Saturday, July 16, 2005
Anakin: A Wretched Hive
So me an H-dawg are goin down to Mos Eisley. He's definitely gonna need my help, yo. I mean, he seems to know how things work, but I gots me a lightsaber, so whatevs. I wish my fly girl Padme was comin', but she's gotta... I dunno... guard the well or sumthin. When I get back, we're gonna check out that cave in Beggar's Canyon, yo.
Have I mentioned the sand issue? Sand is whack. This whole planet is whack. Oh well. The tequila helps, yo. And the trip'll be... interestin, anyway.
Typho: In The Heat of The Night
On the plus side...
My ion cannon kicks butt! Woo hoo! I just need to make some minor adjustments so that the beam is a little more focused. There were a lot of grumbles when I wasted those womp rats, but everyone will be thanking good old Ty when I annihilate a big honking sandworm or a Krayt dragon!
In other news, Solo decided he's going to walk to Mos Eisley, and he's taking Skywalker with him. We may never see those two again.
Did I mention yet that IT. IS. HOT?
I grew up in Kaadara, a beach resort community on Naboo, so I'm used to sand and hot weather, but this is a whole 'nother type of heat. You know how people say, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity"? Well, they lie. A humid heat, I can deal with. This dry heat... Force, I might spontaneously burst into flames.
Oh, and speaking of hot...
Since we were taking the first watch and guarding the waterhole, I made an attempt to get to know Jedi Siri. I told her some funny Jar Jar stories, like when he decided he was going to improve the quality of our coffee with genetic enhancements. I also asked her her opinion of the what to expect from the members of the Mabbitt tribe.
Okay, maybe it was a lame way to break the ice, but...
What do you think?
Could a one-eyed security guard and a Jedi Master ever...?
Qui-Gon: Music of the Night
I, like, haven't had a brownie in a few days. It's so strange, as, like, my head is clearing up. I mean, I'm still in the ether, but I am starting to recall things long forgotten. I just feel like I can see for miles (and miles, and miles). I can, though, as I can just float up and like, look around. Can't leave here, though. Bummer.
Okay, like don't tell my teammates and stuff, but I think there is more going on than we realise. Like Palpatine. I like think he is trying to recruit us over to the Dark Side. I mean, like 2 more recruits and he gets that stellar bonus of a fondue pot, with 16 forks! That would be, like, for a big shindig, man. But yeah, something is going on there. And, like, I know, because, like, remember Dooku? He was trying to get me to join so he could get that new Schwinn bike.
Wow, Grievous. He's, like, most impressive, though that cough... I've coughed like that the first time I tried that bubbler at Mos Eisley Cantina and Oxygen Bar. But, I think he's like, overkill, in a big way. That, and the undeniable evil. He gets all those lightsabres going, and well, I'm just waiting for Jar Jar to just happen to trip onto one and then, at least, everyone will have Shish Kabobs for dinner.
Leia with her gun. Like, wow. She's just... Wow. I mean, she's, like, all, like, bang, wow, bang bang. And she don't take crap from no-one.
Jar Jar would be the death of me, except I'm already, you know, dead. But, you know, I feel that I have to, like, protect him, for some reason. Mostly, he just hides when the danger comes around. Blubbering Gungans are lose their amusing qualities after the first 37 seconds of seeing them, man.
I'm really glad to be paired up with Aayla, Fluke, and Ben, but they still can't see me! It's really frustrating when I want to, like, get in on their game of charades and they are all oblivious and stuff, man. It really sucks, you know. However, lucky me, I've got my poncho, with my cowbell attatched. They can see that. It would be like seeing a disembodied poncho that jingles, and that would like, freak me out if it weren't me. So, to say that there was a lack of camaraderie, is, like, an understatement.
I've been, like, watching the camp the best I can. I'm dead, man, so I don't need sleep. Well, like, last night, we were all around the biggest bonfire I've ever seen, man (and like, it smelled like Force Lightning, I swear). Everyone was roasting Womp Rats and I was just there, feeling left out, and I just started singing, man. It was just a hum at first. But, I've never been able to resist the urge to sing We Are the Champions with every ounce of my being. I got to the chorus, and there was Ben, singing along. As we went on, everyone, even Grievous joined in. We weren't perfect. I mean, we would be the last group to win a Grammy (well, as the Grammy's are really a corporate ploy to sell pop culture to the masses, if we were to get that Coruscant Idol image going, we'd be a bloody shoe-in). But, just the fact that we were all singing, giving it our all, together. It was inspirational.
Like, even though I'm dead, there was nowhere else I'd rather have been than with all of them.
The bummer was that our glee club session alerted the Tuskens, and our nightly raid was a few hours early. As we fought, the song continued.
After all of that, I learned something.
We are the champions, my friends.
Palps: Arrival of the Sith
Speaking of tribe mates, here is my take on all of these losers:
Aayla: Wow, she’s more striking in person than her picture in the Jedi directory gives her credit. Too bad she’s a Jedi and I will have to eventually destroy her. Perhaps she could be turned? She could become a powerful ally.
Fluke: Loser. Couldn’t find his butt with two hands, a map, and a flashlight. Although I do sense some force presence in him…but not much.
Grievous: More droid than brains. While it would be natural for me to form an alliance with him (a separatist alliance??), that coughing would drive me crazy.
Jar Jar: Loser. Smells terrible. Can’t understand a word he’s saying. He’ll be the first to get voted off, and probably dinner for everyone the next evening. I hear that Gungans taste like chicken??
Leia: She’s a bit of an unknown at this point. First impressions… cute, but a little too ‘man-ish’ for my tastes. Have also detected some force in her, but it is faint.
Obi-Wan: What’s with the Cheeto obsession? I thought I was obsessed with Oreo’s, but this guy makes me look like an apprentice. And he always keeps sneaking off with Aayla, and acts like no one notices. He’d make good lightsaber practice for Lord Maul.
Qui-Gon: Smells like something, but I can’t put my finger on it. I think it may that stuff they call ‘pot’ on the commercials I have seen during NASCAR. He also seems to be a little slow, but then again he ‘was’ a Jedi so I’m not surprised.
I arrived on the planet to find it HOT. I was just here a few weeks ago, but I don’t remember it being this hot. Good thing I wore my Speedo under my black cloak. I think if I show it off perhaps I can rattle my fellow contestants.
It’s not like I need the million credits, I have more money than I will ever be able to spend. But I can practice my lightsaber skills on the locals. Plus some subtle manipulation of the force and I might be able to get Grievous and Jar Jar to make out.
Most of the tribe could not figure out how to make fire. Jar Jar spent a lot of time rubbing two sticks together, but kept drooling too much. Grievous tried spinning light sabers, but kept knocking the firewood out of the pit with all the flailing about. Finally I told them all to go out and find more kindling and started the fire myself with some force lightning when they weren’t looking. Of course, we ended up with a huge bonfire since I still cannot seem to control the lightning once it gets started.
The first night we encountered some of the sand people. I went out to investigate with Obi wan, Leia, Fluke, Qui-Gon and Aayla. Those Jedi went charging in, and I stood back and cheered them on.
“Use your hate, it makes you powerful!!” I yelled at them. They mostly looked at me funny and kept fighting them off. After a while we dispatched them all. I wanted to kill the women and children, but Qui-Gon insisted we go back to camp.
Jar Jar was the noisiest sleeper. Between the snoring and passing gas, I couldn’t get any sleep. At one point I wanted to liberate his head from the rest of his body with my lightsaber, but Aayla stopped me.
We have no food yet, but Fluke and Leia went out to see if they could find some womp rats. I am not ready to reveal my stash of Oreo’s to them just yet, at least not until after the first immunity challenge.
*Moans with extreme discomfort*
Phew, mesa gald mesa getten der whinen out of mesa system.
Tatooine issen berry nasty place. Der Tusky Raiders attacken ussen last night. Ouchie. Mesa hiden under a rock. Perhaps next timen, mesa should use mesa boomas on themsa. Or just hiden under another rock. Either way. Mesa issen glad mesa hassen mesa moisturisen cream, or mesa skin woulden have cracked open by now. Mesa issen haven a plan, though, to stoppen der Tusky Raiders from attacken ussen. All mesa needen is some samples of der local vegetabletaions, and some good-shaped rocks. Oh... and water. Buggah.
Friday, July 15, 2005
Master Yoda: Hervé, Crock-pots, and Womprat Stew
A religion based on the TV show Fantasy Island, the ancient native inhabitants built. To this day, the annual Hervé Olé! festival they still hold, and yearly pilgrimages to the St. Ricardo de Montabalban temple on the Ronto Plateau they make. Tatooine monks chanting the prayer "The Plane, Boss, The Plane" as down one of Mos Eisley's older streets they walk, an uncommon sight is not.
What to do with the contest this has? Nothing! What? An excuse to get some culture you people need? Excuse me if enlighten you people I try! Hmph!
Getting hungry today, we were, but hungry enough to try to hunt those ugly sand worms we were not! Fortunately, away from their native grounds and into our camp, a herd of womprats wandered. Unfortunately, surrounded by dufuses I am. Immediately, his ion canon, Captain Typho took out and fired at them, blowing them into womprat confetti. "Good going, Typhoid!" I said. It he hates when 'Typhoid' I call him.
Thankfully, by us a second herd wandered. "I got this, yo!" Young Skywalker yelled. His lightsaber he brandished, and after the womprats he went. Twenty he killed, then thirty, then forty.
"Duf.. I mean Young Skywalker, here a minute, come over!" I yelled.
"Young Skywalker, a deep freezer somewhere you are hiding?"
"Then a meat locker close by, you know of?"
"Then do what with all the extra dead womprats we will?"
"Uh, think of that I did not." he said.
For some reason, a cooking implement no one else brought with them. Gee, that maybe something to prepare food with we might need, you think? Luckily for everyone, a solar-powered crock-pot, my luxury item was. Finally able to use that thing I was. Used it since I ordered it from that informercial, I have not. Buying things off of televsion I should stop, but sell me anything, that Ron Popeil can! So, ready to fix us all some womprat stew I was.
His two credits, Dooku had to put in, "I say, old man, womprats are much better served fried, I should think."
Supposed to fry it with what we were, our hands? A frying pan we had not.
"No! Fry not!" I said. "Stew or stew not. There is no fry."
Han: Return to Tatooine
Too long. Now that I'm back I realize how soft I've gotten. It's hot. REALLY hot. Even in the shade, it feels like the air is burning my skin. It's very, very, very hot.
We're going to need a shelter as soon as possible. They sell the "Ultra Deluxe Luxury© Super Sand Protection Shelter®" at Mos Eisley. Don't believe the name, though. These cheap scrap-metal throw-togethers are mainly for the gullible new settlers. One big sand-storm and the air intakes clog and the cooler shuts down permanently. But, they're inexpensive (and seeing as how we don't have any money, cheaper is better). Besides, we're not staying, and it's better than nothing.
Unfortunately, they wouldn't let me have my 1st choice luxury item (an XP-38 speeder), so things are going to be a bit more difficult.
Here's my plan:
- Wait until nightfall.
- Hoof it to Mos Eisley (walk without rhythm and you won't attract the worm).
- Score some credits.
- Buy a shelter and some transportation.
- Come back here and be showered in adulation from my teammates.
Damn, it's hot.
I hate it I hate it I hate it! What IS that smell? Whatever it is, I'm beginning to smell like that. I have a suspicion it's coming from Jar-Jar. I dunno why he's just picking up bugs off the ground and shoving them in his mouth, but it's disgusting. There's no good food, not even chefs! I don't think I even want to taste Jar-Jar after all those bugs. When I get home, I'm telling daddy to hire people to build real rooms with air conditioning, TV, a working stove, a DVD player, a force shield... (takes deep breath) and a dishwasher. Also, the sun here is very hot. Even the fork provides very little shade. 'Fork rules all' my cough. And the Tusken Raiders are everywhere! There's no killing all of them! There's always one more. One day Daddy's gonna Tusken-proof this whole place.
On a brighter note, the Mabbitt Tribe is the best team! And Anakin's not here to whine and complain about everything. Palps looks great in his speedo.
First Night Security
Well, the team and I were ready to go to sleep last night when we got into a discussion about guard duty (being that we live near the tusken raiders), well naturally I offered to be the guard and promptly ordered my luxury item, my security droid (which is my I asked for it in the first place), to patrol the perimeter of the camp to the stunned faces of my team.
At about 3 am we all awoke to hear blaster shots and raider shouts coming from the end of the canyon. All who had a reusable weapon (Palps, Obi wan, Leia, Fluke, and I think Qui gon and Aalya) ran out and charged at the raiders with rage of being woken up in the middle of the night, that was until Palps started calling out "Yes, hate leads to the dark side" where promptly Aalya, Obi wan, Fluke, and Leia ran back to calm down and comfort Jar Jar who was in fear of raider skydiving into the camp. Meanwhile Palps, Qui gon and I continued having a lot of fun slaying the poor innocent sand people, until the brownie effects wore off Qui gon and upon realising what he was doing went back to camp.
By 4 am everyone was back in camp and sound asleep and the droid still patroling as if nothing had happened.
A: hi hun hows you?
O: better for seeing you!
A: arrr *sighs* your so sweet
O:is anyone else here yet?
A: yeah flukes here
O: brillient you go get him and i'll get a party sorted
~one wild party later~
F: that was good. where did you get those strobe lights from?
O: I had them hidden in my garter belt
O: Ok so I had them hidden in Aaylas garter belt.
O: Yeah we best go check who else is about. *winks at Aayla*
F: uh no its ok i'll go...
Is it Just Me, or is it Hot out Here?
What this place lacks in shade and comfort, it makes up for with searing heat and manly stenches. Already, my skin is beginning to burn..you can tell by the nice purple color that tints it. I suppose one will get used to it after a week or so.
As my comfort item, I've chosen a portable coffee maker. Not only can I use it to make coffee in the mornings, but I can throw it at teammates that happen to get on my nerves! I definitely can't go wrong with a choice like this.
While waiting for the other members of the Mabbitt tribe to arrive, I've been studying my surroundings very carefully. Here are a few notes I've picked up
- If you fall into the Steaming Pits of Death, it will probably hurt.
- The Tusken raiders tend to shoot at you if you wave at them.
- Another note on Tusken raiders: Don't invite them to sit with you for afternoon tea.
- Try not to hallucinate.
- Don't use womprats as target practice.
- The sand burns your feet if you try to run around barefoot.
- Don't eat rocks.
- The bantha dumping ground smells like Obi-Wan's sock drawer.
- Don't fall asleep while washing your face in your small well.
- It's hot.
Tatooine: Farthest planet from the bright center of the universe
1. Krayt dragons ain't edible, yo. Don't even try.
2. Judland wastes: don't travel em lightly. Always pack extra deoderant, yo.
3. Sand People hold grudges. Let me at 'em if we see any. And even if we don't.
4. This one's for my fly girl Padme: there's a cave in Beggar's Canyon that'd be kickin' for gettin away from the rest of the team. Just sayin'.
That's what I can think of for now, homes. I think I mighta made a mistake packing my black leather threads, but there's no way I'm spending however many weeks lookin like Obs.
Peace out, team.
Typho: First Impressions
Anyway, the other contestants are arriving. Here are my thoughts so far on the Ooteeni Tribe.
Anakin Skywalker: Does not play well with others, however, if we need something to be killed, he's your man.
Count Dooku: What's his motivation? I thought he was already rich. If I arrest him, do I get a reward? Should I shoot him and end this destructive conflict?
Han Solo: This guy seems slick. We can probably work together.
Jedi Siri: Hmm. Can't tell yet. Seems serious, but you can never tell with Jedi.
Mace Windu: He seems a lot more, oh, sensitive, than I was led to expect?
Padmé: My boss rocks. And she can shoot too.
Master Yoda: He reminds me of uncle Panaka, except uncle is tall and black and isn't an 800-year-old Jedi that speaks backwards.
We get to request one weapon and one luxury item. I asked for an ion cannon and a Naboo skiff. I don't think they'll go for it, but...
The Mabbitt Advantage:
Located in the Arkanis sector of the Outer Rim, Tatooine is a desert world orbiting twin G1 and G2 suns.
They make you hallucinate. Think you see water in the pic? Wrong! It's a mirage!
Named Tatoo I and Tatoo II, these suns scorch the planet's surface with an intense heat that make survival there very difficult. Early scout ships had actually labeled Tatooine as the Tatoo system's third sun - such was the intensity of the reflected heat and light from the true suns. However, after learning the body was actually a planet, miners colonized Tatooine in the hopes of locating valuable metallic ores. The miners' ships carried the first generation of Tatooine's original colonists - later referred to as the 'Oldsters'. The miners set up facilities to dig for the supposed ore, and created crude sandstone huts to protect themselves from the heat. The simple but effective architecture of these huts would become a dominant style in future towns on Tatooine.
Nevertheless, life perseveres, and so can we. Though few beings prosper on Tatooine, most get by with what they have. Historians believed that Tatooine had once been covered by oceans, though over time these water masses dried up, leaving behind great canyons and eroded rock formations. Since we are positioned in one of these rock formations, we will not only have somewhat more shelter from the sun than our opponents, but I estimate that we will have a relative comfort in the form of less sand where the suns don't shine.
Though mostly covered by endless deserts and daunting dune seas, Tatooine's landscape is broken up by a number of rocky mesas and winding arroyos, such as Beggar's Canyon and the famous Boonta Eve Classic racecourse. These rocky areas house many of Tatooine's native creatures (read: FOOD), from the docile banthas to vicious womprats, legendary krayt dragons, massive rontos, and small but tasty scurriers (shown here)
Tastes like chicken
In addition, the savage Tusken Raiders are known to roam the Jundland Wastes, as are the junk-collecting Jawas. While these species were Tatooine's true natives, many more aliens have come to call Tatooine home.
As for our opponents, the suns will be beating down 5/6 of the day on them with nothing to shield them - except Padme's parasol.
Our opponent's primary food source? Sandworms. Or should I say, our opponents might be a sandworm's primary food source.
They can grow larger than many spaceships.
Good luck trying to catch even a baby one of those.
Idiots give it a go with their bare hands.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Welcome to Survivor: Tatooine!
Hot. Desolate. Hot. Remote. Hot. Dangerous. Did I mention that it’s hot?
It is on this forlorn planet far away in the outer rim that 16 contestants will have to match wits with the elements and each other in order to survive.
It is here I call home. My name is…eh…well, to most it is unpronounceable but you can call me J.J. I’ll be your host for the next several weeks as these contestants outplay, outwit and outlast each other to be known as the last survivor and win a million credits.
The contestants may only bring one weapon of choice as well as one luxury item. Otherwise they only have the clothes on their back.
The contestants have been randomly divided into two tribes. The tribe names have been taken from ancient jawa sayings. The first tribe is the Ooteeni tribe. (Ooteeni meaning ‘Holy crap! I’m being eaten by a bloody great Dewback!’) Their buff color (and blog color) will be orange.
The members of the Ooteeni Tribe are:
Anakin: Part-time Jedi, Full time Playa'
Dooku: Tea Toddler
Mace: Youth Councilor
Padmé: Fashion consultant
Siri: Jedi Apprentice
Yoda: Jedi Master (and master of Jive?)
The second tribe is the Mabbitt tribe. (Mabbitt meaning ‘WTF’) Their buff (and blog color) shall be purple.
The members of the Mabbitt tribe are:
Aayla: Blue Man Group Understudy
Fluke: founder of the New Jedi Order wannabe
Grievous: Vishnu stand-in
Jar Jar: Creator of Frogger
Leia: Princess ...need we say more?
Obi-Wan: Cheeto product tester
Palpatine: Human recourses
Qui-Gon: Brownie buisness guru
The Ooteeni tribe shall start in the desolate area known as the dune sea. There is little shelter here as well as very little food. In fact there’s little of anything out here. Unexpected winds may bring sudden fierce sandstorms at a moments notice.
The Mabbitt tribe starts in Beggar’s Canyon. Also miles from the nearest outpost, this canyon does offer more in the way of shelter from the elements , but the canyon has more in the way of danger. Wandering tribes of Tusken raiders roam the canyon and may raid the contestants and cause harm to them.
Both tribes will have one small well where they will have access to water, but beyond that they will have to make due with making, finding or eating anything else.
Tuesday there will be rock-mail. (It would have been tree mail but seeing as there are no trees…) This will instruct the tribes of the week’s challenges along with what the reward is for the winners. Tribal council for the losers.
Alright. You may now leave with your tribe members to your respective starting points.
Good luck. …you’re gonna need it.