Saturday, August 06, 2005

Join Together With the Band, Man

I'd, like, say, 'Ray, we won,' but I, like, knew that was coming, man.
We've got a killer team, and most of us, like, were acquitted. Ben is a simple man that is of a simple mind. Like 'Fire bad, tree pretty.' So we said run, and he took off like a Wookie on fire. And, like, where Ben goes, Aalya is bound to saunter along, sexily flailing her arms and lekku in a seductive manner. It's hypnotic. We should do this more often. That Leia, she used that fork for everything, man. Climbing, digging, swinging, stabbing, a little more stabbing, and in the end, like, winning. Fluke never fails to impress me. He is always so professional about everything he does. He, like, even gave a politically correct gag when shimmying through the Bantha poodu. JarJar made it! Without dying! Damn lucky Gungan. I'm dead, and he escapes a Sarlacc pit. Palps is really spry for, like, a guy who is older than I would be if I were still me, I think. I don't know how old he is, but he did some Jedi Jumping that was like dead-on Master Yoda's Force pogo-stick jumps. I sang to rouse the masses. But you guys don't know Join Together? By the Who? I think we are going to have Rock History classes after all of this is over, and you lot are in the remedial course.
As for voting, like, I'm dead and stuff, so, like, don't have to worry about that whole Jedi impartiality stuff, right? So, yeah, man, good luck.
And J, start making some of them brownies, man. We're all having a loving helping of some of the spaced-out spiced-out chocolate for dessert.
Peace be with everyone, even you Ooteeni pig-dogs.
Qui-Gon (Quiggy)

Tribal Council: Week Three (Ooteeni)

J.J.: Okay, looks like the Ooteeni tribe is finished so they are up first.

*Grabs the voting skull*

*First person with the most votes will be voted off. I’ll now read the votes.

First vote….Padmé






That should do it. Padmé would you come up with your torch?

*snuffs out torch*

Padmé…the tribe has spoken.

*Everyone wistfully watches as padmé walks away. Padme blows Anakin a kiss, Anakin drops his eyes and looks away.*

Ooteeni, you can head back to camp.

Mabbitt, you still have three more votes to cast.

Typho: My Vote

(thinks hard and writes a name down on the paper)

(shows it to the audience)

"I may have made a mistake, but..."

(slips vote into the slot)

Dooku: And may the force be with us...

*Places voting slip into container*

*Sweeps top hat from head dramatically in a bow*

And may the force be with us all.
The Dark Side, that is.

Han: I Hate Voting

[Flips lucky decicred]


[Writes down name]

Good luck.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

And the winner is...

J.J.: And the winner is Oo- wait! What’s this? Yoda and Dooku are at each others throats and are tumbling down the cliff side. Ooo! That’s gotta hurt. Now look at this…Jar Jar’s coming up. If he makes it to the top….? Yes! And Mabbitt wins the reward challenge!

As your reward, each member of your team gets to eat a fine meal from your home world. Just let us know what you want and our intergalactic chefs will whip it up and serve it to you under these tents.
Ooteeni….I got nothing for you. So close…

Now tomorrow, both teams are heading to Tribal Council. That means the Ooteeni tribe will be voting off someone from Ooteeni, and the Mabbitt tribe will be voting someone off Mabbitt.

Mabbitt, enjoy your meal. I’ll see all of you tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Jar Jar: Obstaclen

Der sprint across der desert: ow... mesa surprisen mesa maken itsa. Mesa issen runnen out of moisturiser soon for sure after thatsa.
Climben der wall: Halfway up - back down with a crunch. Halfway up - back down with a crunch. Thissen happenen four times before Obi and Aayla helpen mesa up.
Der Sarlacc Pit: Oh no...
Mesa teammates hurlen mesa into der sarlacc! Only mesa quick (and only sometimes clumsy) reflexes managen to saven mesa. Mesa swingen from mesa long tongue to stayen out of reach of der sarlacc. Although... thissen wassen painful. *Berry* painful. Mesa could noah talken right for an hour. Den Aayla saven mesa again. Thissen wassen mesa important part to play, apparently...
Bantha Poodo: Der swamp issen much worse on a bad day.
More climben: Again, mesa issen mistreated. Someone throwen mesa up der wall usen der Force. Itsa muy muy hurten when mesa landen on top. When mesa finden out whosa doin thassen...

Well, at least wesa won. Itsa wassen berry uncomfortable though... To be honest, mesa noah would minden bein voten off at thissen point.

Yoda: From Poo Doo to Dooku

Win this one easily we would.

After all, Jar Jar the other tribe had! At the beginning, I even said to them, "Look, fair this should be. Jar Jar you have, so do this challenge with feral cats in our pants, we will."

Take me up on that, they did not. Cocky they were. Ok with me that was.

Early, the lead we took. A hard time to get into the lead we had, too. Easy at first, it was. Of course, back Typho set us when off the balance beams he fell. Apparently, he thought that all the way back to the starting line he had to go. But only back to the start of the balance beams, he needed to go. Doofus!

"Good going, Tai-Bo!" I said.

"Typho, my name is! Typho!" he yelled. Very loud he can yell when frustrated he is. *Hee hee!*

But the time, quickly we made up. Way ahead of the hosers on the other team, we pulled.

Stinky, the Bantha poo doo was. Get it fresh, how did they? Trained Banthas to poo on command they have?

Anyway, sick Senator Amidala got. Turned my way, her head was! With the Force, I deflected it. Wash out of Solo's clothes that will not! *Hee hee hee hee*

Still, through it we got. Kicking the other tribe's butts, we were. Our dust they were eating.

To the rock wall, we got. Very quickly we climbed. Most of the way up we were. About to win, we were. Then, happen it did. Dooku's fault it was. One more ledge we had to climb when Dooku said, "Up you go, My Friend. You first."

Too well, I know Dooku. Never polite without a reason, he is. A trap for me he had set! Or maybe to pants me, he wanted! Hmm, yes. Right above him I would be. A perfect opportunity to give my pants a yank, it would be! There on Galactic TV, with my pants down around my ankles I would be! Oh, love that he would!

"Oh no, go first you must!" I said.

"Oh no, old chap, you first, I insist."

"Please, Dooku, you first."

"Age before beauty, my friend."

"Calling me old, you are?!"

"Not at all, my good man. I should think though, that it would be advantageous to someone of your obviously inferior stature to climb before me."

"Oh, inferior am I?!"

"I was merely saying that since you are so short..."

"It that is!"

Loose, all Heck broke. The smackdown on him I started to throw. A huge fight it became. Well, have what choice did I? What he said you heard, er, read! Short, he called me! And those other words too!

Suddenly, back down the cliff we were rolling. The next thing I knew, lying on the ground at the bottom of the cliff we were, moaning in pain. Up to the finish line, the other team had gotten. Smirking, they were. Look happy, my tribe did not.

Stupid Dooku! In the lead, we were. In the lead!

Won, we should have. All HIS fault, this is.

Typho: Falling Down

I've fallen and I can't get up.
Falling Down
Originally uploaded by Captain Typho.

Not my finest hour.

It started out okay.

Half-mile sprint across sand? Too easy.

Scale a ten-foot wall? No problem.

The Sarlacc pit? Well, that was tricky. I narrowly missed getting grabbed by a tentacle.

From there it should've been easy. Just the balance beam, the Bantha poodoo and the rock climb. Piece of cake.

Only, I couldn't manage the balance beam. I got a third of the way across and fell. It was the sand. I couldn't get my footing. Maybe a little vertigo.

Anyway, I picked myself up and ran all the way back to the start of the course. I could swear that's what the Jawa said we had to do!!


I was only supposed to run back to the start of the balance beam segment.

Sigh. Master Yoda had a field day with that snafu.

Still, the Ooteeni team managed to make up the time.

Things were going well, when...

You know what? I'll let Master Yoda tell you.

Starbucker: The lonliness of the long distance runner a good title even though this is a short run...

lessee...every one of my teammates can handle themselves well on this one...I'm just gonna go...

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At the starting line...

huff, huff

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Hey, running's easy without a little Master on my back...

pant, pant

wow! lookit Aayla...she's in good shape... wonder why she flails her arms like like when she runs?...odd...

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Do ALL Twi'keks run this way? up the wall...snort, snort hnnurgh!

...over the sarlacc...WEEEEEEEEEE!

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Woah! It just about got my leiderhosen!

...balance beam...two feet off the ground *rolls eyes*tiptoe, tiptoe

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weird...something's casting a major shadow on my clothes!

...sprint to the next dealy-a-ma-bob......pant, huff, gasp...

...the Bantha poo crawl... grunt, grunt, gakkk!

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YEWWW! Gag a Maggot! ...this stuff IS fresh!

...and up this cliff wall...scale, scale

*whew* Made it! Cool view from up here... but I think the heat is getting to must be 120F out here... I think I'm hallucinating... That mountain over there looks crazy...

rubs eyes... looks again...

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Man, I gotta get to the air-conditioning! I'm like, freakin out!

Starbucker out

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Challenge #3: Obstacle Course

Welcome survivors. Today's challenge is an old favorite in the Survivor tradition: the obstacle course. This challenge will test your endurance and speed as well as your ability once again to help your fellow teammates. Here's how it works...

Each team will begin with a brisk half mile sprint across the dunes (A) until they reach this ten foot high wall (B). Here, each team will have to scale the wall, helping those who may be too small to help themselves. Once on top of the wall, each person will then take hold of this rope and swing across this Sarlacc pit (C), making sure you neither fall in nor have a tentacle grab you. And yes, paramedics and rescuers are standing by. Eh...everyone signed that no-fault thingymagiggy at the beginning of the game, right? good.

Next, you must jump down and walk across the balance beam (D). Any person who falls off here must go back to the beginning of the balance beam and try again. Then it's onto the Bantha Poodu crawl (E), where each person must crawl under low hanging ropes through freshly dropped Bantha droppings. Finally, it's up this sheer rocky cliff (F) to the finish line (G). First team with all members at the finish line wins!

Now, this week is a special reward only challenge. That means the team that wins the challenge wins the reward...but both teams will be going to tribal council this Friday. Mabbitt will still only vote off someone in the Mabbitt tribe and Ooteeni someone in Ooteeni.
Now, want to know what you're playing for?
Has it been a while since any of you have had some decent food? Well, each member of the winning team can request one special traditional meal from their home planet to be made and served to them in a special picnic area we've set up for you. You will also be able to wash it all down with one special drink from their home planet as well. And there will be enough for each of your tribe mates to try and sample your homeworlds cooking. Sounds good?
So if everyone is ready.......Go!

Monday, August 01, 2005

Starbucker dreams about the rescue...


To rescue or not to rescue...that's what some of the Mabbitt tribe members were asking.

FLUKE: He's a teammate, so there should be no querstion...and with all the talent in this cave, I think we should all go.

PALPS: Why do you pronounce it that way, young Starbucker?

FLUKE: What? 'It?' What's wrong with that?

AAYLA: No. The word 'question' said 'querstion'.

FLUKE: It's because I can't say 'question'. the tribe members leave the comfort of their air-conditioned cave and seeks out the icky, dispicable Tusken Raider Badlands Campsite & Resort. After a couple of hours on foot...

LEIA: What's that smell?

PALPS: Bantha crap. Mounds and mounds of Bantha crap.

BEN: I think the sandpeople are right over the next ridge.

AAYLA: What makes you think that?

BEN: We seem to be right in the middle of the Bantha Dumping Grounds. The Bantha dumping grounds are just a ridge away from the Tusken Raider Badlands. Or so this map JJ gave us says...

Fluke peers through his binocs at the oncoming ridge
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FLUKE: It looks like Sandpeople are close, all right. Look, here are some Gaffi sticks, wamprat hides, Bantha poop. It's just...I never heard of Banthas shitting anything this big before.

Ben is crouching in the sand studying the steaming piles.

BEN: They didn't. But we are meant to think they did. These turds are side by side. Sandpeople always ride their Banthas single file to hide their numbers. And these pee patterns - too accurate for Banthas. Only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise.

Qui-Gon Jinn: You dudes are trippin' with you're tie-dyed Imperial poopin' theories. Stay with the rescue plot, or so help me, man, I'm gonna have to cut you guys off - no more brownies. Did you forget, or something? We gotta get back before the next challenge or we won't have a chance.

Ben and Fluke hang their heads and quietly continue leading the group on towards the Tusken Raider Badlands...hours pass until finally our group of heros are on the ridge looking down at the Campsite & Resort

BEN: There certainly are a bunch of them. Qui-Gon, why don't you float around down there and locate Jar Jar for us?

In an instant, QGJ returns with a full report...location of Jar Jar, guardposts, numbers of guards, bathrooms, kitchens, and color schemes of the interior of each and every tent in use

LEIA: WoW! How'd you get all of that so fast?!?

QGJ: Magic dust. the tribe formulates a plan - The Alpha team: the Jedi (and Jedi wannabe) will head toward the opposite end of the camp from where Jar Jar is being held to create a diversion. This leaves the Beta team: Princess Leia and Palps to move toward Jar Jar after the Tusken Raiders have turned their attention towards the Jedi (and Jedi Wannabe).

The Alpha team heads out.

Only a few moments pass before Palps and Leia notice the young FotNJOw streaking across the main area of the grounds separating the tents from the cafeteria. He is wearing nothing but hs blaster helmet, a strategically placed sock, and he produces a shrill Indian war cry as he runs. Many raiders follow immediately. Leia and Palps head down the enbankment.

BEN: Here he comes! Steady....STEADY! NOW!

The young FotNJOw darts between two huge boulders, knowing the remaining Alpha team members are prepared just beyond them. After he passes through safely, Ben and Aayla activate their lightsabres at waist height - their sabres spanning the entire opening that Fluke had just run through. Scores of surprised Sandpeople are halved as they pour through in the rush. Fluke quickly dresses behind another rock.

Leia and Palps are amazed with the ease they are able to enter the area after the diversion the Alpha team had created.

PALPS: Why anyone would want to chase a nude founder of the Jedi Order wannabe, I'll never know.

LEIA: Palps! According to QGJ, Jar Jar is up on that platform. Climb up and bring him down while I stay here on the lookout, ready to defend our position! (waving her fork).

PALPS: Climb? Me?

Leia waves her fork AT Palps and yells JUST DO IT, MAN!

So Palps heads up the cliff face to the platform where Jar Jar is. Just as he reaches the top, the ladder he was using crumbles, stranding him on the platform jutting out from the cliff wall. He sees that he and JarJar are alone there...

PALPS: I say, why on earth are you dressed that way?

JAR JAR: Wella, dese Tusky peoples dey wanten mesa to besa thei..

PALPS: (interrupting) STop! Nevermind I don't want to know! Just shush, and let's get you out of here.

He works to free Jar Jar as the Alpha Team, having dispatched of all the Sand people, comes into the area.

PALPS: (yelling) Hello down there! Do any of you have any idea of how we can get down from here?

BEN: There's a rope, Chancellor! Use it to swing down here! Have Jar Jar hold on tightly, and swing down to us!

PALPS: Uh. No. I don't think so. You haven't seen what Jar Jar is wea...

BEN: (interrupting) Chancellor! You must hurry! We have scattered the Sand People, but they'll soon be back! And in greater numbers!

PALPS: No. I cannot! You don't understand. Jar JAr is wearing thi....


JAR JAR: Oh, pleasa, Palpy. Mesa will be muy muy thanksful.

PALPS: (to Jar Jar) Oh, Shut-up! (To Teammates) Can;'t one of you come up here and get him?

FLUKE: The access ladder is busted! Just swing down. C'mon! I hear Banthas approaching! Now is the time!

PALPS: *ahem* Alright, alright. Here we come....

Yes... well... come along Jar Jar. (mutters) I can't believe this...

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Fluke awakens with a jolt in a cold sweat

OMG! What a nightmare! I hope they make it back OK!

Leia: The rescue

So Anakin, Ben and I went out raider-hunting this morning. Fluke told us how to get there after knocking Han out and flying his plane over the place. He specifically told us it was "left, left, left, right, left, left, then north, left again, then right." So we left the camp, and soon realized we had no idea where we were. I mean, what kind of directions are "left" and "right?"

"Are we lost?" I asked.

"Nooo." Anni said.

"I told you we should've taken a right after that left!"

"You didn't say nothin' about takin' a right. It was left the whole time, yo."

Meanwhile, Obi-Wan had his eyes closed, as if he were meditating. Suddenly, he pointed into the distance and said "Beer! That-a-way!" He and Anakin sprinted in that direction and I had no choice but to follow.
Ben's nose led us straight into the Tusken-raiders' camp.

"Give us the frazzog, old man." Anakin said to a particularly short one. It snickered.

"Go ahead and take it." He looked at Anakin. "You think you so bad, boy, talken like dat? You nothin' but white. You whiter than white." Anni's eyes went red. He screamed and snicked its head off. He ran around the camp, screaming and killing as he went. Obi-Wan and I just stood there helplessly.

When he finally got back, like a minute later, he was dragging a drunken-looking Jar-Jar and an enormous keg. "That was easy, yo. They just like women an' children, an I slazzautered em that way." He threw Jar-Jar on the ground. He just sat there, looking at us stupidly.

"Jar-Jar, are you drunk?" I asked.

"Mesa... mesa... oooooh..." he fainted.

"What now? We can't take both the keg and Jar Jar back to camp."

We looked at each other. What are we going to do?

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Aayla: Confinement to the Cave...Again

Obi-Wan refuses to allow me to help with the search for Jar Jar, even after I convincingly tried to--eh...convince him.

Oh, well.

Uncle Quigs and I are having quite the time back at the cave. We've been occupying ourselves by watching this interesting DVD I found in the Sandcrawler on a somewhat-functional DVD player from the same source:

I think it would have made a lot more sense if we had found Episode I as well..

Quiggy has also been teaching me how to make sand brownies, so it's not all that boring here...I guess.

I'm thinking I'll be doing some sneaking out of the cave later on...I'm sure I could be of some assistance in finding Jar Jar.

Yoda: The Secret Meeting

-By Yoda as told to his Stupid Intern

Dusk. The lonely silouette of a small hooded figure stands atop a round dune as each of Tatooine's twin suns start to disappear behind opposite horizons. This simultaneous setting of the suns occurs only once every twenty-seven years in this part of Tatooine and is celebrated as holy by the native inhabitants. As the result of this rare cosmic event, the sky becomes an eery maroon color, causing the sand to take on faint shades of red.

The small hooded figure, a Tusken Raider by birth, race, and trade, scans the nearby landscape in nervous anticipation.

A voice calls out from behind him, "Here I am. Call me here, why did you?"

The Tusken Raider spins around to face the voice, blaster in hand. Suddenly, he feels his weapon knocked out of his grasp, not by another's hand, but by some invisible force. He's here, he thinks to himself, his heart racing as he fears this encounter may be his last.

"Where are you?" he asks, attempting to sound as if he's demanding an answer, hoping to conceal his fright.

"Down here," comes the calm reply.

The Tusken Raider looks down to see a the tiny Jedi Master standing before him. All of the legends and stories he had heard about this supposedly mighty warrior had led the Raider to picture him as a tall, muscular figure. He had not imagined him to be barely over two feet tall. "You're Master Yoda?" he asks without thinking.

"Yes, quickly state your business here you must or die soon you will."

The matter-of-fact way in which Yoda says this convinces the Raider that this is no bluff. He can see there is a weariness in this tiny creature's face. A weariness caused by centuries of battles fought, hard living, and enemies smited. Yoda does not appear to be the type who tolerates fools, or those who waste his time.

"Master Yoda, thank you for meeting me. I was afraid if I had met with any of the younger Jedi, I would be quickly slaughtered before I had a chance to speak."

"A wise decision that was. However, though young I am not, impatient I can be. Stated your business, still, you have not."

"It's the Gungan. We have him. It's time you got him back."

"Intimidated by threats I am not..."

"Wait! I'm not here to make threats! We want to return him to you."

A look of panic briefly flashes upon the old Jedi's face. "No! You must not! Uh, I mean... planning on slaughtering you my friends are. Forward to it they are looking. Putting into it much effort and planning they are. Be fair to them it would not if spoil it I did by bringing back the Gungan."

The Tusken doesn't believe his ears. "You don't understand! We can't take him anymore! He won't shut up! We've even tied his hands and feet together with his own tongue, but he still won't shut up! And what's worse, I can never understand a single word he says! He's about to drive us crazy!"

"Hmm. Yes, annoying he can be."

"Then you understand where I'm coming from?"

"Yes, very well I understand."

"Good! Then you'll take him off our hands."

"No, no. Say that I did not."

The Tusken grows exasperated. "But, you've got to take him! Look, we're willing to pay you handsomely to take him back."

Despite the raider's pleas, Yoda seems unmoved. "No. Negotiate with kidnappers, the Republic does not. Our strict policy that is."

The desert bandit tears at his own robe in frustration. "Ok, how about this? If you don't take the Gungan back, he gets it! You understand?!"

Suddenly, the old Jedi's eyes light up. "Really? Uh, I mean, be intimidated we will not!"

"I don't understand! I'm offering to give you your friend back for free!"

"Go now. Over this meeting is," Yoda says as he turns to leave. Then, suddenly, as he's walking down the dune he turns back one last time to face the Tusken. "You know, when shooting a Gungan, aim for the heart you must. Very small their brain is. If for the head you aim, miss it you likely will."

A wave of hopelessness sweeps over the Tusken as he watches the small Jedi Master turn and walk away down the dune, and finally into the encroaching darkness.