Typho: In The Heat of The Night

Jedi Siri, Me and a Womp Rat
Originally uploaded by Captain Typho.

Well, I managed to tick off Master Yoda already, so that's not good. He looks like the type to hold grudges.

On the plus side...

My ion cannon kicks butt! Woo hoo! I just need to make some minor adjustments so that the beam is a little more focused. There were a lot of grumbles when I wasted those womp rats, but everyone will be thanking good old Ty when I annihilate a big honking sandworm or a Krayt dragon!

In other news, Solo decided he's going to walk to Mos Eisley, and he's taking Skywalker with him. We may never see those two again.

Did I mention yet that IT. IS. HOT?

I grew up in Kaadara, a beach resort community on Naboo, so I'm used to sand and hot weather, but this is a whole 'nother type of heat. You know how people say, "It's not the heat, it's the humidity"? Well, they lie. A humid heat, I can deal with. This dry heat... Force, I might spontaneously burst into flames.

Oh, and speaking of hot...

Since we were taking the first watch and guarding the waterhole, I made an attempt to get to know Jedi Siri. I told her some funny Jar Jar stories, like when he decided he was going to improve the quality of our coffee with genetic enhancements. I also asked her her opinion of the what to expect from the members of the Mabbitt tribe.

Okay, maybe it was a lame way to break the ice, but...

What do you think?

Could a one-eyed security guard and a Jedi Master ever...?

Palps: Arrival of the Sith

Of course I have to play as my softer side on the show, which will make things more interesting for sure. I plan to call upon all of my Darth Sidious skills to ensure that I am victorious, but I am not ready to reveal my true identity to my Jedi tribe mates just yet.

Speaking of tribe mates, here is my take on all of these losers:

Aayla: Wow, she’s more striking in person than her picture in the Jedi directory gives her credit. Too bad she’s a Jedi and I will have to eventually destroy her. Perhaps she could be turned? She could become a powerful ally.

Fluke: Loser. Couldn’t find his butt with two hands, a map, and a flashlight. Although I do sense some force presence in him…but not much.

Grievous: More droid than brains. While it would be natural for me to form an alliance with him (a separatist alliance??), that coughing would drive me crazy.

Jar Jar: Loser. Smells terrible. Can’t understand a word he’s saying. He’ll be the first to get voted off, and probably dinner for everyone the next evening. I hear that Gungans taste like chicken??

Leia: She’s a bit of an unknown at this point. First impressions… cute, but a little too ‘man-ish’ for my tastes. Have also detected some force in her, but it is faint.

Obi-Wan: What’s with the Cheeto obsession? I thought I was obsessed with Oreo’s, but this guy makes me look like an apprentice. And he always keeps sneaking off with Aayla, and acts like no one notices. He’d make good lightsaber practice for Lord Maul.

Qui-Gon: Smells like something, but I can’t put my finger on it. I think it may that stuff they call ‘pot’ on the commercials I have seen during NASCAR. He also seems to be a little slow, but then again he ‘was’ a Jedi so I’m not surprised.

I arrived on the planet to find it HOT. I was just here a few weeks ago, but I don’t remember it being this hot. Good thing I wore my Speedo under my black cloak. I think if I show it off perhaps I can rattle my fellow contestants.

It’s not like I need the million credits, I have more money than I will ever be able to spend. But I can practice my lightsaber skills on the locals. Plus some subtle manipulation of the force and I might be able to get Grievous and Jar Jar to make out.

Most of the tribe could not figure out how to make fire. Jar Jar spent a lot of time rubbing two sticks together, but kept drooling too much. Grievous tried spinning light sabers, but kept knocking the firewood out of the pit with all the flailing about. Finally I told them all to go out and find more kindling and started the fire myself with some force lightning when they weren’t looking. Of course, we ended up with a huge bonfire since I still cannot seem to control the lightning once it gets started.

The first night we encountered some of the sand people. I went out to investigate with Obi wan, Leia, Fluke, Qui-Gon and Aayla. Those Jedi went charging in, and I stood back and cheered them on.

“Use your hate, it makes you powerful!!” I yelled at them. They mostly looked at me funny and kept fighting them off. After a while we dispatched them all. I wanted to kill the women and children, but Qui-Gon insisted we go back to camp.

Jar Jar was the noisiest sleeper. Between the snoring and passing gas, I couldn’t get any sleep. At one point I wanted to liberate his head from the rest of his body with my lightsaber, but Aayla stopped me.

We have no food yet, but Fluke and Leia went out to see if they could find some womp rats. I am not ready to reveal my stash of Oreo’s to them just yet, at least not until after the first immunity challenge.

Master Yoda: Hervé, Crock-pots, and Womprat Stew

Very informative about Tattooine JawaJuice and Young Starbucker were. But one very important detail they left out - named after who, the planet and its suns were:


A religion based on the TV show Fantasy Island, the ancient native inhabitants built. To this day, the annual Hervé Olé! festival they still hold, and yearly pilgrimages to the St. Ricardo de Montabalban temple on the Ronto Plateau they make. Tatooine monks chanting the prayer "The Plane, Boss, The Plane" as down one of Mos Eisley's older streets they walk, an uncommon sight is not.

What to do with the contest this has? Nothing! What? An excuse to get some culture you people need? Excuse me if enlighten you people I try! Hmph!

Getting hungry today, we were, but hungry enough to try to hunt those ugly sand worms we were not! Fortunately, away from their native grounds and into our camp, a herd of womprats wandered. Unfortunately, surrounded by dufuses I am. Immediately, his ion canon, Captain Typho took out and fired at them, blowing them into womprat confetti. "Good going, Typhoid!" I said. It he hates when 'Typhoid' I call him.

Thankfully, by us a second herd wandered. "I got this, yo!" Young Skywalker yelled. His lightsaber he brandished, and after the womprats he went. Twenty he killed, then thirty, then forty.

"Duf.. I mean Young Skywalker, here a minute, come over!" I yelled.

"Whassup, G?"

"Young Skywalker, a deep freezer somewhere you are hiding?"

"No."

"Then a meat locker close by, you know of?"

"Uh, no."

"Then do what with all the extra dead womprats we will?"

"Uh, think of that I did not." he said.

Dufus!

For some reason, a cooking implement no one else brought with them. Gee, that maybe something to prepare food with we might need, you think? Luckily for everyone, a solar-powered crock-pot, my luxury item was. Finally able to use that thing I was. Used it since I ordered it from that informercial, I have not. Buying things off of televsion I should stop, but sell me anything, that Ron Popeil can! So, ready to fix us all some womprat stew I was.

His two credits, Dooku had to put in, "I say, old man, womprats are much better served fried, I should think."

Supposed to fry it with what we were, our hands? A frying pan we had not.

"No! Fry not!" I said. "Stew or stew not. There is no fry."

First Night Security

Well, the team and I were ready to go to sleep last night when we got into a discussion about guard duty (being that we live near the tusken raiders), well naturally I offered to be the guard and promptly ordered my luxury item, my security droid (which is my I asked for it in the first place), to patrol the perimeter of the camp to the stunned faces of my team.

At about 3 am we all awoke to hear blaster shots and raider shouts coming from the end of the canyon. All who had a reusable weapon (Palps, Obi wan, Leia, Fluke, and I think Qui gon and Aalya) ran out and charged at the raiders with rage of being woken up in the middle of the night, that was until Palps started calling out "Yes, hate leads to the dark side" where promptly Aalya, Obi wan, Fluke, and Leia ran back to calm down and comfort Jar Jar who was in fear of raider skydiving into the camp. Meanwhile Palps, Qui gon and I continued having a lot of fun slaying the poor innocent sand people, until the brownie effects wore off Qui gon and upon realising what he was doing went back to camp.

By 4 am everyone was back in camp and sound asleep and the droid still patroling as if nothing had happened.

Typho: First Impressions

Ooteeni Tribe
Originally uploaded by Captain Typho.

Tatooine. First thoughts? Now I get why Skywalker acts the way he does. Whew! And the Mos Eisley spaceport? It makes a gundark's nest look clean.

Anyway, the other contestants are arriving. Here are my thoughts so far on the Ooteeni Tribe.

Anakin Skywalker: Does not play well with others, however, if we need something to be killed, he's your man.

Count Dooku: What's his motivation? I thought he was already rich. If I arrest him, do I get a reward? Should I shoot him and end this destructive conflict?

Han Solo: This guy seems slick. We can probably work together.

Jedi Siri: Hmm. Can't tell yet. Seems serious, but you can never tell with Jedi.

Mace Windu: He seems a lot more, oh, sensitive, than I was led to expect?

Padmé: My boss rocks. And she can shoot too.

Master Yoda: He reminds me of uncle Panaka, except uncle is tall and black and isn't an 800-year-old Jedi that speaks backwards.

We get to request one weapon and one luxury item. I asked for an ion cannon and a Naboo skiff. I don't think they'll go for it, but...

Welcome to Survivor: Tatooine!

Tatooine!

Hot. Desolate. Hot. Remote. Hot. Dangerous. Did I mention that it’s hot?
It is on this forlorn planet far away in the outer rim that 16 contestants will have to match wits with the elements and each other in order to survive.

It is here I call home. My name is…eh…well, to most it is unpronounceable but you can call me J.J. I’ll be your host for the next several weeks as these contestants outplay, outwit and outlast each other to be known as the last survivor and win a million credits.

The contestants may only bring one weapon of choice as well as one luxury item. Otherwise they only have the clothes on their back.

The contestants have been randomly divided into two tribes. The tribe names have been taken from ancient jawa sayings. The first tribe is the Ooteeni tribe. (Ooteeni meaning ‘Holy crap! I’m being eaten by a bloody great Dewback!’) Their buff color (and blog color) will be orange.

The members of the Ooteeni Tribe are:
Anakin: Part-time Jedi, Full time Playa'
Dooku: Tea Toddler
Han: Smuggler
Mace: Youth Councilor
Padmé: Fashion consultant
Siri: Jedi Apprentice
Typho: Security
Yoda: Jedi Master (and master of Jive?)

The second tribe is the Mabbitt tribe. (Mabbitt meaning ‘WTF’) Their buff (and blog color) shall be purple.

The members of the Mabbitt tribe are:
Aayla: Blue Man Group Understudy
Fluke: founder of the New Jedi Order wannabe
Grievous: Vishnu stand-in
Jar Jar: Creator of Frogger
Leia: Princess ...need we say more?
Obi-Wan: Cheeto product tester
Palpatine: Human recourses
Qui-Gon: Brownie buisness guru

The Ooteeni tribe shall start in the desolate area known as the dune sea. There is little shelter here as well as very little food. In fact there’s little of anything out here. Unexpected winds may bring sudden fierce sandstorms at a moments notice.

The Mabbitt tribe starts in Beggar’s Canyon. Also miles from the nearest outpost, this canyon does offer more in the way of shelter from the elements , but the canyon has more in the way of danger. Wandering tribes of Tusken raiders roam the canyon and may raid the contestants and cause harm to them.

Both tribes will have one small well where they will have access to water, but beyond that they will have to make due with making, finding or eating anything else.

Tuesday there will be rock-mail. (It would have been tree mail but seeing as there are no trees…) This will instruct the tribes of the week’s challenges along with what the reward is for the winners. Tribal council for the losers.

I will then post on Fridays opening up tribal council and the vote to commence. You will have up to three days to vote. If you do not vote within those three days, you will have forfeited your chance to vote for that week. I will then read the votes as soon as everyone has submitted one. That person will then be asked to leave the game. They can, of course, post a farewell message.

Post as often as you like but at least once a week. Any questions?

Alright. You may now leave with your tribe members to your respective starting points.

Good luck. …you’re gonna need it.