princess, it looks like it wasn't meant to be. Well, at least I can get started on the challenge now...

What's that? The challenge is OVER? Already?! And FLUKE won?!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Sunday, September 04, 2005

And the winner is...

J.J.: Time's up. And it looks like the winner is...Fluke. And by a landslide. Three bantha's sheared. That's amazing. Only my aunt can shave so much so fast. But...eh...I won't go into that. So Fluke. You won immunity. You also get to name one other person to give immunity. Who will that be?
Fluke: Well, I thought what Qui-Gon did with his bantha was much more humane. And it smells better. So I'm giving my other immunity to Qui-Gon.
J.J.: And there you go. Those two people are immune from the vote. Everyone else is fair game. You all did an excellent job. Now get ready for tribal council.